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Wednesday, March 4, 2009

feminine hygiene 101 - douching is for pussies


Okay folks, here it is. A real TMI post. Men, if you don't want to hear about females and their girlie regions, I'm giving you an easy way out. Right. Now.

So let me just put it right out on the table, ladies. Douching. Yay or Nay?

Have you done it and if so, did you really enjoy the three inches of the five inch phallic-shaped applicator inserted into your hoo-ha?! 'Cause I was expecting some kind of pleasure out of it and I got nuttin'. Much like I get when the gynecologist inserts a speculum. But I don't want to get ahead of myself.

For me, today is the day every woman looks forward to - her annual gynecologist appointment. A day of true celebration! I mean, how could a woman not celebrate her vagina?! Well, as much celebration one can do with gloved fingers, prodding devices and oily lubrication that doesn't wipe away for, like, a year.

So I'd never douched and after having no action for the past four years (yes really) other than the annual speculum oh, and now douching device, I was feeling a lot like a dusty attic with cobwebs galore! So hi-ho, hi-ho, a-douching we will go! Please allow me to take you on my journey which began at a local Walgreens and standing in the aisle with the douching products.

Who would have thought that there could be so many said products on the market! After standing there for twenty minutes, examining product after product, comparing Walgreen's brand to the name brands, I decided that I didn't want my hoo-ha smelling like wildflowers, so I opted for the standard vinegar and water. No not oil and vinegar! We're talking vaginas people, not salads!! No cucumbers were used in the making of this douching moment!

But this wasn't just a vinegar and water douche. No, this was an extra cleansing vinegar and water douche! Oh yeah! Yeehaw!!

For those of you who've never done it, allow me the opportunity to relay my douching experience to you...

It was gross, plain and simple.

Directions: Slowly insert nozzle into vagina about 3 inches. Gently squeeze bottle until liquid is dispensed. Do not close the vaginal opening (I'm not sure how one thinks they can actually close their vagina with a penis-shaped applicator is in it, but whatever...). Douching solution should flow freely out of vagina.

I would like to comment on that last part. The box should warn you about how much of that douching solution flows freely out of one's vagina. They should also mention that the douching solution is not room-temperature but more like a fucking ice cube has been inserted into one's vagina. If I had known that I was going to torture myself with a vinegar-scented ice cube, I wouldn't have fucking douched!

In conclusion, for those of you who are really eager to know, douching has not allowed me to feel fresh as a summer's day. If I was feeling all fresh and shit, I'd be sitting on the lanai at 6am on a breezy morning at the Hyatt Regency in Maui, overlooking the Pacific while sipping Kona coffee and reading a fucking mindless book. But all I'm doing is blogging while sipping my instant coffee, feeling like I could add to that salad I may eat for lunch later. ;)

Oh yeah...I'll let y'all know later if my doctor thinks I'm vinegary fresh later.

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Blogger Attila The Mom said...


Well, I do/have every blue moon or so if the old man and I really want to get the nasty on or if I've had a gnarly period and feel gross.

Tip---warm it up in a sink of warm (not hot)water and do it in the shower. Just be sure to be holding on to something so you don't slip and knock yourself out on the edge of the tub.

March 4, 2009 at 6:25 AM  
Blogger Attila The Mom said...

P.S. "I would like to comment on that last part. The box should warn you about how much of that douching solution flows freely out of one's vagina."

Well, silly girl---what goes in must come out! LOL

March 4, 2009 at 6:27 AM  
Blogger WavyDavy said...

Well, I chose to ignore the disclaimer at the beginning of your post, and I read on. I'm not sure why. Maybe curiosity got the better of me; maybe I just read anything that gets thrust in front of me; or maybe I'm just a sick bastard! We'll never know. I can honestly say though, that it was not titillating - apparently not for you either.

After reading your post though, I can say I think you should insert (ahem) douching scene in to the novel you are working on. There's not enough douching in popular American fiction. Now the French,that's another story...

March 4, 2009 at 7:25 AM  
Blogger Charlie said...

Very informative, indeed. And you have given me an idea: I think I'll blog about the enemas I have to give me every time Doc Potty wants to shove something up my pooper.

So where ya been, Gertie, other than Walgreens? I worry when you don't bitch about something for over a week.

March 4, 2009 at 12:07 PM  
OpenID honeywine said...

I haven't done that in ages. I've been going with the modern thinking of "your body takes care of itself", and I have to say I have never had so much as a yeast infection (knock wood). But I do seem to remember feeling especially fresh...as a summer daisy. lol I think it kind of dried me out too though. Ick. See I can TMI, too! :)

March 5, 2009 at 11:27 AM  
Anonymous metalmom said...

I gave it up....just as soon as realized that I never ended up running through a field of flowers.

Now, it's like Attila said..after getting my freak on. :D

March 6, 2009 at 9:42 AM  

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