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Friday, January 16, 2009

and this is exactly why i am not in a relationship

A week or so ago, a former lust object of mine resurfaced on Facebook. We started reminiscing and after numerous IM chats and one phone call, it wasn't hard to figure out that he was in an unhappy marriage.

I know, red flag. I have the talent to ignore them when I need to pay attention to them.

So we start talking about his unhappy situation. In no offense to any of you because I don't claim to know your marital statuses, but it pisses me off to no end to hear how people will stay in a marriage just for their kids.

Okay, lemme' tell you something folks, and I can say this because I am a divorced woman with two kids who aren't all fucked in the head from the divorce but ya' know what really fucks the kids up in a divorce? The parents. The fighting and hostility rubs off onto them and that is what affects them. Yes, of course the kids don't want their parents to split and want their parents to be all happy happy, but it's the residual effects the arguing has on them that causes the most damage and not the actual split. Don't believe me? Go do some Googling and read up on it.

Again, I can say that because I was once there. If I wasn't arguing with my ex, then we were ignoring each other. I, too, was one of those parents who told myself I would, I could, stay with my ex simply for the sake of the kids but when it came down to it, the minute I realized how our behavior was affecting our kids, I knew it was time to be selfish for once in my marriage and get out while my kids were still sane!

The fact remains, there is no reason why anyone should ever use their kids as the excuse for staying in a wrecked marriage. My parents did and they are two of the most dysfunctional people I know. I can recall numerous times when I'd find my mother crying in a closet and other times when my sister and I hoped my parents would divorce. Frankly, my father could be really fucking sinister when he wanted to be and it would have done him good to have his balls cut off and shoved down his throat but, of course, that's just my fantasy opinion.

Do you know what happens to the person in the marriage who decides to stay for the sake of the kids? That thing we call a 'spine' shrivels up and disintegrates. If my parents were to get a divorce now, my mother wouldn't know what to do with herself and would probably fall into a permanent catatonic state. Which, in hindsight, wouldn't be so bad because then she'd stop telling me I have a brain tumor whenever I get one of my migraines along with the numerous other health issues she claims she has. Can you say "Hypochondriac?"?! C'mon kids, sure ya' can!

Anyway, divorce...been there, done that, have the T-shirt! Friend-to-friend, I talked with this guy about his situation. It made sense, he got it, he knew that not all would be lost if he and his wife were to divorce. The kids would be sad for awhile and then they would recover.

We've chatted and/or Emailed every day since getting back in touch. Strangely enough, he has such a clear, strong memory of our time together down to the details of our sexual encounters. A bit weird but we were able to joke about it without letting it bother us. Suddenly, I made a comment as I had been for the last 20 minutes of our conversation and he says "Uh...oh by the way, the shit went down last night and I'm moving out soon. I'm so worried about the kids so I won't be able to chat with you for awhile.".

Huh?! How did our conversation go from joking one minute to basically telling me C ya'!!

One of two things happened here...first, I can see a brush off from a mile away and I don't appreciate such a thing from anyone, friend or stranger, more so from someone I consider a friend. Two, it was okay for him to make sexual jokes but the second I make one, he gets all weirded out and heads for the hills?! WTF?!

I will admit that I do have a tendency to read into things a bit too much but what else am I left to think? He's all but admitted to me that he still thinks about me and dangles that little carrot in front of my face and then BAM, he's gone quicker than the Star Ship Enterprise at warp speed!

As someone who's experienced divorce firsthand and who understands the ins and outs of the emotions that come into play during such a mourning period, I'm the first one to understand loneliness, neediness, and a whole multitude of emotions that goes along with first separation, then divorce and then the aftermath when you just want to sow your wild oats 'til the cows come home! I'm also the first one to understand wanting to physically get back out into the dating world but not being ready emotionally. After one experience years ago with a newly separated man that left me kinda' shattered, I made a promise to myself that I would not get involved with men who were not only just separated but also emotionally unavailable mainly because, no matter how much they will try to convince you and themselves, they are just not ready to get back out there after going through what can be such a hurtful process. I just can't do it and up until now, I've been a good girl.

In one way, it's different because this guy is not a stranger to me. When we first talked, we picked up our friendship where we last left it and it was good, familiar and fun. Nothing wrong with that. No promises were ever made to me and even if there had been, I wouldn't have believed any of them. I think what bothers me about this situation the most is that this was supposed to be a friendship, nothing more, and as soon as it restarted, he pushed it aside like it didn't mean shit.

For all I know, I could be reading too much into it and I've put together incorrectly the pieces to this puzzle but nevertheless, it sucks to feel like you've just been shit on when you've done nothing to deserve it. I'll recover, I always do and in no offense to the men out there reading this, sometimes I really hate you guys.

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OpenID honeywine said...

You are not reading too much into it. Any guy who remembers EVERYTHING like that? Yeah, you got under his skin. And now suddenly here you are dangling your carrots? He freaked. Pure and simple. Been there, done that, and too many times to count! That's what happens when you're fabulous and memorable like us! When you get right down to it, men are idiots the vast majority of the time. But it's that or buy stock in Energizer. lol

January 16, 2009 at 11:17 AM  
Blogger Bird Shit and Baby Caca said...

I don't think you are reading in to it too much. Go w/ your gut instinct, if something is telling you this guy is blowing you off, then stay away.

January 16, 2009 at 12:28 PM  
Anonymous Giggle Pixie said...

Well, I could be way off base here (wouldn't be the first time!) but maybe he was just saying he wouldn't have a whole lot of time or access to a computer to be chatting with you for a bit. Maybe he's still figuring out where he's going to stay when he moves, and he knows when he leaves he's going to need to devote alot of extra time to the kids (not to mention all the time involved in a relocation). I wouldn't read too much into anything at this point. He's just got a lot on his plate and his family still needs to come before a friend.

And if it was a brush-off, he's just an ass and not a very good friend anyway. :-)

Oh! I changed my theme so maybe it will work better for you now (I hope!). Come visit when you get a chance!

January 16, 2009 at 12:30 PM  
Blogger Billychic said...

Oh, I do LOVE you!!!
This was such a good post. I've been divorced twice...and didn't have any children.

The last breakup with a BF though, that really fucked with my head. Interesting how sometimes other people can twist how you even perceive yourself...not matter how strong your self esteem may be (or not)?

Love - see you on OW

January 16, 2009 at 1:48 PM  
Blogger Tug said...

My gut is rarely wrong...how is yours?

I did learn LONG ago to stay away from married men, and when I've temporarily forgotten & thought 'OK, he's divorcing, this is all right'? Nope, I'm reminded again.

January 16, 2009 at 2:16 PM  
Blogger Charlie said...

1. I totally agree with honeywine's assessment (except for #3 below).

2. I totally agree with you that hanging around for the kids' sake fucks the kids up--especially when there is addictions or physical violence involved.

3. Even though I'm male (see my pitchure?), I think most men are assholes. You know which part of the anatomy they think with, and it ain't the gray jelly in their brainpans.

January 16, 2009 at 2:51 PM  
Blogger WavyDavy said...

Oh, God, it's not Adam is it?

January 20, 2009 at 3:10 PM  
Blogger Koolio said...

Dave, I'm certain you can see the finger I'm extending in your direction right this very minute! NO it's NOT Adam! EW!!!!

January 20, 2009 at 3:27 PM  

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