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Friday, December 19, 2008

your thoughts are important to me

I wanted to ask your opinions on what I consider a very important topic.

I was speaking with a friend of mine about the problems in my family and she strongly suggested I not take the trip next week to visit with my family. Knowing that there is tension among all members, she thinks it would not be in my best interest to go when I already know that my sister will probably put me in such a position, where I will have no other choice but to cut my visit short and leave. While I've already decided that I no longer want a relationship with my sister, it will be a very complicated and awkward situation should I arrive and she acts like everything's good between us because I don't want her thinking for one minute that things are fine and, at the same time, I don't want to make the situation bad for anyone else, especially my children.

After listening to my friend's thoughts, I felt it would be in my best interest to share my thoughts with my parents prior to the trip so they are not surprised by anything that may occur during it. As they have in the past, I will expect them to respond to me in a harsh manner and they will try to control the situation by treating me as if I'm a young child who can't make her own decisions for herself, but at least I know that they've heard what I've had to say.

So here's the Email note I've worked up, I would like everyone to voice their thoughts and if you see anything that can be improved upon, to contribute there as well.

Dear Mom and Dad,

Something has been weighing on my mind for some time now that I felt necessary to share with both of you before making the trip down to see you next week.

As you are both probably aware, L. and I have not spoken since August. This note is not about how I feel she behaved while visiting here because what's happened happened, it's in the past and it should just stay there. What this is about, and I've given this a lot of thought since my accident, is that I've decided that it's not in my best interest to continue a relationship with her from this point on. I'm sure this is not something you care to hear but I'm old enough to know when I think a relationship is toxic and unhealthy for me and the relationship she and I have has always been more negative than positive.

I wanted to share my thoughts with you now because I didn't want to spring it on any of you when we arrived, but I thought you should know that I have no interest in interacting with her during our visit. While I realize that this may make for some awkwardness, if L. and I can agree separately to be at best civil with one another and understand ahead of time that that's as far as our relationship will go and no amends between us need to be made, then I think our visit will go smoothly.

If your choice is not to accept or understand my position, then the only suggestion I can make is that we not visit. I think it also important to mention at this time, that because of what transpired here in August, L. is no longer welcome here. I'm not saying that to anger you, just to help you understand that the only time you will probably get to see the kids with L. around is at your home so we all can choose to make the best of the situation or not see each other.

I'm truly sorry it has come to this but I'm no longer willing to pretend that everything is fine when it's not.

I'm not sure if I should end it there, say more or say less. I think the above really says it all without going into too much detail but I know from my own experiences, that sometimes when someone's removed from a situation they can see things more clearly than those involved so that's where y'all come in.

For those of you who think I should just suck it up, go and pretend to be a loving sister, that is no longer an option. I've walked on eggshells for years around my sister and I have the scars on my tongue as proof of my biting my tongue all too often whenever we're around her! It's just not worth it to me anymore, I'm not willing to look past what's happened this time and my parents need to be made aware of how I feel. Whether or not they like me, respect me or hate me for it is a totally different matter but they need to understand this was not something I was going to sweep under the rug and hope it will be forgotten which is how they have always preferred handling such tense matters.

Okay...let me have it!



Blogger Tug said...

I wouldn't do an e-mail at all, that, to me, puts your parents in an awkward position between their kids in a way. Go visit, do what you need to do (be civil), & come home. What she thinks shouldn't matter if she's no longer a part of your life.

Good luck!

December 19, 2008 at 9:24 PM  
Blogger WavyDavy said...

I have to agree with Tug. I wouldn't do the email either. Go for your parents, and more importantly, your kids. Find your "happy place" and ignore your sister as best you can. From everything you've said before, I don't really believe that your sister will agree to be civil and then actually follow through with it. I realize she pushes your buttons, but no matter how hard she pushes don't let her get the satisfaction of getting to you. Don't you think it will just infuriate her more if you take the high ground. Don't take the bait. I guess it's easier said than done though, right?

December 20, 2008 at 7:44 AM  
Blogger Charlie said...

I'll make it three as far as not sending the email, mainly because I wouldn't go in the first place.

The "holidays", be they Christian, Jewish, or Martian, are supposed to be about family togetherness, reminiscing about the good old days, and roasting nuts over an open fire. Somehow, I don't believe that your experience will be like that.

You are an adult woman whose best interests are with you and your children. You run your life and you make your own decisions, either good or bad, and mommy and daddy are no longer in charge.

I agree with Wavy about your sister: from you descriptions of the past, I don't think she can hold her piece (har) for the length of you visit.

My opinion, then, is save yourself all the time, trouble, and especially nerves and stay home. Celebrate with your real family, the ones who love you—your kids.

December 20, 2008 at 8:42 PM  

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