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Saturday, January 31, 2009



With a face like this, how could I possibly stay mad at him?!

(By the way, he peed in the pinestraw this morning!)


Friday, January 30, 2009

life is like a box of chocolates...or a big hairy steamy pile of doggy doo

Jasper's not stupid. Disgusting, but definitely not stupid.

When I woke up this morning and noticed he wasn't in my room, I had a sneaking suspicion that he was up to no good. The last time I had that feeling, he had relieved himself all over my family room carpet.

I'm still not done cleaning the carpet and after this morning, I'm glad I hadn't yet put away my Spotbot.


I walked out of my room to find the dog I knew would be hanging his head in shame. Even in the dark, I could see the pile of shit on my wood floor. I saw Jasper on my living room sofa with his head turned away from me. The little fucker couldn't even look me in the eye! Can you say "I'm a guilty motherfucker!"??!

I went into the family room to see the damage. A nice oblong pee stain. Sweet.

Of course the shit in my hallway wasn't going to clean itself up so I took care of it and came into my bedroom to get caught up on Emails and such. Like every other day, my alarm went off at 5am, I finished doing what I was doing and got up to take the dogs out.

The pile of dog shit had regenerated! There it was, in the same fucking spot, staring at me as if I had never cleaned it up. Again, I cleaned it up and went into the family room. Another oblong-shaped pee stain. In the immortal words of Napoleon Dynamite, "YES!".

I can't even begin to tell you how pleased I am with this dog. Say that in the most sarcastic tone of voice possible.

Yesterday, he was a good boy. He pooped as if he was on a set schedule. He was chipper and in good spirits when we walked. I even allowed him to stay out of the crate yesterday as a sort of treat for being a good boy. All I can say is that I hope he really enjoyed his freedom yesterday because today he is going to be in that crate like a career criminal in a jail cell.

It would seem that my initial thought that he had such an upset stomach from getting into Schwartz's medication the other day would be incorrect. My newest conclusion is that when he gets upset and he knows others are upset with him, his bowels release much like the Hoover Dam - in a big fucking rush and with little control.

Talk about knowing how to get back at me! What a spiteful little pooch! Do I know how to pick dogs or what?!

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Thursday, January 29, 2009


Jasper is making my decision to take him back to the Humane Society an easy one. Tonight was the worst attack on Schwartz yet.

But before I get to that, if I do decide to take him back, I figured taking him back before the kids get super attached to him is wiser than waiting 'til six months down the road when they're absolutely in love with him. And while he has a tendency to stare with a rather unnerving gaze, he does have his moments of utter cuteness. However, I will not let that distract me from what's really going on here.

When the attacks happen, they happen quicker than my eye can register so I'm not sure exactly what Jasper is doing to Schwartz because I can't see any visible wounds. However, when I saw Schwartz limping the other day after an attack, you can imagine how awful I felt for him and how enraged I was towards Jasper. Usually I'm around to put an immediate stop to it but tonight it happened in another part of the house and Jasper's intense growling and snarling drowned out my commands to stop.

He's also taken up to torturing the cats. There were a few times that he's actually tried to lay on top of one or two of them but now he prefers cornering Buster, who is the one who reacts the most negatively to his advances, and barking at him while Buster, in turn, is growling back.

I don't want this and I certainly don't need it. The cats were just getting used to Schwartz and I think I may have royally fucked that up.

Should I do decide to take him back, I'm most definitely going to wipe up the floor with those Humane Society fuckers who told me that this dog gets along with other dogs and who supposedly did a cat test in which they presented Jasper with a cat and the cat didn't react negatively to Jasper nor Jasper to it. If you recall, this is the same shelter that told me that Schwartz was six months old when he was really a year and a half and who never revealed to me that he had a metal plate in his hind region from an accident. I could understand them failing to disclose all pertinent information to prospective clients if there wasn't a veterinarian on the premises but there is. If she weren't getting compensated for her services, which I'm certain she is, I could understand her blatant disregard in examining the animals and, for instance, being able to tell between a six month old puppy to a one and a half year old dog. The only conclusion I can come to is that she either earned her degree in Veterinarian Medicine from one of those bogus, non-accredited online "universities" or she studied at Imastupidtwathole University, neither one adding very much to her chosen career.

I am no Dr. Doolittle by a long shot but I think I'm a fairly experienced pet-owner to be able to read Jasper's actions and reactions. Here is a dog who, from a young puppy, was spoiled by a young couple who stupidly chose not to train him. Up until they had a baby, he was their baby whom they probably allowed to rule the roost and they never encouraged him not to. Along with my guilty conscience, it is for that reason I have kept myself from returning him to the shelter. I know with time his negative behavior can be broken but it's just how much time I'm willing to give him that comes into question.

He has his good qualities although I'm having a hard time giving him credit for them at this time because of my anger towards his hostility towards Schwartz. Since my last post, his bathroom habits have surprisingly become more accommodating. Twice now, he has willingly been lead towards the pinestraw area to pee mainly because I've made him wait a little longer than usual to relieve himself. He's actually still resistant to be lead completely to the pinestraw bed but he's getting closer. As for #2, I have had to continue with the walks but he has been "completing his business" closer to home and as soon as he's done, the walk is over and we turn back for home. For now, the longer walks will be used as treats probably just a few times/week. I can't continue to spoil him as I did when we first brought him home because frankly, his behavior has not been deserving of them in my opinion and because Schwartz needs to spend even more time out in the sunlight than Jasper because of his skin condition. Since I cannot walk the two together because of the separate paces they keep, Schwartz's needs take precedence over Jasper's.

I'm done! All this brain damage is proving to be exhausting!

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Wednesday, January 28, 2009

more a little bit of this and a little bit of that

I forgot to mention the other day that Schwartz's hair loss condition was finally diagnosed. He has bilateral flank alopecia. It tends to be a seasonal allergy, usually from September (which is when we first saw signs of hair loss) to March. A good part of the time the dog regrows its fur but sometimes, the dog doesn't regrow it at all which would really be ashame but nothing we can do about it if that's the case with Schwartz. You can read more about it at your leisure, but basically it is caused by a lack of sunlight which completely throws me because with all the walks I take him on and all the sunny days we have here, he should not be suffering from this. And when I say "suffering", I use that word because I know of no other word to use. He's not suffering per se because he's not affected by it other than having exposed skin that can be sensitive to colder weather conditions but he's not itchy nor has he ever been. In any case, he is on the recommended medication for this medical condition and we'll see where it takes him.

I regret to inform y'all, but adopting Jasper is turning out to be a huge regret as he's become a very selfish dog. Aside from showing a jealous side when it comes to Schwartz, he has decided that we're going to conform to his bathroom habits instead of him conforming to the schedule that works well for us. Allow me to further explain...

About ten feet from my front door is a pinestraw flower bed. I've trained Schwartz to go to the bathroom there so he doesn't burn my grass into oblivion. Schwartz wakes up, goes to the bathroom where he should and all is wonderful. For the first few days we had Jasper, he followed Schwartz's lead and at least peed in this flower bed, but once I started taking him on long walks, he started refusing to go in the flower bed. He'll stand there, watch Schwartz and then look at me as if to say "Take me on my fucking walk, bitch!".

I have been taking Jasper on daily walks, sometimes up to three times/day depending on his food intake. He and I have both enjoyed the walks but he has now grown too accustomed to them, that he wants them at all times of day including first thing in the morning. His stubbornness is truly irritating. I'm a stubborn woman with two stubborn children, I will not deal with a stubborn dog, too! We have this walking/jogging path throughout our community and he has decided that the path is his one and only pit stop. In the first few days we had him, he would mark every leaf, branch and blade of grass and even poop a few times as we walked up and down my street. Now, I can walk him up and down my street for 20 minutes and he absolutely refuses to do his business on anyone's lawn.

This morning was the first and last time that I will leave my kids alone in the house at 5am to walk him, I simply refuse to do it. It's bad enough that they came home last night with their dad and had to let themselves in because I was on a late night walk with Jasper and then, upon returning home, found them waiting by the front door because they were afraid to be in the house by themselves. With my luck, I would be out at 5am and my kids would wake up looking for me. As much as I love my pets, I'm not doing that for any animal.

A few days ago, and this is only what I believe to have happened, Jasper got into Schwartz's food bowl which is where I put his medication. Schwartz is used to being on medication for one thing or another so it doesn't affect his digestive system. Unfortunately, it is greatly affecting Jasper's and for the past few days he has done little eating and has had many bouts of diarrhea. He is not in any physical danger and this will eventually pass, but he has crapped out mounds at least four times on my bathroom tile floor and has nearly ruined the carpet in my family room. The other night, I woke up to a heap of shit in my bathroom, cleaned it up, went back to bed and woke up in the morning to rinse, lather, repeat all over the bathroom floor again. As much as I hate the crate, I've decided that it's time to train him. I gave him too much freedom in too short a time by allowing him to roam free while we're away from the house whereas Schwartz had to earn that trust, so now Jasper will have to earn it as well because my house is not a toilet nor will I allow Jasper to think it is.

All I can say, is thank God for this little guy! It's greatest feature is that it has a self-cleaning option in which you can set it on a spot, leave it for the six minute-cycle, come back and the stain iand smell are gone. Life fucking Houdini, man! It definitely was worth the price and has probably already paid for itself in just one day of use! My family room carpet is far from looking perfect but it certainly looks better than having smeared shit stains all over the place. I would have taken a picture for y'all's viewing pleasure but you probably wouldn't have eaten for the next month. Blech!

So Tough Love has been activated! If Jasper does his business in the house, accident or not, in the crate he goes. And before any of you animal-lovers and/or activists out there dare scream at me that the crate should not be used for punishment, I am not punishing him, I am training him as I mentioned above. I am not doing anything different than what I did with Schwartz and Schwartz learned with no emotional scarring that requires weekly dog therapy!

As for peeing outside, that is going to change with super lightning speed as well and it's a good thing that Jasper's a quick learner! As a single mother with twice the load of tasks to do than a married couple can share, I do not have the time to take him on 30-minute walks numerous times throughout the course of one day. I'm certain that he will learn rather quickly that early-mornings are reserved for the flowerbed and walks are for later on or he will have no choice but to learn how to hold "it" for longer periods of time.

The one good thing about the walks is that they have helped Jasper shed some weight. I know this not from weighing him but because I had to cut short a walk yesterday when he decided that chasing after a squirrel was a fabulous idea and he was able to wriggle out of his collar with ease. I've also enjoyed the walks but it's difficult at the same time because I cannot take both dogs out together. Schwartz prefers a leisurely stroll to Jasper's marathon run.

Another good thing is that Jasper and Schwartz are becoming more familiar with their play habits and Jasper's attacks on Schwartz have lessened.

I'll leave you with that positive thought and all I ask for is your prayers that my carpet will survive The Dog Shit Extravaganza of 2009!

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Monday, January 26, 2009

a little bit of this. a little bit of that.

I know it's been awhile since I've blogged or visited many of your blogs but I've had a lot of shit going on here.

It's been one week since we've had Jasper and in that time, I've taught him how to walk with a leash, he' responds to his name, he's learned which food bowl is his and he's taken 4 heaping shits inside the house, one of which has probably permanently stained my family room carpet. In that time, Schwartz has regressed some much like a young child would when he/she sees his/her sibling doing his/her business in diapers and has peed a few times in the house right in front of us.

Jasper also has a very mean, dark side and at least twice a day, I'm screaming at Jasper when he lashes out at Schwartz and literally attacks him when playtime gets outta' hand. Thankfully, Schwartz does not have an existing injuries but if this continues past the 6 month mark, I will be taking Jasper back to the shelter. I don't think Jasper would harm any of us but I have to keep that in mind while all this is going on plus his interest in the cats has taken him to trying to lay down on them and squash them, of which he gets reprimanded for as well. I'm thinking that I should change his name to Damien because he definitely has an evil side to him.

For weeks now, I have been trying to refinance my mortgage through my mortgage company but early last week, the guy I had been working with stopped returning my phone calls and Emails and I missed out on locking in a 4.625% rate. Since I will not be ignored (thank you Glenn Close for that perfect line), I called the mortgage company to start over with someone new only to find out that no one could speak to me right then and there because all the loan officers are so extremely busy with other clients wanting to refinance and that I'd probably hear back from someone within 10 business days. Probably? I don't think so.

I then decided to contact my bank thinking that since I'm a long-time customer, they could hook me up with something decent only to find out that since I'm not employed, there's probably little chance that I could get a mortgage through them.

My only other option was to put my tail between my legs and talk to my parents about helping me refinance since that's really the only other option I have and I have to do something now because my 5 ARM/6 month deal is about to be up in the next few months and I'll be damned if I keep giving this shitty mortgage company my business.

*takes a deep breath*

Then, if all that wasn't enough, I got a call just a little while ago from the lower school guidance counselor that my 8-year old daughter has been singled out by quite a number of girls in her grade as saying bad words to them and talking about "hairy body parts". My daughter, who's been instructed by me since she started Pre-K at this school, that she will not be mean to others, is being a social bully and I am absolutely mortified and horrified at her behavior.

Do you know why she's doing this? Because the person who shall not be mentioned here and his lovely (cough, cough) bride of just over a year and a half are getting a divorce and my daughter is pissed off. She doesn't care that she knows she will feel my holy wrath when she comes home today because if she did, she would have never done what she's done. She knows she can't get away with this shit at school or at home, yet this is the kind of disturbing behavior she's exhibiting.

And, although I should be thankful, the person who shall not be mentioned here is once again his old social self with me, going out of his way to talk and be nice to me. Why should this bother me? Because the guidance counselor told me that she was going to call him when she was done speaking with me and when he called to mention that they had spoken and I mentioned "hairy body parts", he thought it appropriate to ask me if I was having "grooming" issues. Nice, huh? Here is a man who has treated me with such disrespect while he was with this woman only to continue to treat me with more disrespect after the fact. I'm glad he thinks it's funny.

I hope the person who shall not be mentioned here is happy with himself and his dysfunctional, ugly fucking cunt of a tramp soon-to-be ex gold-digging whore of a wife.

As a side note, I don't know who my daughter has heard say bad words. It certainly isn't me. Heh.

I need a nap.

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Thursday, January 22, 2009

oh, this one is good!

I've written a puppy post update but I can't, for the life of me find time to transfer the one and only photo I've gotten of Jasper to my computer so I'm waiting 'til I do that before posting about the pooches.

In the mean time, we have a word of the day. All these words, by the way, are word verifications I've received when posting on other peoples' blogs.

Today's word is...


I know what word came to mind when I first saw it so I can only imagine what you sickos out there see.

Let your creative juices flow!

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Sunday, January 18, 2009

1 adult, 2 children, 3 cats, 1 dog and..

...I must be outta' my fucking mind!!

At the end of February, it will be a year since adopting Schwartz.

In this time, he has shit and peed himself happy repeatedly in numerous spots around my house (and just to remind me that he still isn't completely housebroken, he took a shit in my dining room this morning), it was discovered that as a younger puppy, he was hit by a car and has a metal plate in his hip with rod and wires down one leg to keep everything attached and has had countless other health issues. As a first time dog owner, this past year has been a learning experience to say the least!

For those of you who've followed my blog for awhile, you know about Schwartz's loss of fur which turned out to be from a food allergy. His skin looks better although there's still some break outs occurring, almost like he has severe acne. Minimal fur regrowth is apparent but very slow and more of his fur has actually thinned out in other areas as well. When the allergy first developed, his previous diet caused him to be ravenous, he couldn't wait for his meals and he was eating them in less than a minute and then looking for more. Since starting him on the newer, high quality food, his appetite is back to normal with him taking his time eating his food throughout the course of the day. Because of the balding issue, I have not taken him to day care in some time now especially since we're in a serious cold patch right now and this particular area of skin is affected by the cold.

One other observation I've noticed for awhile now, is that he's lonely. While the kids and I spend as much time with him as we can it doesn't seem to be enough. He looks sad when we have to leave and it breaks my heart. In this year, the cats have learned to simply tolerate him. One out of the three cats still hisses at him fairly regularly when Schwartz gets too close and none of the cats have warmed up to him enough to dare cuddle with him. Even so, Schwartz doesn't give up his natural instinct to try to play with them and as doofie as he can be sometimes, he's not stupid and understands that the cats just don't care for him.

For some time now, I have thought about getting him a playmate. I've really been back and forth with it because, frankly, it's just not in my budget. Day care is great for socializing him but it's just not practical with the economy being in the toilet and with the amount of money I spend on that, having taken him two times/week in the past, spending the money on adopting a dog would equal the same amount I'd pay for two weeks worth of day care. Of course there's everything else that goes along with owning a pet like health care, food costs, grooming costs, etc. but the positive certainly outweighs the negative when it comes to full-time companionship.

So I'm thrilled to announce that as of 1pm today, Schwartz has a new full-time playmate!

The adoption happened very quickly. I saw his photo on our local Humane Society's website on Friday night and went in yesterday morning to check him out. He's been at the shelter for almost two weeks and no one before us showed an interest. The decision to adopt him was immediate. I spent ten minutes with him but knew within the first minute that I wanted him.

His name is Jasper, formally Jack. I changed his name because I didn't want him to have the same name as the devil child living directly across the street from us. From what I understand, when you change a dog's name, you should try to make it sound as familiar as the former so they are not entirely confused, that's why I kept the J-A part. Even so, he is confused which I suppose is normal and I'm sure it will take a few days at least before he starts recognizing it.

Onto the details...Jasper is a 1.5 year old Lab/German Shorthaired Pointer mix, probably more Lab than Pointer. The only recognizing Pointer features are his head and coloring. Everything else is Lab. His tail is Lab not Pointer and I haven't seen him point yet but then again, I've only had him here for a little over an hour! He is extremely overweight and will no doubt have to be put on a diet although the way he and Schwartz have been playing, he should lose all his excess weight in about two seconds! He's housebroken, knows minimal commands, seems to be good with cats and since the cats are used to having a dog around, seem to be okay with him, he has a great disposition, very sweet, very high energy and too fucking cute for words!

By now you're probably wondering WTF he looks like. Well, I gave you the description above which is all I can leave you with for now since he won't sit still long enough for me to snap a picture! Gimme' a week, I'm sure things will calm down by then!

Because we already have a dog, he and Schwartz had to have a "meet-and-greet" to make sure they'd get along before I could take him home. He also had to have a cat test to make sure he would deal well with cats and he passed. Jasper and Schwartz had a great first meeting and I can't even begin to tell you how excited Schwartz is to have a friend to play with! They are both so exhausted right now, I'm certain they'll both sleep well tonight.

I definitely have my work cut out for me. The people who owned him previously spoiled him rotten and most definitely did not train him at all. He knows 'sit' and that's it. For people who had him since he was a young puppy, I'm truly appauled they didn't take the time to teach their dog the basics. At first, I will have to take him for solo walks because he doesn't know a thing about walking, which side to stay on, etc.. He's all over the place and when I led he and Schwartz out of the shelter today, I'm surprised I didn't fall and break my neck with how caught up I was in their leashes!

The adoption happened very quickly. I saw his photo on the Humane Society's website on Friday night and went in yesterday morning to check him out. He's been at the shelter for almost two weeks and no one before us showed an interest. The decision to adopt him was immediate. I spent ten minutes with him but knew within the first minute that I wanted him.

Fortunately, the vet I take our pets to is open on Saturdays and I called them and they faxed the requested information right over to the shelter. By 3:30 yesterday afternoon, our adoption had been approved.

Now, here's some interesting news about Schwartz...

The people at the Humane Society remembered him and couldn't believe how amazing he looks! I was told that he and his litter of brothers and sisters were brought in as young puppies and that they were just very messy, ugly-looking puppies!

Anyway, that's the scoop for now. I will keep you posted and the minute I get a picture of 'the boys' I'll post it here!

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Saturday, January 17, 2009

i must be fucking mental!


NOTE: If you haven't read the previous post to this one, please do so before reading this. If not, you will have no fucking clue what I'm talking about and will most likely viciously curse at me/your computer screen. I have enough shit going on lately that I really don't feel like coming over there and smacking you upside the head!

Anyway, this post was originally another pissy one about the Ice Princess but it's amazing what a good night sleep will do for a person. Even if I do have shit sleep habits and I'm only fortunate enough to have the occasional good night sleep, at least the few hours that I did sleep last night seemed to have paid off and I don't feel like the same evil bitch I felt I was last night!

Anyway, my curiosity got the better of me and after I posted my last blog entry, I checked my voicemail and sure enough, there was a message left by the IP.

She said that she was at the theater watching the same movie she's seen twenty times before (as I thought) and that she had accidentally left her phone turned on so when I returned the call, the ringing surprised her, she panicked and disconnected me. She left the theater to call me back and to apologize for disconnecting me, that she was turning off her phone for the remainder of the film (as if she'd actually miss something she hadn't seen twenty times before) and that she would talk to me tomorrow (today).

Ordinarily, I'd say something like "Don't do me any favors, biyotch." but ya' know what? It's a new year and I'm turning over a new leaf. No more being a spontaneous bitch to people unless it's an absolute emergency. *snicker* Of course that rule does not apply to my blog. *wink*

With all that said, I still think she's a fucking liar and a total shit for what she tried to pull with me. Just an hour before calling me last night to ask if I'd like to go to the movie, she sounded like she was at death's door, complaining of flu-like symptoms and assuring me she was ready to throw up her internal organs, her neighbor's internal organs and the internal organs of the man who mows her lawn. I'm sorry, unless you're going through withdrawal symptoms from heroine (not that I know firsthand but I do watch Intervention from time-to-time), the flu doesn't come and go like a passing fart on the wind. I may act like I don't know my asshole from my elbow sometimes but I do know when someone's trying to pull a fast one over on me.

Not only that, but it's also my opinion that if she had really wanted me to join them, she would have tried a little harder to get in touch, like calling me back on my house phone, and not called me moments before the movie was starting.

Here's my take on liars - if you feel the need to lie to someone, then you're not worth trusting, period. While I've enjoyed her friendship over the past few months, I'm not hard-up for friends, I don't need someone inviting me as an obvious courtesy rather than actually wanting me to be there and I'm certainly not going to be a third wheel so I doubt I will continue to offer her my friendship from this point on which, of course, is ashame but I just don't care to be played for a fool.

Even so, I Emailed her this morning apologizing for the message I left on her voicemail last night and even though she said we'd talk today, I bowed out of that as graciously as possible by telling her that I'm having severe issues with my phone and I'lll be in touch. I think the impersonal nature of the Email sends the message that while I'm apologizing, she's not important enough to me for me to directly chat with and it sends a clear message, in my opinion, that I'm leaving the ball in my court and I have no expectations of her calling me for anything from this point on. We'll see what transpires. For all I know she may actually make an effort to repair the damage done but I don't live by miracles so I'm not expecting any to occur.

I for one did my part to make the friendship work and as short-lived as it was, I'm certainly not putting forth the effort anymore. I think she's probably a genuinely nice person but there's something underneath that just doesn't sit well with me and when I don't feel comfortable with a person, I try to get them out of my life as quickly as possible.

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Friday, January 16, 2009

did i say i sometimes hated people? my bad, i meant that sometimes i really fucking hated people!

Let me just give y'all a little disclaimer here...not only am I twitching and itching, getting ready to jump outta' my skin over something that happened this evening, but I'm close to receiving my monthly "bill" and that certainly hasn't helped matters at all. As with all my rants, when I'm this super pissed I tend to curse excessively so be prepared to bleach out your eye sockets when you're done reading! I also tend to rant for, like, forever, so if you don't like lengthy posts pass this one right by. If you do, then grab your beverage of choice and sit still for a few minutes.

Let's go back in time, shall we? October 29th, 2008 to be exact. My old cell phone was slowly but surely falling apart and I was tired of trying to listen people through white noise static. I went to my local cell phone provider, whom I've been a loyal customer of for the past twelve or so years, and explained my situation to them. As a long-time loyal customer, I was offered a free phone as has been the case numerous times in the past.

The phone I chose, as I have before, is a simple phone. I don't need a Blackberry or any other device that allows me to put on it my Last Will and Testament, access my Swiss bank accounts (yeah, don't I wish!), offer my latest dump measurements or add my newest gourmet recipes (like I can even cook!) nor do I need one that can shoot laser beams in all directions. Not that there's a phone that can actually shoot laser beams but that would be cool, wouldn't it?! Anyway, just give me a fucking phone that can save all my contacts and I'm a happy camper.

Well, let's just say that since early November 2008, this happy camper has been ready to don an old hockey mask, change her name to "Jason" and walk around killing off whomever dares come in close proximity.

My newest cell phone has never worked right. Almost right off the bat, people spoke like they were under water and I heard from more than one person how rude I was because I kept asking "What?" to every question asked. Did I build this fucking cell phone you turd nuggets?! I apologized anyway because that's what nice people do. Oh shut up, I am too nice!

Since October, I have also had a very weak signal inside my home. Because I am an ancient fart and still use dial-up for my computer, I require my cell phone at all times while my land line is tied up with the computer and I require that my cell phone actually works. So I waited and waited and last week I felt I had waited long enough. I went into the cell phone provider to tell them that my phone was a piece of crap (exact words) and that something needed to be done to resolve my cell phone issues.

Now, I can understand how that would come across...if I was the only one dealing with such a problem but there were two other people in the store at the exact same time with the exact same issues with their phones. And the people who worked there were less than helpful because no one really knew what the problem was or could be. Try a new SIM card? Sure, why not! Not quite sure what a SIM card would have to do with the weak signal inside my house but sure, I'll try anything at least once! *wink wink, nudge nudge*

They wouldn't give me a free phone because the phone was too new. Unfortunately, all the phones advertised as FREE were actually quite expensive and I wasn't about to dish out money for that kind of crazy shit! Last but not least, they took my name and address down and PROMISED that within the week, I would hear from a technician who would come out to my house to make sure it was not a cell tower issue in my area. Do you think I ever heard from that technician? I'm wondering if I'd held my breath if that would have helped the situation?! Or maybe I'd just be a dead, dissatisfied cell phone-user.

The latest and greatest to happen to this POS phone I have is that starting today, it no longer allows me to make out-going calls while I'm inside my house. Nope, all I get is that ear-piercing beeping in my ear followed by the ever-popular 'network busy' message flashing on my phone screen.

So I called the provider and basically told them "Fix my phone NOW or eat shit!". Well, fixing my fine right this very instant was not possible because, as far as I know, there is no way to teleport ourselves from here to there and make things better all in the matter of a minute. First, I let loose on a customer service TECH. Had I known that he was just a tech and couldn't help me with my account or any customer service issues, I wouldn't have wasted half my life telling him what was going on. And when I couldn't stand to hear him say for the umpteenth time "I completely understand how you feel.", I asked him to put me through to someone who would actually do something for me.

I wound up with Caroline who was so helpful, I would have reached through the phone and given her a sloppy wet kiss on her girly region had I been able to. She hooked me up with a brand new state-of-the-art cell phone FREE OF FUCKING CHARGE. Now how's THAT for service with a smile?! Of course I won't actually get to lay my hands on that phone 'til mid-week but I guess I can't expect Caroline to walk on water for me or change water into wine. She should be able to do just that but I guess I'll just settle for the free phone. *wink*

Then there's my kids' computer. *sigh* Does everyone remember that fiasco when school was in session, my son needed his computer for school work but neither of my kids happened to mention to me that their existing computer was shot to hell and I had to fork over the big bucks for a new one? Remember how easy a time I had with the purchase and the numerous issues that followed? Well, now there's yet another issue with it.

The other night, out of the clear blue, the browser stopped working. According to the phone company that I purchased the DSL from, they could see from their end that the Internet connection was working just fine but it seems that the wonderful security software I was encouraged to buy from salesperson A at Best Buy, claiming that it was the latest and greatest security software on the market, has allowed a virus in to fuck with the computer. Apparently, this phone company has seen this type of problem on numerous occasions before with this software. Now I have to take the computer back to Best Buy tomorrow so they can figure out the fucking problem and so that I can rip them a new asshole about being told that I was purchasing a great security software package that allows viruses in instead of keeping them out! Motherfuckers!! It will get resolved but nevertheless, another headache to be dealt with.

Last night my son had his fourth basketball game. His team has won all four of their games so far and are really proving to be a great team. But that's not why I'm pissed and this time it has to do with a person and not technology.

Back in the fall during my son's football season, I befriended this gal, another mother of a player. I had met her briefly last year through another friend and in the fall, we really became decent friends.

Lately, we've been doing some stuff together, the movies, drinks, etc.. However, last night something was wrong and the Ice Princess as I now have dubbed her, was completely foreign to me.

I took into consideration that her mother is currently dealing with some health issues and that she may have been preoccupied with that so I gave her the benefit of the doubt. That was after she climbed onto the bleachers on my side and walked across me to sit by the side of the friend I met her through. Kinda' rude if you ask me but these two are as thick as thieves so no big deal. We can't all have the strong, tight friendships we'd like to have.

The IP barely spoke to me, in fact, now that I look back on last night, she only spoke to me when I spoke to her. Never once did she initiate conversation with me. Not to make excuses for her but she did seem to be a little out of sorts and when I called her today to tell her that my daughter wanted to see "Twilight" again and asked if she'd care to join us (she's seen the movie about 20 times!), she said she had come down with something and it wasn't likely that she'd leave the house. She told me that our mutual friend, the one whom she sat beside at the game last night, was going and to call her but I bailed saying that my daughter was probably going to be tired from her soccer practice this evening, told her we'd do it another time and wished her well.

Not an hour later, I got a call on my cell phone from her cell phone. Yeah, she felt so sick that she was out and probably going to see that very movie with our mutual friend. I tried to call her back from my cell phone but, of course, I got my favorite 'network busy' message flashing it's evilness at me. I called her from my house phone and do you know the bitch hung up on me!

Now, I know the difference between an accidental disconnected call and someone hanging up, and that was a hang up. I thought I had gotten the wrong number but sure enough, when I checked, it was the right number and I called back. Do you know that fucking crusty cunt forwarded me to her voicemail?!

I called her house and left the following message on her voicemail...

IP, it is about 8:10 on Friday night. I saw that you tried to call me on my cell phone but, as you know, it's not working right and not only could I not hear you but when I tried to call you back several times from my cell phone it kept giving me a 'network busy' message, the newest of my problems with my phone. I tried calling you from my house phone but you hung up on me the first time and sent me to voicemail the second time. Not sure what I did to deserve that kind of treatment but nevertheless I'm not pleased with it. There really isn't a reason for you to return my call because such rude behavior towards me won't be tolerated.


I don't know about you, but I'm fairly certain I made myself very clear.

Not two seconds later, my house phone rang and it was she. By that time, I was already logging onto my computer and its connection cut her off. I know I have a voicemail or at least a partial one, but chances are it will be deleted without being heard. As for her reaction to my voicemail? I always anticipate the worst and I always plan my comebacks well in advance just in case. I'm not sure I'll have to use them or even waste my time using them because at this point, I'm not even sure she's worth my friendship.

Yes, the latter is really what has gotten me into a tizzy this evening because, as in my last post, I am not deserving of this kind of treatment. I may sound like a royal fucking twathole on here but in real life, I can be such a great friend to people if they allow me.

With regards to my last post, thank you to all those who responded and offered me their opinions. I have always felt that those removed from a situation can always see things more clearly and I was glad to have received all of your well-thought-out responses.


Just a little while ago this evening, my phone rang and it was my long lost lusted-after friend whom I thought had blown me off like a human tumbleweed. He called to see how I was doing and to tell me details of what was going on. So I wanted y'all to see with your own eyes that I retract everything negative I said about him because as a few of you wrote, he's just dealing with this shit and can't be bothered with anyone or anything that doesn't have to do with his present situation.

Rant over. In the immortal words of Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the Star Ship Enterprise, "As you were."!!!!

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and this is exactly why i am not in a relationship

A week or so ago, a former lust object of mine resurfaced on Facebook. We started reminiscing and after numerous IM chats and one phone call, it wasn't hard to figure out that he was in an unhappy marriage.

I know, red flag. I have the talent to ignore them when I need to pay attention to them.

So we start talking about his unhappy situation. In no offense to any of you because I don't claim to know your marital statuses, but it pisses me off to no end to hear how people will stay in a marriage just for their kids.

Okay, lemme' tell you something folks, and I can say this because I am a divorced woman with two kids who aren't all fucked in the head from the divorce but ya' know what really fucks the kids up in a divorce? The parents. The fighting and hostility rubs off onto them and that is what affects them. Yes, of course the kids don't want their parents to split and want their parents to be all happy happy, but it's the residual effects the arguing has on them that causes the most damage and not the actual split. Don't believe me? Go do some Googling and read up on it.

Again, I can say that because I was once there. If I wasn't arguing with my ex, then we were ignoring each other. I, too, was one of those parents who told myself I would, I could, stay with my ex simply for the sake of the kids but when it came down to it, the minute I realized how our behavior was affecting our kids, I knew it was time to be selfish for once in my marriage and get out while my kids were still sane!

The fact remains, there is no reason why anyone should ever use their kids as the excuse for staying in a wrecked marriage. My parents did and they are two of the most dysfunctional people I know. I can recall numerous times when I'd find my mother crying in a closet and other times when my sister and I hoped my parents would divorce. Frankly, my father could be really fucking sinister when he wanted to be and it would have done him good to have his balls cut off and shoved down his throat but, of course, that's just my fantasy opinion.

Do you know what happens to the person in the marriage who decides to stay for the sake of the kids? That thing we call a 'spine' shrivels up and disintegrates. If my parents were to get a divorce now, my mother wouldn't know what to do with herself and would probably fall into a permanent catatonic state. Which, in hindsight, wouldn't be so bad because then she'd stop telling me I have a brain tumor whenever I get one of my migraines along with the numerous other health issues she claims she has. Can you say "Hypochondriac?"?! C'mon kids, sure ya' can!

Anyway, divorce...been there, done that, have the T-shirt! Friend-to-friend, I talked with this guy about his situation. It made sense, he got it, he knew that not all would be lost if he and his wife were to divorce. The kids would be sad for awhile and then they would recover.

We've chatted and/or Emailed every day since getting back in touch. Strangely enough, he has such a clear, strong memory of our time together down to the details of our sexual encounters. A bit weird but we were able to joke about it without letting it bother us. Suddenly, I made a comment as I had been for the last 20 minutes of our conversation and he says "Uh...oh by the way, the shit went down last night and I'm moving out soon. I'm so worried about the kids so I won't be able to chat with you for awhile.".

Huh?! How did our conversation go from joking one minute to basically telling me C ya'!!

One of two things happened here...first, I can see a brush off from a mile away and I don't appreciate such a thing from anyone, friend or stranger, more so from someone I consider a friend. Two, it was okay for him to make sexual jokes but the second I make one, he gets all weirded out and heads for the hills?! WTF?!

I will admit that I do have a tendency to read into things a bit too much but what else am I left to think? He's all but admitted to me that he still thinks about me and dangles that little carrot in front of my face and then BAM, he's gone quicker than the Star Ship Enterprise at warp speed!

As someone who's experienced divorce firsthand and who understands the ins and outs of the emotions that come into play during such a mourning period, I'm the first one to understand loneliness, neediness, and a whole multitude of emotions that goes along with first separation, then divorce and then the aftermath when you just want to sow your wild oats 'til the cows come home! I'm also the first one to understand wanting to physically get back out into the dating world but not being ready emotionally. After one experience years ago with a newly separated man that left me kinda' shattered, I made a promise to myself that I would not get involved with men who were not only just separated but also emotionally unavailable mainly because, no matter how much they will try to convince you and themselves, they are just not ready to get back out there after going through what can be such a hurtful process. I just can't do it and up until now, I've been a good girl.

In one way, it's different because this guy is not a stranger to me. When we first talked, we picked up our friendship where we last left it and it was good, familiar and fun. Nothing wrong with that. No promises were ever made to me and even if there had been, I wouldn't have believed any of them. I think what bothers me about this situation the most is that this was supposed to be a friendship, nothing more, and as soon as it restarted, he pushed it aside like it didn't mean shit.

For all I know, I could be reading too much into it and I've put together incorrectly the pieces to this puzzle but nevertheless, it sucks to feel like you've just been shit on when you've done nothing to deserve it. I'll recover, I always do and in no offense to the men out there reading this, sometimes I really hate you guys.

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Thursday, January 15, 2009

i'm such a lazy shit

Since I've been spending time writing and Facebooking lately and catching up with ex-boyfriends (a story for another day) instead of doing things that I should be doing like, oh, refinancing my mortgage and basically doing whatever I can from allowing this house to fall into the shitter, I have nothing of any interest to write about. Not that I ever do, but today is really nothing.

So whenever there's nothing, out come the "Word of the Day" posts! Yeefuckinhaw!

Today's word is "tordaw".

Again, don't cheat by Googling because this is not a real word. You must write a sentence with a believable definition. And today, you cannot use words in your sentence like 'suck' and 'blow'. Heh.

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Monday, January 12, 2009

i wanna' tell y'all a story

I try to give to charities. My own sister has a neurological disorder [which is probably why she's such a hairy bitch but that's an entirely different story] so I know all about worthwhile causes and organizations to donate to.

With being a single mom who doesn't work and with the economy being in the crapper, it's hard for me to give as much as I'd like to these days. But something happened the other night that has really affected my life and I wanted to share it with y'all.

This past Thursday, I entered the school campus to get into the carpool line and noticed a very large RV parked in front of the school's auditorium. It had writing on it but I had no idea what it was about. On Friday, my son asked me if we could attend a movie screening about a young man with Duchenne Muscular Dystrophy. His school is very big into community service, giving to worthwhile causes, being eco-friendly, etc., so I said "Sure, why not?".

I had no idea that I'd walk out of that auditorium a changed person.

I'll attempt to tell you the story about this young man but I know I won't do it justice so all I ask y'all, is when you're done reading this blog post, to click on any of the links in this post or on the advertisement in my sidebar underneath the 'about me' section and give. For $20, it will be so worth your time and money.

Darius Weems was 15 years old when his friends-turned-filmmakers took him on a 3-week trip from Athens, Georgia to Los Angeles, all so he could try to get on MTV's Pimp My Ride to get his wheelchair pimped out. Their journey also included finding how handicap-accessible America really is. They filmed a movie about Darius's experiences, experiences that many of us will never have. Along the way, long-lasting friendships were forged, friendships that you and I will probably never be fortunate to experience for ourselves during our lifetime. Now at 19, Darius is still traveling with his friends to spread the word about his cause and about Duchenne Muscular Dystrophy. Their goal is to sell one million DVDs in one year. Although people with DMD are surviving longer now, it is still the number one killer among young male children and I, for one, would like to see these guys reach their goal before DMD takes Darius's life.

Folks, if my 11-year old son was left speechless by this film and Darius's larger-than-life presence and attitude, that speaks volumes to me.

Please take some time at your leisure to at least look at this site. Thank you!

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Sunday, January 4, 2009

the good news

Okay, so last I left y'all, I had some good news to share. I wasn't going to share it right away but Pandora made a random stab in the dark in her comment to my last blog post as to what my news was and was partially right (Pan, you fucking witch!). In any case, I thought it was time to fess up.

For as long as I can remember, I have wanted to be a writer. It started in my elementary school years when I would write silly stories just for kicks to entertain others. I even won some state and national book-writing awards. My love for writing continued throughout all my schooling, including college. It didn't matter what I majored in because I knew no matter what, my desired long-term goal would be fiction writing.

As a young adult, I brainstormed like most people breathe oxygen. I carried pads of paper and small notebooks around with me wherever I went, and I still do that to this day. I wrote story lines that I developed into rough drafts, knowing one day they would develop into real writings. But time, work and life got in the way and I was never able to complete these stories.

This continued into the early years of my marriage. Just as Anne Rice was coming out with her vampire series, I had an entire vampire series lined out and, if I do say so myself, it was good. But, of course, marriage, children and life put all that on hold and I was okay with that. I knew a time would come when I would either complete those writings or do something else. If anything, I would get something published just so my children would one day see it. It didn't matter if I became a well-known author, just as long as my children had something to be proud of me.

Early on this December, I read the first book in the Twilight series. I proceeded to read the entire four-book series in a week's time, each book taking me only two days to read. For those who've seen/read the books, they are all very long so you know how much sleep I lost during that week.

You might be wondering what I found so intriguing about these books to read them so quickly. It's not that I think author Stephanie Meyer is such a fabulous writer, although I will admit she grabbed my attention from the first page which, for me at least, is very important. If I can't get into a book within the first ten pages, I usually put it down and never pick it up again.

What caught me a bit off-guard was that her story was my story! Don't get me wrong, no one stole anything but author Stephanie Meyer's Twilight novels and many of my ideas weren't just similar, they were exactly the same. And I was pissed. Not at her, at myself for not lighting a fire under my ass all those years ago and doing what I love to do best. I was pissed that it could have been me entertaining so many people with my vivid tales of vampire lust and love.

Anyway, fast forward to the present. On Friday December 26th, I left on my long-dreaded trip to visit my family. That Thursday, after years of suffering from writer's block and not really giving a damn whether or not I wrote or even if I ever had a book published, the writing bug suddenly hit me again, full force. On that Thursday alone, inbetween waiting for the hives to surface and packing, I regurgitated 173 pages of what I truly believe will be my first novel. And while I was away, I wrote every free second that was generously given to me, pretty much to help save my sanity from my family's dysfunction. For once, I was excited not to be someone who had decent sleep habits as I would awaken at 4, 5 in the morning and write non-stop for almost two hours if not more until my children would wake. As of 6:30 this past Thursday morning, I had hand-written my entire first novel and fifty pages of a sequel. My kids were at their dad's this past weekend and other than a few brief periods of sleep, eating and peeing, I spent most of my weekend writing instead of unpacking. I very rarely left my desk. It is all very rough and it will take me months of editing and fine-tuning but I do believe this is my time to shine.

In recent years, as my kids have developed more independence, I thought about getting back into writing but thinking it and doing it are two totally different things. I truly believe that everyone is put on this earth for a significant reason and for some time now I thought that mine was to be the best mother possible. There's nothing wrong with that and, in fact, not a moment has passed in my past eleven+ years as a mother where I didn't consider some aspect of parenthood fulfilling and rewarding. But I've always known that there was something more for me out there and I can't even begin to tell you how excited I am for this new chapter in my life to finally take shape!

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Thursday, January 1, 2009

6 long days later...

...I'm home! I survived!

My sister and I were civil to one another. We didn't greet each other when I arrived last Friday and we didn't wish each other well when I left this morning. My parents, while they didn't mention anything to me, were obviously aware of what was going on and didn't try to intervene. My sister and I spoke when needed which wasn't often. She's still the psycho that she always has been but at least I didn't have to deal with her that often.

I overheard that she was recently diagnosed with migraines which could have contributed to her nasty disposition over the years but like I said, she's still very much OCD and is seriously overprotective of my children in ways that are quite irritating. But I won't go into that right now because I'm ecstatic to be home!

I have good news and bad news. The good news I will save for another time because it takes quite a bit of explaining and I have a buttload of shit to get done around here this evening and I need to take advantage of it while my kids are staying overnight at their dad's.

The bad news is is that in recent weeks, my computer has started acting up on me in very bothersome ways. We all know from my stories how slow it is but now certain things aren't working. Even though it's very rare for me to turn my speakers on, they seemed to have died along with my disk drive which I may have used twice in the last four years that I've owned this POS computer. Also, Firefox keeps crashing on me to the point where I have difficulty getting online and I now have to maneuver through back doors just to get online. It's quite annoying and it looks like I may be hitting Best Buy again this week for a new 'puter.

But enough with all that, I hope this finds everyone well and recovering from their holidays which I hope were spent safe and left y'all with lasting memories! Happy 2009!!!