the taming of the spew

I'm really getting tired of this shit.

Up until last night, neither of my kids has had a stomach bug for about two years. My kids were at their dad's but came home earlier than usual because my son was complaining about a stomach ache. I was hoping for the best but kinda' knew what was going to happen.

Sure enough, about an hour after he went to bed, I heard coughing from his room and I knew what had happened. This is the part that pisses me off...

My kids have always gotten sick in the middle of the night. And always at my house, never at their dad's! And as familiar as they are with the uncomfortable stomach pains that go along with an approaching stomach bug, why can't they ever fucking run to the sink, toilet or aim it at a trash receptacle for instance?! Why must they always puke all over their beds and floor?! Don't get me wrong, I'm a compassionate person when they're ill but they're going on 9 and 12 here, so is that too much to ask them to at least try to keep their vomit off my walls?!

Please forgive me if you're reading this over breakfast. Just be happy I didn't go into color and consistency of the spew.

Needless to say, I had him remove his pajamas and redress himself, got him situated in a comfy spot in the family room with a basin by his side as there was no fucking way in hell that I was gonna' allow him to crawl into another bed, removed his bedding, immediately put everything in the washer and sat with him all night.

That's right, I have yet to clean his room. I'm sure it'll be a delightful experience.

Luckily, what he did in his bedroom was it. He sucked on a few popsicles in an attempt to get rid of that burning sensation in his throat and was able to sleep as was I. Until I realize that my stomach was knotting up on me. Oh, joy!

Thankfully, my stomach upset was due to a shitty dinner I'd eaten and a little sleep took it away. That's not to say that my daughter and I still don't have something to look forward to, that's just saying I made it through the night without my own shit to deal with.

I'll let y'all know later how the cleaning of his room went 'cause I know you're on the edge of your seats in anticipation. Heh.

feminine hygiene 101 - douching is for pussies

Heh.

Okay folks, here it is. A real TMI post. Men, if you don't want to hear about females and their girlie regions, I'm giving you an easy way out. Right. Now.

So let me just put it right out on the table, ladies. Douching. Yay or Nay?

Have you done it and if so, did you really enjoy the three inches of the five inch phallic-shaped applicator inserted into your hoo-ha?! 'Cause I was expecting some kind of pleasure out of it and I got nuttin'. Much like I get when the gynecologist inserts a speculum. But I don't want to get ahead of myself.

For me, today is the day every woman looks forward to - her annual gynecologist appointment. A day of true celebration! I mean, how could a woman not celebrate her vagina?! Well, as much celebration one can do with gloved fingers, prodding devices and oily lubrication that doesn't wipe away for, like, a year.

So I'd never douched and after having no action for the past four years (yes really) other than the annual speculum oh, and now douching device, I was feeling a lot like a dusty attic with cobwebs galore! So hi-ho, hi-ho, a-douching we will go! Please allow me to take you on my journey which began at a local Walgreens and standing in the aisle with the douching products.

Who would have thought that there could be so many said products on the market! After standing there for twenty minutes, examining product after product, comparing Walgreen's brand to the name brands, I decided that I didn't want my hoo-ha smelling like wildflowers, so I opted for the standard vinegar and water. No not oil and vinegar! We're talking vaginas people, not salads!! No cucumbers were used in the making of this douching moment!

But this wasn't just a vinegar and water douche. No, this was an extra cleansing vinegar and water douche! Oh yeah! Yeehaw!!

For those of you who've never done it, allow me the opportunity to relay my douching experience to you...

It was gross, plain and simple.

Directions: Slowly insert nozzle into vagina about 3 inches. Gently squeeze bottle until liquid is dispensed. Do not close the vaginal opening (I'm not sure how one thinks they can actually close their vagina with a penis-shaped applicator is in it, but whatever...). Douching solution should flow freely out of vagina.

I would like to comment on that last part. The box should warn you about how much of that douching solution flows freely out of one's vagina. They should also mention that the douching solution is not room-temperature but more like a fucking ice cube has been inserted into one's vagina. If I had known that I was going to torture myself with a vinegar-scented ice cube, I wouldn't have fucking douched!

In conclusion, for those of you who are really eager to know, douching has not allowed me to feel fresh as a summer's day. If I was feeling all fresh and shit, I'd be sitting on the lanai at 6am on a breezy morning at the Hyatt Regency in Maui, overlooking the Pacific while sipping Kona coffee and reading a fucking mindless book. But all I'm doing is blogging while sipping my instant coffee, feeling like I could add to that salad I may eat for lunch later. ;)

Oh yeah...I'll let y'all know later if my doctor thinks I'm vinegary fresh later.