a little too much info'mation

I was tossing and turning early this morning, ya' know, like every other morning, when I opened my eyes, looked at the TV and saw the ShamWow guy. Only he wasn't excitingly regurgitating information about ShamWow, it was for something called Slap Chop, a little plastic device that when you slam your hand down on it a few times, it can chop and dice anything you can think of.

So he's chopping away - potatoes, fruit, your grandma's little finger (just wanted to make sure you're paying attention) - and he suddenly says...

"Oh, you're gonna' love my nuts!"

*blank stare*

Yeah, he proceeded to chop up some nuts but for a brief moment, the tone in his voice made me think that he was actually gonna' whip out his balls and wave 'em at the screen. I mean, I believed him about the Shamwow and wasted $20 on them only to discover that they move liquid around really well but don't soak it up the way he claims they do so why wouldn't I believe that he would yank those babies outta' his pants?!

This is the only up-side to not sleeping well. You get to see all the crap trying to be sold on TV in the wee hours of the morning.

koolio goes to the dentist

Since a young girl, mostly due to my not taking proper care of my teeth back then, I have been poked, prodded and probed more times than someone who's been abducted by aliens. I'm indifferent towards the dentist - like most people, I don't really care for them but I'm so used to the torture already it barely phases me.

Until yesterday.

I have always been a good patient. When I've had to have dental work done, I take my lidocane shots like a true champ. When I have to get the tartar scraped from my teeth, I don't cringe, not even when I'm stabbed in the gum like evil experiments are being performed on me.

But yesterday, the hygienist, whom I absolutely love, triggered my gag reflex not once but twice! I was mortified! I tried to hide it but how much can you hide the lurching sound coming from the back of your throat?! Thankfully, nothing made an appearance, if you know what I mean. *wink*

After the first time, I tried thinking of positive things. I said "Pretty Ponies Prancing on the Prairie" to myself over and over again but all I envisioned were those stupid My Little Pony dolls with the rainbow-colored mane and it made me want to gag some more.

Then I tried picturing a secluded beach somewhere in the South Pacific with beautiful, untouched palm trees, white glistening sand and crystal clear turquoise-colored waters and then she turned on the contraption that shoots that nasty baking soda into my mouth and completely ruined it for me!

The second time it happened was when I had to get X-rays taken. I have NEVER gagged while getting X-rays taken but when I realized that I would have a metal contraption in my mouth covered in a latex condom, the gagging was unavoidable.

The bitch must have been laughing at me.

Seriously, WTF am I gonna' do when I finally do meet a guy I want to date and he wants a...um...oh nevermind.


In other news...

Schwartz is still losing fur. It's getting to the point where I would probably have enough for a fur hat. Okay, maybe that's a stretch. Maybe just a finger cozy. Even though he's barely noticing this hair loss and isn't scratching, his skin seems a bit dry in spots with a few scabs here and there and after doing research online yesterday for mange, I started to wonder. He didn't fit all the symptoms but with this dog, I can never play it too safe!

I owed the vet a call anyway to report back to him since I started giving Schwartz Clariten for possible allergies and the vet assured me that he was 100% sure it was seasonal allergies and not mange. Then it dawned on me that he's probably reacting to the heat in the house. It's been cold here lately, using the heat has been a necessity and the hair loss started when we first turned the heat on. If my skin dries out in the winter, why couldn't it do the same thing to the dog?! And it's not like we can tell our dogs to drink a lot of water so that our skin doesn't dry out and have them listen to us, right?! Poor, poor needy, high-maintenance dog 'o mine!


My daughter is really cute in the morning. She always wakes up in a good mood, laughs and jokes around with me while I'm trying to coax her outta' bed.

This morning, she looked up at me and she didn't say "Hi Mom" or even "I love you, Mom" but instead she asked...

"Will you pick my nose?"

(As if!)

How did I respond?

First I looked at her like she had two heads. Then I did what any other respected parent would do to their child...I farted right in her face and ran out of the room! I bet she wasn't expecting that!

i was born a poor black child

Not me! Schwartz!!

The night before last, while giving Schwartz a good back-scratchin', I felt something...strange. It was cold and just felt plain weird to the touch! Okay stop it! I know some of you out there are thinking evil bestiality thoughts!

I got out a flashlight and there was a patch of exposed skin. Ladies and gents, not only is my dog suffering from male-patterned baldness but underneath all that fur, he's black!

After further inspection, I noticed that his skin looked fine. It wasn't dry or scaly and there were no sores from scratching. It was just...bald! Anyway, I called the vet yesterday morning and while I was waiting for him to return the call, I took him (Schwartz not the vet!) for a walk and noticed that he not only has that one patch of skin showing, but his fur is starting to thin out all over his body! WTF?! Here I am trying to grow his fur out for the upcoming colder season and he's morphing into The Great Baldino! And maybe if I'm really lucky, he'll shed all his fur, become the only Terrier/Cattle Dog mix breed with no fur and we can get him featured on that ridiculous Sci-fi show "Believe it or Not!" with host Dean Kane! Yeehaw!!

The vet eventually called me back and told me to go out and get some Zyrtec. For those of you who don't know what that is, which I'm sure most of you do, it's an OTC allergy medicine. He went onto explain that a lot of dogs in this area tend to develop allergies and gnaw at their fur when one day it's 50 degrees and the next it's 80 like we experience so often here and we're going through that type of back-and-forth weather change right now. This diagnosis would certainly explain why he's been sneezing so much lately!

So let's see if y'all can keep this straight...

1. He's on joint supplements for the rest of his life due to his hip injury when he was hit by a car as a younger puppy.

2. He has to take one Zantac/day because of an acid reflux condition.

3. He now has to take one Zyrtec/day to keep his allergy symptoms at bay.

*shakes head*

Why do I always pick the needy, high-maintenance animals?!

~~OoO~~

I was driving behind this guy yesterday and he had a bumper sticker that read

I love my wife

Why?!

No, not 'why does he love his wife?', why must this guy proclaim his love for his wife in the form of a bumper sticker?! I can think of at least 100 other ways to proclaim one's love for another instead of on your little Redneck Mobile! Shit, could he get any classier?! His wife must be so flattered!

If you're gonna' sport a bumper sticker, at least be creative! Take the one I had once, for instance. When I was a senior in college, my mom, the generous soul that she is, gave me her heaping POS Cutlas Brougham Oldsmobile sedan which stalled everytime I turned on the heat so I had to make the 5.5 hour drive back to school in ass-cold Connecticut without heat and shivering my titties off! Where was I?! Oh yeah...this car was so crappy, that whomever was sitting in the front seat with me actually had to lean forward just to get the thing to go up a freakin' hill! I finally decided she was worth getting her very own bumper sticker which, I should add, I created...

0 to 60 in 20 minutes

I'm so cool. You know you wanna' be me. *wink*

word of the day

Okay kids, get out a #2 pencil and a lined piece of paper.

Today's word of the day is...

INGOMAT

Now don't go cheating and try to Google for a definition 'cause it's not a real word. It was one of those obnoxious verification words I had to type in before commenting on someone's blog and I wanted to see how creative y'all were today.

Hell, maybe even some of you will be funny too! *wink*

even i think this is funny

Several weeks ago, while getting my dose of the trashy magazine I like to read, I noticed an advertisement.

It's not really the advertisement that's important, it's the woman in the advertisement who caught my attention.

My daughter noticed it too...

(heh) "She looks a lot like you when you broke your ankles."

And she was right.

Don't look at the shitty quality of the image.

Don't look at Julia Louis Dreyfus' face...'cause we don't look a damn thing alike. Although I really want her hair.

Don't look at her dress.

Or her shoes.

Do pay attention to the expression on her face and the way her feet are positioned.

click to enlarge

That was totally me.

She looks funny with twisted ankles and the "Oh fuck me!" expression! However, looking at her ankles alone makes me cringe. I can remember the chain of events leading directly up to my tumble down the stairs. Looking at an image that resembles my experience is amusing but my actual experience? Not so much!!