trying to make funny outta' not so much

Did anyone understand that title?! 'Cause I was trying to be clever but with a brain that shuts down promptly at 5pm (when I started to write this), clever doesn't always work. Anyway, onto the post.

My son's baseball coach sent out an Email the other day that yesterday's game was rescheduled for 4pm because it was more convenient for the officials. Fine. Whatever. Bring on the peanuts, the popcorn the cracker...oh, nevermind.

So we're all there waiting at the field. And waiting. And, yep! You guessed it! Waiting. No officials. At 4:15, the three coaches on our sons' team were huddled together on the field, whispering. Turns out that the dipshits who run the field never bothered to tell the officials that 4pm was a more convenient time for them to officiate the game. Gotta' love the dumbasses of our world!

The coaches decided that they were going to wait another five minutes and they would call the game. "Great!" I exclaimed, "Call the game!". I was eager to get home and clean before my cleaning girl comes today. Heh.

One of the other mothers looked at me and said, "No. He means they'll call the game.".

Oh. Fuck.

So I yelled out to the coach that I could ref but, of course, it would be in our favor. He liked that idea. Then some of the other parents started calling out what they could do to help and I said "Oh fine. I'm Jewish, I'll just sit here and complain.". For some odd reason, *wink* people liked that one.

I am Jewish, by the way. And, in case you haven't already noticed, I complain. A lot.

Needless to say, most of us parents were a bit annoyed at the people who run the field. And not only did the officials not show up but they never opened the concession stand and if you think I complain, you should be around my daughter when she's starving. Non-freakin-stop. I had to leave the field at one point just to make a Mickey D.'s run.

With bad weather putting a bit of a damper on the season, it's been a long one. Our kids have put forth their best effort and we've closed in at times but we've only won two games so far, yesterday being one of them. Well, when the Bad News Bears play the Worse News Bears, how could we not beat the team?!

It was sad, actually. I felt pretty bad for the other team. I started channeling Tanner Boyle from tthe Bad News Bears movies and felt compelled to scream out "booger eatin' moron" a few times but restrained myself. Even though there have been times where our boys have been pretty sloppy on the field at least the other teams can't say we don't give them a run for their money. This team we played yesterday gave up before they even came up to bat.

Anyway, the game dragged on. We made some pretty decent plays, one of which was by my son, thankyouverymuch! We finally mercied the other team, 9-0 and could leave.

As much as I love watching the kids play ball, that was truly the most uninteresting game I've ever seen!

exit strategy my ass

Some of you may remember this post in which I felt it necessary to stop talking to this guy friend of mine who's going through a difficult time in his marriage right now. Well, the night I posted that story was the same day I had Emailed him and that night, he called me and we talked it through.

Then, about a week later, the same bullshit started all over again. Here's how it went down...

I [unfortunately] know the ins and outs of his marriage. His wife is a total mental case and, well, he's allowed her to stomp on his balls 'til they turned into squashed little grapes. To sum it up, their marriage is coming to an end and despite her daily giving him a dose of her psychotic behavior and blaming him for everything gone wrong in their marriage, he continues to take her abuse and is too pussy to leave.

I once again ended the friendship and told him not to contact me again. Here's why....

Those of you who've been following my blog(s) for awhile know that in 2002 I went through a divorce. My kids were two and five, young enough not to understand what was going on so they were able to adjust rather well. Don't get me wrong, they had their moments but today, they are very happy well-adjusted kids who enjoy their two homes.

Allow me to apologize in advance for the tone this post may take on because just thinking about this topic makes my fucking blood boil.

I am the first one to understand the difficulty of divorce especially when there are kids involved. My divorce wasn't like others because we chose not to get lawyers involved and only had a mediator. While I know that doesn't work for everyone, it worked out favorably for us. We were divorced within a few short months. He signed over the house to me and even though we lived in separate rooms, he still resided in this house for about nine months so that he could save up to find his own place. It was very amicable.

Amicable is not a word used in my former friend's situation. Here are just a few examples of the shit that's going on his life - his wife wants it her way or no way. She orders him to 'move out' and then when he says 'fine' she flips out and blames him for ruining hers and her kids' lives. She's constantly saying derogatory things about him in front of the kids. She once asked him if he was gay because they don't have sex.

Let me stop with that last one. When he told me that, I think I laughed for three days straight! That the man she chooses to put down each and every day would still have the desire to be intimate with her! What, does she shit gold or something?! I've seen his wife and trust me, she shouldn't be acting like she's all that!

In any case, it pains me to end a friendship with someone who clearly needs the support during this time, but I cannot tolerate the excuses anymore. He claims to have thought everything through, the term 'exit strategy' keeps reappearing every so often. I guess when you and your wife are business partners, there's got to be some kind of exit strategy, right?

But his supposed exit strategy never takes shape. "It's hard because of the kids." he told me. No, it's not hard because of the kids. Do NOT use your kids as an excuse!!! Again, I've been there. My kids had their rough moments after we divorced but kids are resilient, they bounce back and once you start acting like your kids won't be able to handle things without you being there, that's when you should just give up and sign them up for years of expensive therapy because all you're doing is enabling the undesirable behavior instead of encouraging them to be strong individuals.

I've been put in this kind of position before and I hate it. I've learned from experience that the only way people pick their sorry asses up off the floor is when you get mean. So, I got mean.

I told him to stop blaming the kids for him not leaving. That he was the reason he wasn't leaving and when he finally dug his head out of his ass, hopefully sooner rather than later, he would clearly see that. That deep down inside he enjoyed the attention she gives him, because however negative it may be, it's still attention. I told him to stay with her and be miserable. To shit his whole life away on someone like that when someone else out in the world could bring him a loving relationship that he truly deserves. And lastly, I told him I no longer wanted to communicate with him until he was no longer married to her. At the rate he's going, I could be collecting Social Security by the time I hear from him again.

I cannot tolerate massive amounts of drama especially someone else's drama and the fact that we were always having these heated discussions about his ridiculous wife, well I'm fairly certain that anyone in my shoes would have gotten tired of it all as well. Then again, maybe I shouldn't assume that since I pretty much can't tolerate anyone or anything these days!!

After several back-and-forth Email messages, I finally told him to respect my wishes and not to contact me again. I have not heard from him in days and guess what? I don't miss him. Sad to say but true. It became very clear to me that despite my enjoying supporting people during difficult times, these are not relationships I thrive on.

In the past few years, as I was approaching the big 4-0, I realized what was healthy and not healthy for me in my life. I ended a lot of friendships and while I don't want to wind up alone and friendless, I just can't seem to get past other peoples' flaws and I realize that is a huge problem. But I know what I want and need in my life. If I can't be true to myself, who can I be true to?

i feel like i drank the Kool-Aid

I feel like a hem that has become unraveled.

Every day it's another ache or ailment to deal with.

In early April, I was sick with some kind of funky virus that went on for nearly two weeks. My tonsils were the size of rocks, my throat was swollen, I woke up one morning with the start of a sinus infection, goop in my eyes and on and on it went. Every time I sneezed, I thought I saw a little piece of gray matter coming out my nose. Okay, maybe those were boogers but still...Honestly, it was one of the worst and strangest sicknesses I've ever had.

The only good thing that came of it is that it seems to have cured my migraines. I went from taking a migraine pill every day for the past two+ years to taking only two this month. Not really sure what happened but now it seems that OTC meds work fine for me. I'm sure it's only temporary but at least for now, I don't get many severe headaches and I'm very happy about that.

Now I'm sick again. Well, at least I felt sick yesterday so I'm not sure if it's another cold coming on or my allergies are going wonky. Whatever the case, I've been hacking up heaves of guam. Heaves. I like that word. I wonder if they use that measurement in the metric system?! I like 'guam' too because you can almost taste the mucus and you don't think I'm talking about the country.

Last week, I started feeling some minimal discomfort in my right thigh. When I stand up from a seated position, whether I'm at my desk or getting outta' the car, I have to limp it off. I feel like I'm channeling Dr. House (you won't understand that unless you watch House). I'm sure it's just another crazy thing that will work itself out soon enough, but it's fucking annoying!

Last night, I was doing dishes when I felt a strange pain in my chest. I'm still here so I take it is was nothing but c'mon already!!

I'm a good girl. I take my vitamins daily, drink my juice, eat fruit like it's going out of style, watch my weight (and sometimes I watch it grow), etc.. Is it too much to ask that I be healthy as I enter my 41st year?!

And to make matters worse, a few days ago, I noticed a pimple on my chin. I've been forgetting to apply zit cream so of course now, it's the size of Mt. Hood. Fucking pimple.

As I get older, I'm becoming increasingly intolerant of people in general. First it was just other peoples' kids, now it's people. All of 'em! Including my own son! Take what happened the other day, for instance...

On Saturday, I was dealing with that crazy credit card bullshit. It was also the country fair at my kids' school. Just last Saturday, I had to buy my son a new pair of sneakers and, of course, the most comfortable were a pricey pair of Under Armor. So Saturday night he was having a triple date (at 11 years of age) and he calls me an hour before he's supposed to meet his friends at the movie to tell me that when he was at the country fair, he picked up a pair of size 3 sneakers that looked just like his.

Now here's the problem with that...my son is a size 6.5. He can't see the difference between the two sizes?! Furthermore, what was he doing between 3pm, the time that the fair ended, and 6pm, when he was getting ready for his date? Obviously he hadn't been wearing any shoes for the those three hours so, what, he was walking around like a fucking caveman?!

That on top of the fact that he broke his cell phone again a few weeks ago. IF I choose to replace it (the jury is still out on that one), that will be his fifth phone. He is so fucking irresponsible with it and then with the whole shoe thing, it just really irks me to no end. Here's the story...when he was on spring break with his dad in March, he jumped into a pool with the phone still in his pocket. Apparently, my son was completely unaware that the phone was not water-proof. *shakes head*

I got him a new one, telling him that was it. If he broke the next one I was canceling the account. "Fine." he said (yeah, right). TWO WEEKS later, while at his dad's for the weekend, he was walking aimlessly around texting non-stop to his friends, phone hip-high as he's walking, when he slammed into a dining room chair and CRUNCH! The screen cracked. The person who shall not be mentioned here Emailed me to TELL me to replace his phone, ending the message that my son was too scared to talk to me about it.

Ya' know, if it wasn't for the person who shall not be mentioned here, I wouldn't have had to get our son a phone at age ten and now he's TELLING me to get him a new one.

Well, I sent him back a rather scathing message, telling him that I didn't appreciate him TELLING me to replace the phone. "I'm not made of fucking money!" I yelled at him through the computer. Furthermore, he needs to stop enabling our almost-12 year old son and help me make him understand that there are consequences for our actions and to have our son fight his own battles instead of him doing the dirty work for him.

Sorry for the tangent. My whole point of telling y'all that story was because after my son told me about his sneakers, I asked him if he was going to continue to be so irresponsible with his things, how was I to trust him with a new phone? I made his dad go get him another pair of quality shoes yesterday and I told my son I was withdrawing the money I spent on the sneakers from his bank account at which he was horrified because, as he said, "What happens if I find the shoes in lost and found?". Ya' know what, sweetie? Who the fuck cares?! Do you see dollar bills dangling from my armpits from which I can just grab at whenever I need to pay for something?! IT'S TO TEACH YOU A DAMN LESSON!!!!

I was just too steamed for words. That night, I posted as my Facebook status that going on a murdering rampage sounded like an acceptable idea. Suddenly, I was getting lectured from some dickhead that my status wasn't cool, and starts going on and on about a story in his area about how so-and-so murdered his entire family because he didn't want them to know that he was embezzling money from his company, blah, blah, blah. Ya' know what I told him? SHUT THE FUCK UP!!

It's my fucking profile page but because some asswipe doesn't like the status I've written, I deserve to be lectured for it?! Am I not permitted to have a bad day and vent my frustrations in the form of a measly status? Oh yeah, like I'm really going to go out and kill people because my son hasn't caught onto the whole responsibility thing yet?! Well, I'll tell y'all something - I may be psycho but I'm not that psycho! Heh.

When I woke up Sunday morning, he had deleted his comment without so much as an apology for offending me. I gave him ample time to offer me one throughout the day but when he didn't, I deleted him. Ta-ta, assclown!

Shit, if I wanted to be lectured about something I'd call my freakin' parents!

now just wait a cotton pickin' minute!!!

Nike Air Rift sneakers. Designed on the principle of the African runners who run barefoot. I'm not a runner but I do know cool when I see it! Very comfortable sneakers. Lightweight, feels like you're walking on air. Or in bare feet. Not really but they are comfortable.

When they first came out years ago, the were in the $80 to $90 range. I'd wanted a pair for a really long time but Nike doesn't make them in abundance anymore, the ones they do offer on their site are in ridiculous patterns, I'm not gonna' pay that kind of money for a houndstooth pattern on my sneakers and they're not sold in stores. So when I did a little Googling a week or so ago and found a pair for $65, no tax and no shipping and handling, I thought it was too good to be true.

Nevertheless, as I mentioned yesterday, I received my sneakers in the mail yesterday. All the way from Shanghai, China. Hmmm....

I was organizing my receipts earlier today to be filed away and I found the receipt to the shoes. On the bottom of the receipt were the following charges:

$314.00

$4.00 (shipping)

Total: $319.00


I'm sorry...

"Watchu talkin' about, Willis?!"

Clearly, this is not right. Not only did it say on the online form I filled out that one pair of Nike Air Rift sneakers cost $64.99 but I have a receipt to prove it.

Thankfully, I checked my credit card statement and the proper amount was listed on it. Phew! If anyone has any thoughts to what those charges are on the receipt provided with my sneakers, please feel free to enlighten me!

And if luck would have it...

As I was examining my credit card statement, I did happen to spot a strange charge on it! I called the number provided on my statement and the company sells running equipment.

Huh?! Last time I checked, I had exercise-induced asthma, bad knees and, oh yeah, I DON'T FUCKING RUN!!!!

I've never had to dispute a charge before. I called my credit card company and while I was on hold waiting for a customer service representative, I saw something odd about this transaction - it was made with my Suntrust Visa credit card. The very same one that should have stopped working once I activated my new Bank of America credit card.

Motherfuckers. Someone out there is dying to get their ass kicked.

So now I have to play the waiting game since it takes a payment period or two before the dispute is resolved. In the meantime, I was instructed to contact the merchant to find out WTF is going on. Since they don't have weekend working hours, I had to send an Email asking them to have a representative from their company respond to my Email so that this issue can be properly resolved.

Guess what?! Not ten minutes after sending the Email message to the company did I get a response back. Here's how it started:

Oh no! I am so sorry to hear that the auto renewal caught you off guard.

The charge is for your VIP membership renewal. As stated in your club handbook, this renewal is automatic for the convenience of our members. If we caught you by surprise, we apologize, this was not our intention.


*shakes head*

There's more but it would be pointless to bore you with the mindless words of a person who is clearly illiterate. What is it going to take to make this twat understand that I AM NOT, NOR HAVE I EVER BEEN, A FUCKING MEMBER AND I DIDN'T AUTHORIZE ANYONE TO MAKE ANY FUCKING CHARGES ON A NON-WORKING CREDIT CARD?!?!??!?!

This whole dispute is going to make me go on a murder rampage. Dumbassmotherfuckingdouchebagassmunchers.

almost feelin' groovy

Aside from a pinched thingamabob between my shoulder blades that is uncomfortable yet tolerable, I am having a really good day.

For one, I finally got rid of my POS McAfee Internet security. After years of disappointment but unable to find anything decent, I renewed McAfee earlier this month but my account hadn't reflected the change. It was still warning me every day that my subscription was about to expire and it was really irritating the fuck outta' me. Last week, I contacted those assholes and told them to help me figure it out. Punjab wrote me back, instructing me to uninstall and reinstall the products I had renewed. Fucking Punjab. If I ever get the opportunity to meet Punjab in a cold, dark alley...well, for his sake, I hope I'm not PMSing.

Today was the day. I had two days left before everything went up Shit's Creek and my entire life would be exposed to the shit-for-brain hackers out there. As instructed, I uninstalled and reinstalled McAfee. Twice. Nothing happened. It wouldn't install.

Instead of wasting my time contacting their tech support, who may or may not have known their elbows from their assholes and I wasn't the least bit interested in finding out one way or the other, I remembered that when I took my son's computer in for fixing a few months ago, that the guy at the mom-and-pop place downloaded a very reputable and FREE security software to his computer so I Googled, located the site and it took almost the entire day to download it since I still use dial-up (shut up) but it's done and, as a result, my Firefox, which had become completely squirrely in the past year, corrected itself and now works properly!

In the immortal words of Bruce Willis in the Die Hard movies...YIPPEEKAIYAY, MOTHEFUCKERS!!!!

In other groovy news, recently, a fellow-blogger trusted me enough to send me a manuscript, his memoirs, if you will. In just a few days, I finished it and I was blown away by it. It was unlike anything I've ever read. He is one of the most creative writers I have ever had the pleasure and privilege of reading. As I wrote to him in an Email, it was hysterically funny in some parts and overwelmingly emotional in others. Honest doesn't even begin to describe it. Unfortunately, he told me that it was very close to getting published but then things fell through. I have been doing my best to be annoyingly persistent with him so that he will look into trying to get it published again but I'm not sure what he'll do. Hopefully someday each of you will be fortunate enough to read his words as well.

I received my Nike Air Rift sneakers in the mail today. That may not mean shit to y'all, but I'm happy!

Oh yeah, IT'S FRIDAY! Hope it was happy for y'all!

the power of the Hugh

My recent posts have been ones of complaint. I try to entertain but I end up sounding like a sourpuss! Today will be different, I promise.

So here's what I want to know...

What is it with men named Hugh?!

And before I go on, even though he has sung about the power of love, Huey Lewis doesn't count. Heh.

Let's start with Hugh Hefner. Hugh may have been good-looking in his day but do those beautiful buxom bimbos flaunt to him like white on rice because he has a lot of money and can possibly make them famous or does he have something else that they can't get enough of?! Like his magnificently huge...mansion?! Think about it...maybe his parents looked at him at birth and said "Well, if we call him "HUGE" it will be too obvious so let's do the next best thing." and thus, Hugh Hefner was born.

Let's go overseas. There's Hugh Grant where other than his embarrassing and made very public blowjob incident with hooker Divine Brown, many people probably still wouldn't know who he is. He's an okay actor, funny at times and at others, not so much, certainly not a good-looking guy in my opinion but there must be something about him if he can nab lookers (and hookers) like former model Elizabeth Hurley.

While we're on the subject of not-so-handsome Hughs, there's another Brit, Hugh Laurie who plays Gregory House, M.D. on the fabulous TV show House. If you've never seen him in his role as the always-hilarious, antisocial, cane-wielding Vicodin-addicted doctor with a despicable bedside manner, you're really missing out!

Saving the best for last are Hottie McHothots Hugh Jackman and my personal favorite, Hugh Dancy, whom I saw and drooled over in the movie Blood and Chocolate. Hugh Jackman not only can make a gal melt at the very site of his pecs face but he can belt out show tunes as well! And can convincingly play a gay man, a vampire-hunter, a comic book hero with metal claws and...well you get the hint. He's all-around HOT!!

Saving the best for last is this hunkahunk of burning love. Not much more can be said about him. I really don't know if he can act, I was too busy salivating.

And there, my blogging friends, is my non-complaint post of the day. Regular bitching will continue tomorrow. *wink*

i love my neighbors

While Schwartz and I were out today enjoying a leisurely stroll up and down our street in the gorgeous weather that is upon us, Little Mr. Fuckface my neighbor to the right of us suddenly appeared at his front door demanding that I keep my dog off his lawn. Despite the fact that I never let Schwartz do his business on this neighbor's lawn because I know what a fucker he is and that this man had just seen me pull my dog off his lawn, he still felt it necessary to be his usual pleasant self.

I looked up when he spoke and then turned my head away, choosing to ignore him. Here's the pleasantries we exchanged thereafter:

LMFF: Did you hear me?

Me: Did you hear this? *I flipped him off*

LMFF: If I see you on my lawn again, I'm calling Animal Control!

Me: *laughing* Really?! What are you going to say to them? "Hello? Animal Control? My neighbor, who walks her dog on a leash past my house everyday, allows her dog to touch my grass, please help me!". What are you going to do, show Animal Control the dog crap left on your lawn by your kids' dog and blame me for it?! Yeah, try it. See what happens.

*receiving the hairy eyeball from LMFF*

Me: Or maybe I should call the cops regarding that time I caught you peeping in my kitchen window at my kids. Because that is illegal. By the way, does your wife know what a pervert you are?!

Then I added loudly for effect..."C'mon Schwartz. The mean old man is constipated and doesn't want us on his lawn."

*LMFF goes inside and slams the front door*

Koolio shoots! She scores!

You know damn well whose house I'm walking by again and again, day after day. I've lived in this house going on ten years and that is about the fifth time he's ever spoken to me. The fucker has no idea who he's about to fuck with.

*insert evil laugh here*

more reasons not to like that "friend"

Allow me to start this post with the following statement...sometimes I really feel like I'm still back in high school with the horse shit that I have to deal with.

Last week "that friend" called me a few times. The first time, she called and I let it go to voicemail. She asked if she had the right baseball field where our kids were supposed to practice that afternoon and to only return the call if they were having practice elsewhere. She had the right field and I didn't return the call.

The next day, she called and I chose to let it go to voicemail again. She claimed she was calling to say 'hi' and to see how I was but after the first time she called, it dawned on me that a good bit of the time that she calls me it's to ask me something about baseball. If she would ever check her Email, in which the coach messages us at least once a day, she wouldn't have to call me about it but that's a whole other story. Anyway, because I had this revelation, I chose not to return her call. And also because I was going to see her two hours later for a baseball game.

The first thing out of her mouth when she saw me that afternoon was not "Hi, how are you?" but "I've been trying to call you." as if I shouldn't be hesitating to answer her calls. I told her I received her messages but I figured since we were going to see each other, I would just talk to her at the field. I ask y'all, is there anything wrong with that or do I need to be talking to her as I'm driving up to the baseball field and parking right next to her?! I guess that didn't sit well with her because instead of sitting next to me, she sat at the opposite end of the bleachers. Yeah, okay, whatever, I'm not at your beck and call, sister! I can't be bothered with someone being offended by something like that. I've got my own life with my own shit to deal with, if I stopped to answer every single fucking call that came in, I would never get anything done. Some people just really need to get over themselves.

At some point during the game, she complained that she was cold from the breeze. It was 75 degrees out, people. The breeze was warm and lovely and she was wearing heavy jeans with a long-sleeved shirt. I guess I shouldn't expect everyone to be warm-blooded. Anyway, she parked her car across the field so she would still have direct view of the game and where she could stay out of the frigid weather. *snicker* She called me periodically throughout the game to find out the inning and the score and during one of those conversations, we got onto the topic of how she wanted to take walks with me in the morning after we dropped the kids off at school. Cool, I'm always up for exercise and friendly conversation. She lives in a fabulous house on a very nice street but outside this little community near where our kids' school is located, is predominately lower class families and she refers to this area as 'the hood'. Not very nice but that's not the point. The point is, she's afraid to take walks in her own neighborhood by herself and the gal she usually walks with hasn't been interested in taking walks for the past few months. I mentioned since I'm already in the neighborhood at that time of day and that's the best time of day for me to walk, that I would walk with her since I enjoy the exercise as well. Suddenly, it was all on her terms. Suddenly, she had to do this, that and the other thing in the morning and the best time for her to walk was in the afternoon right before we picked up our kids from school.

Listen up, you fucking bitch! I just offered to walk with you because you're petrified to do it alone. I told you when I could do it and it wasn't up for debate, so if you want me to keep you company so that you're not frightened of your own fucking neighbors, you'll walk when I can walk! I'm doing you a fucking favor, fuck-ryingoutloud!

Rrrrrrrrr.

Anyway, back to the story...

I was sitting here today waiting for my kids to return home from their dad's, and the evil demon-child from across the street rang the bell. I expected him to ring my bell 'til it was broken because that's usually what he does just because he gets extreme pleasure out of watching our dog go into a Cujo-frenzy, barking 'til he's horse. He gets sick pleasure out of torturing our dog. Can you say "future serial killer"?!

In any case, whenever I'm home alone, I don't answer the door for anyone, especially that child. I do not care for him one bit. There are many reasons behind this but I will only mention one of them since it pertains to "that friend".

A month or so ago, we saw the demon-child's mother at the same baseball field that our kids were practicing at. I asked "that friend" who used to live in this subdivision and who is friendly with the child's mother (if y'all recall, this is the only person whom "that friend" would move back to this subdivision for) what she thought about the demon-child. She paused for awhile to search for the right words so I knew she felt the same about him as I. I told her some of the things that he's done and she seemed equally annoyed with him.

Let me stop there for a minute to tell you a little bit about myself. If someone confides in me for any reason, I will always hold that confidence. I am a very trustworthy person and unless you tell me it's okay to mention something to others, I do not say a word. Ever.

So the demon-child came to my house this afternoon and rang the bell. I thought it was my kids coming home the way the dog was barking and all, but it was that evil thing and I luckily retreated back here to my desk without being seen. I waited and waited, expecting the incessant bell-ringing to commence. It did not. About ten minutes later it dawned on me..."that fucking cunt friend" told his mother what I said about her child!!!

Now I know what some of you are saying, "Before you accuse anyone, are you sure that she told the mother?" and I can honestly say without going over there and asking the demon-child's mother myself, I am 100% sure she told her. I mean seriously folks, why else would this kid just suddenly change his ways when he gets so much pleasure out of watching my dog go nuts? There's really no other explanation. I [unfortunately] know how this kid's mind works.

For all those out there who are reluctant to believe how positive I am that "that friend" told my neighbor, here's proof...there have been times before where I've discussed personal things about the person who shall not be mentioned here with "that friend" only for her to tell me that she was going to talk to him about what I had spoken about just to try to help resolve things between us even after I told her not to say anything. I'm pretty sure she never opened up her mouth because the person who shall not be mentioned here is not afraid to give me an earful if he's heard or seen something I've done that has anything to do with him but even so, I can fight my own battles, thankyouverymuch!! If I wanted to resolve anything with him, I would do it myself not through some third party who clearly doesn't know her asshole from her elbow.

This is my fucking neighbor! She lives directly across the street from me and I see her every day. Do you know how this makes me look and feel?!

I'll conclude this post with one question: how fucking more uncool can one person be?

something to be concerned about?

I think I've been scammed.

Which wouldn't be the first time but this one I'm particularly steamed about.

About a month ago, I received a notice in the mail from a bank. It read on the envelope "Important information about your account". Funny enough, I don't have an account with that bank, still, I felt compelled to open the envelope.

For years, I've had a Visa credit card through Suntrust bank. This letter informed me that Suntrust could no longer afford to keep their credit card division running so they sold their credit card accounts to Bank of America and that in a few weeks, I would receive my new Bank of America credit card in the mail. A few weeks later, just like they said, I received my new credit card.

I called the number on the back of my Suntrust credit card to find out if all this was legitimate and it was forwarded to Bank of America customer service department. They told me I should have also been informed of this change through Suntrust, which I was not. With that call, I had unknowingly activated my new card so my Suntrust Visa could no longer be used at that point.

Fine, whatever. I've been using my new credit card without issues. Until today...

Today I received a notice in the mail that I was pre-approved for a Suntrust Visa credit card. Um...sorry, come again?!

I have an appointment with my bank's financial advisor next week which is something I do every few years to make sure that the kids and I are up-to-date with the kinds of accounts best suited for our needs. And when I'm there, the bank is gonna' get a serious piece of my mind.

i'm going straight to hell for this one

I did something today that I believe most people would consider unforgivable.

I have this guy friend who's having extreme marital problems. Divorce is eminent but with him it's like shit or get off the pot already! He has become far too needy, and has latched onto me in such ways that it is extremely aggravating, I find myself getting little to no pleasure from the friendship and very frustrated after speaking with him. While I've been where he is emotionally, I decided this morning that being friends with him at this point in my life was not healthy for me. I've neglected far too many people and things trying to help him through his personal issues that I finally put my foot down this morning.

That's not exactly what has gotten me a reservation for first-class seating in hell. What's gotten me there is that I mainly ended the friendship so he would grow a fucking backbone, take charge of his life once and for all and at least separate from that bitch he calls a wife instead of whining about this, that and the other thing, taking one step forward and a hundred back and dragging me along with him.

I, for one, completely understand what he's going through emotionally, that's what makes this even harder for me. When I was going through my own personal turmoil, I did it alone and I knew that was the only way I was going to come out whole again and ten times stronger. I had become too much of a crutch to this guy. He's relied on my support so heavily, there've been days I couldn't get through without him calling, texting or Emailing me every hour. My daughter has even become annoyed with him and she doesn't even know him personally! He's the only one I text message with and every time my phone beeps three, four times in a row she says things like "Ugh! It's him again?!". He is constantly coming up with excuses for things he's doing or not doing, it is beyond ridiculous. And ya' know what? I totally blame myself for this happening! Too often, I have allowed myself to get sucked into other peoples' drama. The advice/suggestions I offer becomes such an intricate part of their lives that, and not to toot my own horn, they use it like it's life support. It's times like these that they are unable to truly appreciate the friendship and/or the true meaning behind it and that's when the hand-holding ceases and an exit strategy becomes necessary.

Do I hate myself for this? Damn straight, I do! When all is said and done, will he understand and accept my reasons for doing it? I can only hope.

i'm all done

Not with blogging, with that airhead "friend" of mine.

Last I mentioned, she had asked me to call her to get together this weekend. I had waited all week thinking about whether or not I should do it and I chose to suck it up yesterday afternoon and called her.

I don't know what her deal was, but she was less than friendly on the phone. Between that and the way she talked to me on Monday night, seemingly all happy to see me and wanting to plan something, she reminded me of Dr. Jekyll and Mrs. Hyde.

Our kids have an Easter/Passover break of five days. It seems that minutes after we talked about potentially planning something for this weekend, she forgot all about that and planned a weekend getaway with her family. That's fine, it's her family and it's not like she shouldn't be permitted to go away with family. She also owes me nothing but I guess expecting a little common decency is too much to ask. After the tone in which she used with me on the phone, I feel like a total fool for falling for her shit.

Anyway, I've washed my hands of her. I guess sometimes it takes these experiences to open our eyes to the heart of the matter and I'll chalk it up just that.

all this unnecessary drama is gonna' make my hair fall out!!

The story I have to tell you may get a little confusing. I don't like using real names in my posts so I usually just use the first initial of the person's name. With that, I am leaving you with a key so that [hopefully] you can follow along.

G = Girlfriend gossip-monger who first reported that my daughter was bullying.

J = The above's daughter who supposedly heard and saw what happened.

K = The mother of the girl who was not bullied.

R = The lying sack of shit who was trying to get my daughter in trouble.

( ) = If you see words written in parentheses, these are things I would have either liked to say and didn't feel it appropriate or just commentary.

On Tuesday afternoon, my cell phone rang and it was G.. I knew exactly why she was calling, to get a follow-up on the situation, and I put her to voicemail. I probably would have spoken to her if my daughter hadn't been in the car with me but since the situation had already been resolved in my eyes and I had made no mention of it to my daughter, I wasn't about to talk about it in front of her.

I shouldn't have thought G. would give up so easily because she called two more times within a two hour period. She was immediately sent to voicemail those times as well. She continued to try to call. Her persistence was beyond tiresome. Ya' know, there's a reason for voicemail, people! If you're one of those people out there whose tactic is to pester someone adnauseum instead of leaving messages and waiting for the person to return your call when they're available to do so, stop it! Do I really need to explain why there's voicemail?! Leave a message and the person will get back to you when they can. Grow some patience, fuck-ryingoutloud! Actually, I think I'm growing some in my garden, I'll be happy to share some with you! Oh wait, those are Impatiens. Nevermind. *wink*

Anyway, I finally decided it be best to get it over with and call her back to see what she wanted, even though I already knew.

G: Hi! I was calling to see if you found out anything about the bullying.

(You mean the non-existent bullying.)

ME: Ya' know G., I so appreciate and admire the friendship you must have with K. for you to feel comfortable enough to speak for her, but to be perfectly honest, I'd prefer not talking to you about this anymore. K. and I know each other well enough that if she needs to discuss something with me, she can call me herself or speak to the teachers and the guidance counselor and they can tell her the same things they told me. We know who each other are, we've made small talk with each other on many occasions so if she needs to speak to me, please tell her I welcome the call.

G.: Oh. Okay.

("Oh. Okay." seems to be a vital part of this woman's vocabulary in order for her to convey the proper message to others.)

G: (humming and hawwing for a few minutes, trying to get out the words) Well, if you must know, J. said...

(It seems that G.'s daughter is following closely in her mother's gossiping footsteps. Well, they do say the apple never falls far from the tree so...)

ME: (interrupting) G., with all due respect, if J. is not directly involved, does not report it to the teachers or the guidance counselor or doesn't have witnesses or evidence to back up her story (I really need to stop watching all these crime dramas on TV), she needs to stay out of it. It's really not her business to police my daughter. I realize that the teachers don't always see the same things the kids see but again, if she sees something happening at school, she has to tell someone other than you. You can't do anything about it, they can. And to be perfectly honest, I was not only very upset after hearing this news from you, as I'm sure you knew I would be, but I was also very upset with myself for jumping the gun and getting so angry before finding out all the facts so in the future, should this type of incident happen again, I think it best to leave it up to the teachers or the parents directly involved instead of relying on the gossip mill. Again, I do appreciate that you alerted me to a potential situation, but if this type of thing happens, again I think it best that I hear it from them or from K. directly.

G: I hope you're not saying that you think J. is lying!!

(Oh God, here we go!)

ME: G., I never said any such thing so please don't put words in my mouth. It's all about perspective. If J. thinks she sees or hears something happening, tell her to speak up. If not or she's not sure something happened, she shouldn't. But if she keeps reporting back to you about something that's none of your business you can't do anything about it and I certainly don't want to get anymore of these phone calls prying into what I now consider personal business. Only the people involved can help to resolve things and if K. isn't willing to speak up for her own child, then I'm sorry, but that's her cross to bear.

G.: But it is my business! K.'s my friend!

ME: G., I realize she's your friend but there's a difference about it being your business and making it your business and this situation is not your business. Now if K. chooses to make her business your business, then that's her right but then you will need to find out the details from her.


By this point, I really wanted to get off the phone! Talking with her on the phone is never fun, she speaks so fast you can barely understand her and the constant interruptions, all so she can get out what she needs to say, are extremely annoying.


G: You sound mad. I hope you're not mad at me!

(Oy vey. This woman can't have anyone mad at her. Ever. She's neurotic about it. If she thinks someone's mad at her, she will obsess over it.)

ME: No G., I'm not the least bit mad at you but I really do need to go so I'll talk to you later, okay? Thanks for calling!

And wouldn't you know it? As of yesterday afternoon, she was still calling me! She called me twice, left one message and then obviously had ants in her pants and couldn't wait for me to return her call so she tried calling me again. I've come to the conclusion that I really don't like nosy people! Why is it that some people can't just mind their own fucking business?!

whisper down the lane

Remember that children's game where you sit in a line, someone starts off whispering something and by the time it reaches the last person, it becomes something entirely different than what was originally said?

On Monday, I received a very disturbing phone call from a friend of mine, a mother of a girl in my daughter's class. She told me that she'd gotten a call from another mother in the class that my daughter was bullying her daughter and that her daughter was "very scared" of my daughter.

I can't recall if I blogged about the time several months ago where I got a call from the guidance counselor how my daughter had been doing some bullying. Either way, I was mortified to know this about my daughter. As a young girl, I was bullied by kids for the glasses I wore and only finally stood up for myself in the 7th grade against that little Oompa Loompa-sized dork, Kipp Cohen after calling me a four-eyed caboose and I told him "Shut up, brace face!". That was the last time Kipp Cohen ever spoke to me. I can still see the expression on his face when he realized I fought back. Ahhh, priceless.

Anyway, because my daughter is a sweet girl in general (don't get me wrong, she has her moments!) and, most of the time, respectful of others, she was given a slap on her wrist, told how inappropriate it was to say certain things and let go with a warning not to do it again. Later on that same day, I made her promise to me that she would never do that again and that I took promises seriously so if she promised, she had to keep it. She promised. And I believe her.

So when I got this phone call, you can imagine how my blood started to boil. I had already thought about all the things and privileges I was going to take away from her after just hearing this from someone whom I knew was a gossip and doesn't get all her facts straight.

Before school let out on Monday afternoon, I was able to find some alone time with my daughter's teacher and assistant teacher. We sat down, I spoke and they both sat there looking dumbfounded. They hadn't heard squat about my daughter doing any such thing, nor had anyone reported her, nor did they really think my daughter had any opportunity during the day to behave in such a manner since there was always a teacher around, teachers are supposed to report such incidences and there were no said reports against my daughter. In fact, they said that she was delightful to have in class, that she was really keeping to herself, doing her work diligently and accurately and was the most improved student of all the kids in the class.

*blank stare*

I didn't know what to say especially since I never expected to get such a favorable report after hearing potentially bad news. They assured me that they would do some digging but that most of the kids in the class were very good about reporting others if they acted out (yeah, those freakin' tattle-tales!) and they honestly hadn't heard anything. It really was quite the odd meeting!

I left feeling very bad that I would go souly on the word of a gossip-monger and that I thought my child would be guilty of something before finding out the truth. Coincidentally enough, as I was leaving the building, I ran into the mother of the girl who said my daughter was bullying her! I stopped her to talk to her and was not about to apologize to her for anything until I finished my investigation into the matter. She was on her way in to meet with the principal as her daughter, the same one who was accusing my daughter of hurting her, was doing very poorly in school and because of that, everything else negative that happened in her life was greatly magnified. In other words, she was blowing shit outta' proportion.

Hmmmm...I had a feeling right then and there that her daughter was a little fucking liar.

Prior to my meeting with my daughter's teacher, I had already contacted the guidance counselor. She got back to me later on in the day and I met with her yesterday morning. She, too, had done some investigating and neither saw or heard anything wrong with my daughter. In fact, again, quite the opposite and she said how everyone was so proud of her. Talk about a sense of relief!

She also said that the girl in question has quite a way of dramatizing things. And with three other sisters, she was most likely doing it to get attention. She said she would bring her in to talk about. I told her that I didn't feel it was a good idea to bring my daughter in with her. After all the positive changes my daughter has gone through, I would hate for her to feel shot down if she found out someone was making up stories about her. The guidance counselor agreed.

She also assured me that the little girl doing the accusing is not scared about anything. That she knows how to stick up for herself just fine and it was probably just a case of perception. Regardless, if that little girl every tries to fuck with my daughter again, I'M gonna' kick her ass myself!

extra extra, read all about it!

I've got updates people!!

Let's start with FUN (Fucked-up Nutcase) since that story is freshest in our minds...

Back when I didn't know that FUN was a FUN, we had two mutual friends in common on Facebook. It didn't dawn on me until I was about to delete her from my friend's list, that we presently had only one mutual friend in common. I was curious, I mean, you don't delete someone without a valid reason, right?

So I wrote my friend who no longer appeared on FUN's friend's list inquiring about why that was and this was her response:

She was at one point on my friends list, however It got to be weird because she was almost a stalker. If I blocked her from seeing my friends list, etc she would type me immediately and say I can't see anything on your profile. Also, R. dropped her because she acted really weird to her too. R. dropped her and she wrote her asking why she dropped her, then R. felt bad and added her and G. stole all her celebrities and removed her from her friend list. She has issues, and isn't all there. She is a stalker and weirdo.

Wait a minute...did she say celebrities?!

That's right folks, when she made the choice to try to slam me for something so insignificant, she became a third-time offender. Too bad she doesn't live in the US 'cause I know some states have the "Three times you're out" policy before throwing someone in jail. Not that her psychotic behavior is punishable by jail time but a girl can dream, can't she?!

So being Koolio, I wrote her an Email basically telling her that I knew all about the shit she's pulled with others and that while I wasn't a doctor, I knew enough people suffering with mental illnesses to know when specific behavior warrants psychiatric treatment and that she should seek it immediately. 'Cause ya' see, Koolio doesn't just put the knife in half-way. If I'm gonna' stick someone, I'm gonna' really stick 'em!

Boy, I would be so cool in prison, wouldn't I?!

Onto the next update...

You may remember this post from the other day.

Last night, my son participated in a wonderful school choir performance. I'll tell you...this choir teacher knows her shit. She selects just the right amount of Hallelujahs and classical stuff balanced with fun little numbers. The kids had a great time and the audience enjoyed it as well.

Right before the show, I was studying the program and I see out of the corner of my eye someone sit in the seat in front of me and says 'hi' to me. It was my "friend". Seemed very happy to see me, said she had seen me around town in the last few days and had tried to wave to me but I didn't see her. She repaid me for a favor I did for her and then told me that the next time I didn't have the kids for the weekend, she wanted to go out somewhere with me.

*blank stare*

I thought I was in an episode of the Twilight Zone for a minute. A total turnaround. She also seemed happier since she'd had the WoW talk with her husband and things had improved over the weekend.

Wait...someone actually took my advice?!

Anyway, I said I was available this weekend and sure, let's do something and then she blew it.

"Okay, call me!" she said as she waved and walked back to her seat.

Some of you out there might understand what it is I hate about that last sentence. I have always been the "okay, call me" girl. I have always been "selected", if you will, to initiate gatherings and plan them. It's like it's expected of me. What is it about people that they can't initiate something as simple as a phone call? Is it a popularity thing? Do they want to be able to brag to others, "Oh, all these people called me this week, blah, blah, blah...!". I just don't get it.

And honestly, such a statement still makes me feel a bit unwanted as far as friendships are concerned. It still makes me wonder if I should bother. Yeah, I complained that it felt like she didn't consider me a friend and all but do I just suck it up, take it for what it is and make plans knowing inside that's just how she is or do I count my losses and move on?

stuck on stupid

For those of you not on Facebook, this will take some explaining. So, once again, grab your beverage of choice and chillax. God, I hate that word but yes, I did in fact use it.

A long, long time ago, on an Internet dating site based out of Beverly Hills, California, I "met" a woman we'll call "Fucked-up Nutcase". Yes, I made more women friends than met actual men. Go figure.

Anyway, FUN and I chatted, became "friends" and eventually and occasionally Emailed off the site. We had a falling out, my mind escapes me exactly what occurred, but nevertheless, she acted fruity and I told her that I was losing her Email address. Fast.

Fast forward to early fall when she requested to be added to my Facebook friend's list. I actually had to ask around for someone to remind me who she was! When I found out, I waited several days before adding her to my list, weighing the pros and cons of doing so. I hesitated for a reason, I only wish I had listened to my conscience then.

Facebook has a gazillion and a half of these stupid game applications that you can log into, one of which is called Celebrity Agent. Now let's stop for a moment and think about what a celebrity agent actually does. An agent represents celebrities. It's a cut throat business in which agents are always trying to scam other agents out of their clients because the entire business is about making more money than ten million Donald Trumps put together.

So what is the point of this game? To start, you select six celebrities. You then invite friends to participate because you need those friends to what? What?! That's right, steal from them. And on top of stealing the celebrity in question, you have the option of locking them in for a certain amount of time so that said celebrity cannot be stolen away from you right away. All very exciting, lemme' tell you. *rolls eyes*

So FUN is on my list of people I play against and over just the last few days she's up $20K. So as a celebrity agent, what do I do? I check out her celebrities to find her money-maker celeb. I find her and I swipe her. Fast and hard, hitting below the belt by locking her. Bwahahaha! She's mine!

I leave home to go watch my daughter play in her hockey game and arrive back awhile later to find a crazy-assed IM from FUN. It read:

Miss Koolio...what ya' doin'? I see Obama on your list all the time, he's available and I don't take him...because I don't do that to friends.

*blank stare*

Did I forget to mention that this lunatic is over 50 years old?! I really hope she's not wondering why she's still single. But that's beside the point.

Anyway, I responded to her IM with an Email. In true Koolio form, it was entitled GET OVER IT. Heh.

Of all the people on here, I never expected YOU to whine about PLAYING A GAME. Since it seems you never read the purpose behind Celebrity Agent, you are supposed to steal others celebs in order to make money. I was playing the GAME, you're just kvetching about it.

Honestly, I am very surprised with myself for even dignifying your ridiculousness over such a thing with a reply but even more surprised that you're acting like a 3 year old. Go throw your tizzy elsewhere, I'm not interested.

With that, I deleted her from my friend's list. Silly perhaps, but if I have one less crackpot in my life, the better it is for me. Then I wrote in my status bar...

Koolio says FYI - if you contact me to whine about how you think I'm not playing an FB GAME fairly, I have 3 words for you - GROW UP and "defriend". Have a nice day.

Her response to me:

Koolio...You're right not to have expected me to whine...I wasn't whining in fact I'm surprised u took the remark so seriously.

STOP! Just back the fuck up!! Did I misread something when she sent me an IM clearly complaining to me about my playing the game in what she thought was an unfair manner? Please, someone tell me! And if she wasn't serious, then what was the purpose of sending me the IM in the first place?!

She continued:

Your prerogative, of course...and if you ever feel like being on my list again, feel free.

Okay, that last part was laughable. If I ever want to be on her list again? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?! How was she able to turn this around on me and make me look like I was to blame for her bad behavior?!

I'm undecided as to whether I should ream her out or move on. On one hand, reaming her out would be so fulfilling, on the other hand, haven't I wasted enough time on this fucknut??!

Oh by the way...I'm making a buttload of money off that celeb I stole from her! And the sweet part about the whole thing is that she's no longer on my friend's list which means she's no longer someone who can play against me in Celebrity Agent and she can't steal her celeb back.

Ahh, sweet reward. *insert big evil grin here*

apparently i'm chopped liver

I have this friend. We'll call her Connie Clueless. She's very sweet, has a great personality and is a good conversationalist.

Even though she speaks like she's just sucked in helium which makes it sound like she's a total ditz.

But after yesterday, I know for a fact that she is a ditz!

I feel bad for her. About a year ago, her husband was introduced to that awful World of Warcraft and is addicted to it. He comes home, eats dinner and then spends about five hours on the computer into the wee hours of morning. He and my friend don't spend any alone time together anymore, don't go out together, fight about time spent and not being spent with one another, etc.. He's more in love with his WoW than his own wife.

Connie is from Phoenix, Arizona and speaks fondly of it often. She has a few friends here but no one she can really call close. She doesn't like it here and as often as she praises Phoenix does she put down this city. She feels alone and lonely and wants desperately to return to her hometown.

With or without her husband.

I speak to her often and we talk about everything. She has confided in me about her feelings on her life here and her frustrations with her husband and the new love in his life. We talked yesterday, I listened and made a few suggestions about possibly resolving things with her husband and if not with him, then with herself. That friends are great to talk to but therapists can sometimes enlighten us and help things fall into place. I told her, in all seriousness, that she should consider suing the makers of World of Warcraft for breaking up her marriage and frankly, I think she'd have a case. I told her if her husband doesn't have an interest in going out with her, she should plan a girl's night out from time-to-time.

Pay special attention to that last line!

So she said "I don't know. I'm not sure I feel comfortable doing that. All my friends are married with families and have their own things to do."

*blank stare*

Interesting...last time I checked the ink on my 2002 divorce agreement was very dry.

If it weren't for the fact that this is the second time she's said something along those lines to me I'd find it funny, but now I take it personally.

So...if she doesn't consider me a friend, then WTF am I?! What have I been, a pseudo-wannabe-therapist handing out free advice?! I mean, what would y'all call it?! And then there's the question of if she doesn't consider me a friend, do I simply humor myself by continuing to talk to her or stop putting forth my share in the friendship?

This situation is exactly why I am so untrusting of people. As nasty and rude as I can be on here, I am a good friend which sometimes translates for some to take advantage of my kindness.

Motherfuckers.