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Saturday, November 1, 2008

hello, weenie

My son sure knows how to put the 'weenie' in Halloween.

Halloween started off as every other Halloween has in past years...got the kids up early, excitement seeping through their pores. Took them to school, watched my daughter in the lower school parade (my son is a bystander as well now that he's in middle school) and then came home to get some things done including taking a nap as I was up a good part of the night watching my beloved Ghost Hunters doing their thang live and it was the most boring thing I've ever seen!

This Halloween was a bit different. This was the first year that my kids went trick-or-treating separately. The lower school let out at noon and my daughter went to her friend's house. My son brought home a friend and since they are trying out for basketball in the next few weeks, asked me to take me to the court in our subdivision for a few hours so they could shoot some hoops.

This is when the madness of Halloween set in and my son decided it was as good a time as any to start acting like a Weenie McSpazitron.

After dropping my son and his friend off at the court, I headed for Subway to get them their dinner. Only this Subway was full of a bunch of dipshit doofae (the plural of doofus) and had no pepperoni to make their spicy Italian sub. Um, dickheads, the pepperoni is what makes the spicy Italian sub spicy and for fuck sake, there's a supermarket a hop, skip and jump from your fucking store so get crackin'!

I elected to get him the only other item he likes from that place and needless to say, it was the wrong choice and he pitched the fit of a 2-year old in the car on the way home. I can't even imagine what his friend was thinking at the whining and carrying on because I didn't get him the sandwich of his choice. Then he started hitting the back of my seat with his basketball, cutting me off with everything I said but the icing on the cake was when he started to endlessly beg his friend to let him eat his sub until his friend finally caved just to shut my son up! His friend bargained with him and my son was happy again.

This type of behavior reminded me exactly of my sister who pitches a fit whenever she doesn't get her way. Let me assure y'all, that was nipped in the bud real fast yesterday. I took away my son's phone, firmly spoke to him in such a way that he could understand that his obnoxious behavior and rude name-calling (calling me "fart nugget" for instance) was not acceptable and then I spanked him. Oh yes I did! Although it probably did nothing but give him a sore ass for a few minutes, it felt very good to me! I can count on one hand how many times I've had to spank my kids over the years but I never thought I would have to spank an 11 year old!

Unfortunately, my words must have faded in the wind as fast as a fart because he continued with his shit as soon as we were home. His joking and his playful hitting did not go over well with me. I let it go only because I didn't want to put a damper on Halloween and spend the evening embarrassing him in front of his friend but today his Halloween candy is being taken away for several days as punishment. God damn, do these freakin' punishments ever end?!

The kids had dinner and then spent their time playing on the computer until another of their friends arrived around 7ish. Then we headed out to brave the crowded streets. Trick-or-treating started off slow and then got to a point where the streets were so jam-packed it took nearly 20 minutes for us to be able to turn one street corner! They were so thirsty from running around that they were desperate to get back to my house just to get a drink and I couldn't get the truck in front of me to turn the damn corner! Police were everywhere to try and make things go smoothly but it wasn't working very well!

I should mention that one of my son's friends, the one he ate dinner with, whom I liked before last evening, was not on his best behavior either. Twice he called out some nasty things like "suck it" and "move your asses" to the people passing by, and twice I had to told him to stop it because I ive there and see some of these people on a daily basis. I thought things were fine after he apologized the first time, but sadly, I was mistaken when he blurted out the second comment like he had Tourrettes! I was a bit taken aback by what this 12 year old was saying because despite the fact that I have a mouth on me and have been known to let some colorful words slip in front of my kids, last night made it very clear to me that this was not someone I wanted my son to be friends with. My kids know that if I say something, bad it doesn't give them the right or reason to say it themselves, but when my son's at school, I have no idea what he's learning from his friends. I realize that I can't stop him from learning this type of behavior but I can stop him from associating with these kids. I understand that these kids are at the age where they're just trying to find their place in this world but do they have to do it in such a rude way?!

We finally got home, they downed some water and then we headed out to some quieter streets near my house. The highlight of the evening, was watching the kids walk up to this one home when this guy in a Jason mask jumped out from behind a tree and chased them with a chainsaw! Now before any of you parents say something about how dangerous that could have been, there was no chain on the chainsaw and it couldn't have caused a scratch! Of course, my son being the obnoxiously loud tool that he was last night told the guy to come over to the car to scare me and all it did was make me laugh! I high-fived the guy and thanked him for making my son scream like a girl!

Also different from this year was the way we decorated the house. We did away with some of the older, babyish Halloween decorations for more scary, Night of the Living Dead-type props. Several bodyparts laying askew on our front step, a decapitated head hanging from one of our trees, various tombstones scattered on our lawn with a pile of dirt formed in front of one of the tombstones to resemble a newly buried body. We also had some motion-detected decorations including a big-ass hairy spider right above my front door that dropped down at every single little noise, a rattlesnake that lunged for everything that moved and a zombie face that begs people to come closer so that he can scream right at them. There's this awesome costume store right near my house that sells the most incredible decorations including black, red and brown fake spiderwebs, for instance. Last year we opted for the blood red ones and this year was black which we got complimented on left and right. I'm sure the big, gnarly spiders hanging from it had something to do with it as well.


After seeing some of the homes all decked out in Halloween paraphenalia last night, I'm going to have to rethink things for next year. This is really the one time of year that I LOVE to decorate the house and I'm really going to have to go full throttle next year. Right here, right now, I'm taking a solemn vow to be that house in the neighborhood that everyone flocks to every night preceeding Halloween just to get one more look at the decorations! I may be broke when all is said and done but it will be worth it!

I am even willing to take the risk that some toddlers out there will be scarred for life from what they will see! I promise not to have any second thoughts or a guilty conscience for fucking up some poor kid! I'm thoughtful that way.

Hope y'all had a great Halloween!

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Blogger WavyDavy said...

I want to some to your house for Halloween next year! But will I get called a "fart nugget?" Got to admit that's a good one though.

November 1, 2008 at 6:43 AM  
Blogger Charlie said...

I LOVE the motion-sensing spider! I should get one for the Mormons and Jehova's who are always banging on our door.

As far as your son's behavior and language—welcome, I think, to puberty with adolescence on the cusp. But you're a good Mom and get through it, maybe.

November 1, 2008 at 4:12 PM  
Blogger Evil Genius said...

I miss decorating for Halloween! Can't wait to hear what you come up with for next year!

November 1, 2008 at 5:18 PM  
Blogger Tug said...

11, huh? You've got some fun coming up...sorry. ;-)

November 1, 2008 at 7:21 PM  

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