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Saturday, May 30, 2009

a little too much info'mation

I was tossing and turning early this morning, ya' know, like every other morning, when I opened my eyes, looked at the TV and saw the ShamWow guy. Only he wasn't excitingly regurgitating information about ShamWow, it was for something called Slap Chop, a little plastic device that when you slam your hand down on it a few times, it can chop and dice anything you can think of.

So he's chopping away - potatoes, fruit, your grandma's little finger (just wanted to make sure you're paying attention) - and he suddenly says...

"Oh, you're gonna' love my nuts!"

*blank stare*

Yeah, he proceeded to chop up some nuts but for a brief moment, the tone in his voice made me think that he was actually gonna' whip out his balls and wave 'em at the screen. I mean, I believed him about the Shamwow and wasted $20 on them only to discover that they move liquid around really well but don't soak it up the way he claims they do so why wouldn't I believe that he would yank those babies outta' his pants?!

This is the only up-side to not sleeping well. You get to see all the crap trying to be sold on TV in the wee hours of the morning.

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Friday, May 29, 2009

two musts and a must not

Guilty pleasures. We all have 'em.

Mine is vulgarity. If a show I'm watching doesn't have some degree of cursing, I find myself disappointed. When some TV shows (think the ground-breaking show, NYPD Blue) were given the OK to have their actors curse, I almost creamed in my pants.

That brings me to two recommendations. I have been seeing previews for Nurse Jackie on Showtime and just a little while ago, I was able to watch the first episode on ONDemand. It is a must see. Edie Falco is awesome as a saint-like, pain-killer addicted, foul-mouthed hussy nurse who doesn't tolerate shit from anyone. When it airs on June 8th, you must see it. And if you don't have Showtime, hunt someone down who does, even hold them at gunpoint if you have to, just so that you won't miss seeing this show.
If you like raunch like I like raunch, what better movie could I recommend to y'all but Zack and Miri Make a Porno?! Anything with actor Seth Rogen is a must see. I can't even tell you a thing about it without giving anything away (yeah, obviously they make a porno! DUH!), but if you can tolerate people using obscenities like they're going outta' style, rent it!

The last is a must not and has nothing to do with films. This requires me to tell you a bit of history.

I don't know when exactly that it happened but over the years I've become quite the little purse whore. I have a stash of mostly designer purses that Paris Hilton would be proud of. Okay, that's a stretch! Of course, I know my limits and I never have nor would I ever purchase a purse for thousands of dollars. I'm actually quite thrifty and can track down designer accessories for pennies.

This brings me to tell y'all of my latest find. While stopping by TJ Maxx yesterday to pick up a large duffel bag to hold my daughter's camp belongings, I noticed designer purses hanging on their racks. And when I mean designer, I mean $300-$400 numbers on sale for, like, $40!!! So if you're weak like me, do not under any circumstances step foot near your local TJ Maxx store!

And if you're wondering, yes, I bought a bag. A bag that as I was checking out realized that not only didn't need but that it was a rather fugly bag and I have plans to return it next time I'm in that area of town! Whatever made me think a bag in the color of Pepto Bismal mixed with one's gastric juices was attractive, is beyond me! I'm guessing my momentary lapse in good judgment was from the bag-asm I had when I saw such discounted prices!

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Thursday, May 28, 2009

i am not shitting you

Actress Kelly McGillis licks the clitoris!

That's right, folks. I was just sitting here, minding my own mindless business on the computer when I should be organizing/packing for my kids' camp and folding laundry while Entertainment Tonight was on in the background, when Kelly McGillis herself announced that she's a lesbian!!

You may have already heard this news as she apparently confirmed this towards the end of April. But just in case you didn't and give a shit, she has, in fact, gone the way of the gay.

Nothing wrong with lesbians, just sayin'.


As you were. *wink*

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Sunday, May 24, 2009

we made it through the spew

I believe my daughter and I are in the clear.

Now watch...the second I post this I will hear the familiar wretching noises coming from the other room.

*heavy sigh*

But in the meantime, I told you I would tell you how the cleaning of my son's room went and I am true to my word.

Let me just say, he had grilled cheese for dinner on Friday night.

*wretch*

Let me also just say, that I hope you're not reading this over breakfast. If you are, then it's your fault! You should know better than to eat while reading my blog! I know that sounds bad [for me] but you know how disgusting I can be at times! Heh.

So I brought out my trusty Spotbot mini-cleaner that has served me well in the short time that I've had it. I put on the latex gloves which I've always kept a pack around ever since the time long ago when both kids woke up within two hours of each other and took turns tossing their cookies. It was traumatizing enough for me that I recall my son doing it 13 times, my daughter half that. Oh yeah...and then my ex and I took turns in the days following that wondrous event. It was a true family affair!

You would have thought I was entering the autopsy room, the way I applied the menthol goo underneath my nose to help keep the scent out only nothing was going to keep that scent out. I dove right in, methaphorically-speaking, of course. It took me just about two hours to get everything out and only then did I stop because I ran out of the super duper carpet cleaner. Thankfully, there is only one area that needs some touching up.

In the end, the bedding was washed three times. Everything was Lysoled upon Lysoled and then retouched every other second. I went through half a mega-bottle of hand sanitizer. I demanded my son and daughter keep away from each other...or else! My hard disinfecting work seems to have paid off.

Yesterday morning, I had a little sit-down with my kids and told them that as much as I love them, they were old enough now to at least try to make it to the bathroom or grab their trash can instead of doing it all over their stuff and the floor. My son felt bad as he said it was sudden, as soon as he opened his eyes it was already coming up. Perhaps he can't control it but boy that's gonna' make for one hefty cleaning bill when he's older if he can never hold it until he gets to the bathroom!

I think I've made myself nauseous. I'll let you know if the chunks start flying again. *wink*

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Friday, May 22, 2009

the taming of the spew

I'm really getting tired of this shit.

Up until last night, neither of my kids has had a stomach bug for about two years. My kids were at their dad's but came home earlier than usual because my son was complaining about a stomach ache. I was hoping for the best but kinda' knew what was going to happen.

Sure enough, about an hour after he went to bed, I heard coughing from his room and I knew what had happened. This is the part that pisses me off...

My kids have always gotten sick in the middle of the night. And always at my house, never at their dad's! And as familiar as they are with the uncomfortable stomach pains that go along with an approaching stomach bug, why can't they ever fucking run to the sink, toilet or aim it at a trash receptacle for instance?! Why must they always puke all over their beds and floor?! Don't get me wrong, I'm a compassionate person when they're ill but they're going on 9 and 12 here, so is that too much to ask them to at least try to keep their vomit off my walls?!

Please forgive me if you're reading this over breakfast. Just be happy I didn't go into color and consistency of the spew.

Needless to say, I had him remove his pajamas and redress himself, got him situated in a comfy spot in the family room with a basin by his side as there was no fucking way in hell that I was gonna' allow him to crawl into another bed, removed his bedding, immediately put everything in the washer and sat with him all night.

That's right, I have yet to clean his room. I'm sure it'll be a delightful experience.

Luckily, what he did in his bedroom was it. He sucked on a few popsicles in an attempt to get rid of that burning sensation in his throat and was able to sleep as was I. Until I realize that my stomach was knotting up on me. Oh, joy!

Thankfully, my stomach upset was due to a shitty dinner I'd eaten and a little sleep took it away. That's not to say that my daughter and I still don't have something to look forward to, that's just saying I made it through the night without my own shit to deal with.

I'll let y'all know later how the cleaning of his room went 'cause I know you're on the edge of your seats in anticipation. Heh.

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Monday, May 18, 2009

keeping my distance

I have absolutely nothing of any interest to offer and because of that, I've been trying to avoid blogging like the plague. But like everything else these days, it caught up on me...like a stalker ready to pounce on his victim. Okay, bad analogy. There's proof that my brain waves aren't...uh...waving properly.

I'm bogged down with things to do. In two weeks my kids will finish up with school and this end-of-the-school-year/beginning-of-summer crap has left me with my head spinning.

My house is a total shit pit, I kid you not. Well, there's not actual shit laying around, but I've just become so unorganized. I don't even know where to begin reorganizing. It might be better if I took a torch to the house, collected the insurance and started over. Pretend you didn't read that. It's just an idea. Most of the time, I don't follow through with my own ideas. I said most of the time. *wink*

Gah! What a shitty post! I know, I know, it's several seconds of your time that you can never get back! My deepest apologies. You can kick my ass later.

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Sunday, May 10, 2009

processing

Sometimes life is a big heaping bowl of WTFs.

It was the usual crazy-end-of-the-school-year shit to keep up with this past week. A time where there's ton of camp stuff to get ready for on top of the usual shit to get done and not enough time to get it done in.

And then on Wednesday night, while the kids were off at their dad's for a few hours, a friend, whom I don't talk to often, called and I chose not to answer the call simply because I'm the kind of gal who, at the end of a long day, chooses her sanity and peace-of-mind over shmoozing on the phone.

I should have answered the call.

The next morning, after dropping the kids off at school, my ex called to tell me that a mutual friend of ours had died the night before. His wife was the one who tried to call me. Fuck.

I immediately called her to see what I could do for her. She was okay, pretty much acting like it hadn't sunk in yet which I suppose is a normal reaction. Her 11-year old son was doing...fine. Just fine. Kinda' weird, but everyone grieves in their own way.

I wanted to see her as she wanted to see me but I had a doctor's appointment I couldn't get out of. When I was available, she had a houseful of people and I didn't want to crowd her anymore. She asked me to come over that night but when I called at the end of the day, there was still a houseful of people, she seemed completely exhausted and frazzled and I told her I would come by early the next morning before anyone arrived.

I was going to stay strong for my friend. No, I was going to try to stay strong for my friend. I was friends with both she and her husband and there were many good times among us so it was gonna' be hard, I knew that. I was not prepared for her to say to me the second I walked in the door "We had so many good times together and that's never going to happen again.". OY! How do you not show emotion over something like that?! So I was not a strong rock like I'd hoped but I don't think she gave a shit.

Forty-eight years old and he dropped dead from a heart attack while, of all things, during a workout at the gym. Unbelievable. No, that doesn't describe the true emotion of the situation at all. I don't think there is a word that can best describe that kind of shock. Unfortunately, it wasn't a surprise how he died as both his parents and his older sister passed in the same way. The true shock was that no one ever expected how short his life would really be.

Two nights later was the wake. My ex and I decided it was best for our kids to choose for themselves as to whether or not they wanted to view his body. Unfortunately, it wasn't much of a choice because my friend was standing right by his casket and in order to express one's condolences, they had to walk right by the casket. My son was okay, my daughter seemed a bit freaked out by it. She didn't cry or anything but I don't think that's a memory she's going to forget any time soon.

It's always a strange thing seeing someone who was laughing and breathing the last time you saw him, laying there looking like a wax figure. It also doesn't help, having worked briefly for a funeral home when I was younger, to see someone you know and know the amount of preparation behind making a body presentable - eyes and mouth stitched shut because of possible involuntary reflexes, rectum packed with cotton so that there's no...um...leakage...yeah, I won't go on with the gory details. And the makeup - yeah, my friend didn't need that much makeup. So when I told my kids that he was going to look like he was sleeping, I never expected that it would look like he was sleeping and looking like Divine at the same time.

And all through this, their son was fine. Just that, fine. No tears, holding strong for his mom.

Saturday morning was the memorial service and it was probably the loveliest memorial service I've ever been to. There were a few things that really struck me during this service. The first was what their neighbor said who gave the eulogy. At the hospital, in which many people from the gym were there to support my friend during this tragic time, the paramedics appeared at the nurse's station and my friends' son went over to them and thanked them for trying to help save his dad.

*blank stare*

How is it possible that an 11-year old child can be that amazing upon hearing the news that his father was dead? I can tell you - when he has the same heart of gold as his father.

I learned from listening to the pastor that he and his dad had a relationship like none other. At least none that I've never heard of before. This man, who always had a smile on his face and nothing but kind words to say had the most amazing relationship with his son. The tight bond I have with my kids pales in comparison.

My friend is broken, more lost than anyone I've ever seen. Twenty-three years of spending nothing but happy times with her soulmate and their, yep, perfect son.

Death sucks.

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Monday, May 4, 2009

friends who play nicely together

The person who shall not be mentioned here is being nice to me. Don't be too shocked, it won't last long, I'm sure.

He knew I wasn't pleased with my cell phone so he bought me a Motorola flip-top, ordinarily a $200 phone, through his work for $15.00. He was told it had a new battery but it didn't so on Saturday I stopped by the store to get a new one.

On a Saturday, probably the busiest day of the week for most if not all businesses, there were three customer service reps and one of them took off to take his lunch break. And then there were two. Just call me Agatha Christie. Heh.

Needless to say, there were more customers that customer service reps and the number was growing. A friend of mine walked in. We got to chatting and during our chat, I coughed a juicy-sounding allergy cough. Here's the conversation:

Friend: Wow, you don't sound so good, are you okay?

I looked up to see her left eye winking at me at light speed. It took me a moment to realize she didn't have a twitch, then I forced myself to cough again.

Me: Yeah, I haven't been feeling so hot since I got back from Mexico.

Then I let out a huge 'hack' just for effect.

The reaction on some of the other customers' faces was priceless. A woman with her two young children couldn't get outta' the store fast enough. A few other people left as well. A woman told me it was an Oscar-worthy performance. The manager of the store said something to me to let me know he was annoyed that I cost him business. My response?

The last few phones your people have sold me have been crap so you're just lucky I'M still a customer. And I wouldn't be so quick to blame your customers for lack of business. I've seen plenty of people come and go since I've been here all because on the busiest day of the week, you decided that only three customer service people would be sufficient in helping a Saturday crowd. All of these desks should be filled with people being assisted. And what do you keep doing? You keep going back and forth between here and that closed door when you should be out here helping your employees. But no worries, I'll make sure that corporate knows how you treat your customers.

With that, he stormed off to that room behind the closed door...the walls are probably covered in kiddy porn. Just sayin'.

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Friday, May 1, 2009

may you say?!

Hard to believe it's already May! Hard to believe I'm up at 3am. Okay, no it's not.

Once again, I've been running around like a chicken without a head. Yesterday was frookin' nuts, I tell you! And the funny thing is, I can't remember half the shit I did.

No seriously, I think my brain is starting to turn to sludge.

I really don't have much to tell you. It's been a crazy week. I'm not gonna' get into stories like my son having to recite Shakespeare in his Language Arts class the other day and how I helped him get an A by showing him the right hand gestures and body movements to use, or my daughter winning a cake at school as a result of donating money to the 5th grade who was collecting for cancer and then her winning a cake for her donation in a raffle, (which she is proudly serving her dad tonight for his birthday) or her complaining last week about not being able to see the board clearly at school, getting an eye exam a few days ago and finding out she did, in fact, need reading glasses. I'm not gonna' tell you any of that. Heh.

Because honestly, that doesn't make for good blog reading. Shit, I'm falling asleep just thinking about all that. And then again, it could be 'cause it's 3-something in the frickin' morning.

No, I just wanted to wish y'all a Happy May! In 28 days, my kids will be getting out of school. Where does the time go?!

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