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Wednesday, March 25, 2009

ya' know what sucks?

Waking up in the morning and being annoyed with some of you bloggers. Yes, YOU! Not all of you, just some of you. And being annoyed with people I don't even know but nevertheless, yes, annoyed.

Why? Well, every so often I mention on here how sorry I am that I haven't been able to get to your blogs and that I will read them when I can find time to come up from air. Apparently, some of you out there don't believe me when I tell you that being a single, full-time mom is hard work. I've been busy. Super busy, in fact. I was on the go for weeks before my kids went on spring break, then they were away with their dad for their break and while I did get some downtime, I also worked on several projects that I'd had on my TO DO list for some time, some being on there for over a year. So not even then did I get a chance to read any blogs.

Then my kids came home from spring break and their sports started right back up and I had to take my daughter to a Twilight party when the DVD was released because, as you may know, Twilight has a huge cult following and my daughter is one of their newest members. If I ever see her with her eyes all glazed over and handing out flowers on a street corner, I'll kill her...but forgive me for going off on a small tangent.

So I bought a bunch of Twilight crap, over-priced shit I promised I wouldn't buy, all in the name of love I guess, came home and was told that I will now redecorate her room with a Twilight theme. Well fuck me!! With all due respect to my daughter, when I repainted her room a few years ago, a theme was never included so I'm more than happy to oblige.

Then, on top of everything else, I made the poor choice of fucking around with my blog and now everything is wonky. Too many fonts, some that shouldn't even be there. Don't ask me to explain, I'm sure y'all can see for yourselves.

In any case, there are some of you out there who decided to choose shitty templates for your blogs where not all of us can read dark print on dark backgrounds because we've been wearing glasses since the age of 3 and/or don't have super-human X-ray vision. Or something like that. And out of courtesy I mentioned that to you, you know who you are, but you still remove me from your links because I haven't visited your blog lately. HAVE YOU VISITED MINE??????? Then there are those whose blogs take forever and a day to load and who the fuck has the time for that?! I have pee to wipe, children to chauffeur (or however the fuck you spell that word), air to breathe and a shitload of Facebooking to take care of! In the immortal words of Napoleon Dynamite...GOD!!!

So here I am getting all perturbed over strangers. Stupid, yes I know. But as I'm visiting your blogs, I'm finding too many of you have already given up on me and have deleted me from your links and while it's certainly your choice to do that, I think it's rude. Does all that free advertising you provide of others' blogs take up so much space that you have to make room for those people who hang on your every word and ' lol' at everything you say? I realize I haven't been the best blogging friend but I don't feel like I need to offer anyone excuses/reasons as to why I haven't been to "see" you. So in any case, don't be too surprised if you visit me and find yourself among the deleted here. I don't provide free advertising for those of you who don't reciprocate. Just sayin'.

And to those of you who haven't yet given up on me, thank you.

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Friday, March 13, 2009

credit card machines of the world unite!!

Well, it's been quite the week. It actually feels longer than a week since I last blogged with all the shit I've had going on. I apologize for my absence, it's not that I didn't try blogging, it's just that I didn't have enough time to write a complete post at one sitting and when I'd go back to it later, the post seemed so pointless, I'd abandon it. During the week, the thought of taking a break from blogging crossed my mind more than once. I don't find myself having a lot to blog about these days and when I do, as I said above, I really don't have a whole lot of time. Anyway, onto the post...I'll start backwards first...boy, that sounded stupid. Heh.

My kids left around 7pm this evening on their spring break journey with their dad to a resort somewhere in the Florida keys. Not five minutes after leaving, my daughter called me for the first time, crying hysterically about how much she missed me. About an hour into their ride, the same thing. Hopefully, she'll settle down once they start having fun but I have a feeling this is going to be a long week. *heavy sigh*

So how am I trying to take my mind off of things? I'm watching Hot Girls in Scary Places. Yes, I've resorted to watching three bimbo cheerleaders from USC in a paranormal investigation of an old mental hospital. It's quite amusing to say the least.

For those of you who remembered, today was Friday the 13th. I didn't see any strange characters in beat-up hockey masks roaming the streets carrying threatening weapons but as far as I could tell, the world was conspiring against me! I had some errands to do and at three separate locations, the credit card machine one swipes their cards through stopped working as I approached the counters to check out. It was beyond weird.

Happy Pi Day to all who celebrated today! My son and some other brave souls in the middle school, stood up in front of the entire middle school to spout off as many digits of Pi as they possibly could. The other night, my son knew 37 but I knew that wasn't going to be enough so I found a site that had some more digits and thirty minutes later, he knew 50. Then I found the Pi Day site that had one million digits of Pi and I thought it would be so cool for him to do that! When he was younger, he had a photographic memory but unfortunately, he never worked on developing it so he lost his Midas touch. If he still had it, he probably could have taken one look at the long list of digits and easily recited them in front of his classmates. Alas, he made it up to 57 before messing up which is great in my opinion, certainly better than I could ever do! One of his classmates took home a $10 gift certificate to the school bookstore for reciting 150 digits. Not bad at all! The digits, $10 doesn't buy bupkis at the school store!

Earlier this week, my son's baseball team pulled off a gutsy win to their formidable opponents. I was actually kind of surprised given that there are some really seasoned players and some kids who are just trying their hand at the sport for the first time. But win or lose, this year especially, I've really enjoyed watching both my kids show their individuality and express themselves through their differences and likes.

So I guess that's it for now and for the time being. I will be around to your blogs when I can but don't expect any new posts from me. I'm not saying I won't write here and there, I'm just saying that for the time being, it's last on my list. Hope y'all are doing well and enjoy your weekends!

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Wednesday, March 4, 2009

feminine hygiene 101 - douching is for pussies


Okay folks, here it is. A real TMI post. Men, if you don't want to hear about females and their girlie regions, I'm giving you an easy way out. Right. Now.

So let me just put it right out on the table, ladies. Douching. Yay or Nay?

Have you done it and if so, did you really enjoy the three inches of the five inch phallic-shaped applicator inserted into your hoo-ha?! 'Cause I was expecting some kind of pleasure out of it and I got nuttin'. Much like I get when the gynecologist inserts a speculum. But I don't want to get ahead of myself.

For me, today is the day every woman looks forward to - her annual gynecologist appointment. A day of true celebration! I mean, how could a woman not celebrate her vagina?! Well, as much celebration one can do with gloved fingers, prodding devices and oily lubrication that doesn't wipe away for, like, a year.

So I'd never douched and after having no action for the past four years (yes really) other than the annual speculum oh, and now douching device, I was feeling a lot like a dusty attic with cobwebs galore! So hi-ho, hi-ho, a-douching we will go! Please allow me to take you on my journey which began at a local Walgreens and standing in the aisle with the douching products.

Who would have thought that there could be so many said products on the market! After standing there for twenty minutes, examining product after product, comparing Walgreen's brand to the name brands, I decided that I didn't want my hoo-ha smelling like wildflowers, so I opted for the standard vinegar and water. No not oil and vinegar! We're talking vaginas people, not salads!! No cucumbers were used in the making of this douching moment!

But this wasn't just a vinegar and water douche. No, this was an extra cleansing vinegar and water douche! Oh yeah! Yeehaw!!

For those of you who've never done it, allow me the opportunity to relay my douching experience to you...

It was gross, plain and simple.

Directions: Slowly insert nozzle into vagina about 3 inches. Gently squeeze bottle until liquid is dispensed. Do not close the vaginal opening (I'm not sure how one thinks they can actually close their vagina with a penis-shaped applicator is in it, but whatever...). Douching solution should flow freely out of vagina.

I would like to comment on that last part. The box should warn you about how much of that douching solution flows freely out of one's vagina. They should also mention that the douching solution is not room-temperature but more like a fucking ice cube has been inserted into one's vagina. If I had known that I was going to torture myself with a vinegar-scented ice cube, I wouldn't have fucking douched!

In conclusion, for those of you who are really eager to know, douching has not allowed me to feel fresh as a summer's day. If I was feeling all fresh and shit, I'd be sitting on the lanai at 6am on a breezy morning at the Hyatt Regency in Maui, overlooking the Pacific while sipping Kona coffee and reading a fucking mindless book. But all I'm doing is blogging while sipping my instant coffee, feeling like I could add to that salad I may eat for lunch later. ;)

Oh yeah...I'll let y'all know later if my doctor thinks I'm vinegary fresh later.

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