my bailout advice for the car manufacturers

Dear GM, Ford and Chrysler,

Well, it seems like you've gone and fucked things up pretty good for yourselves, haven't you?! No worries, all is not lost. Just follow my simple advice and you'll be able to pick your sorry asses back off on the ground in no time at all!

First, get rid of all upper management. Afterall, their demands to be overpaid is what got you into this mess in the first place. The money they get paid with could go towards rewarding the assembly workers who should be paid more since it's their hard work that gets those cars off the lines and onto lots.

Take your three top sellers and stop production on everything else. Yes, everything else. You're not making money with super, futuristic, pimped-out sports cars taking up space and collecting dust on your lots. Sure people all want the latest and greatest with all the eco-friendly bells and whistles but in a recession, you'll find few people willing to spend the money with the jacked-up prices you charge. Instead of wasting your employees' time cranking out such cars and the sales people wasting time trying to push the cars on potential customers, put such cars on the back-burner until the economy picks up again.

No. Sports. Cars. No, I didn't stutter! Sure, it's fun to oodle a sports car racing down the road and the insurance companies love sports cars because the premiums are higher on them, but the big sellers these days are family cars. Besides, the drug dealers you're hoping will dish out their tainted cash for one of your sleek sporty models are more interested in souping up the classic sedans from the '80s that are as big as boats, with the shocks that cause motion sickness and eye-catching, glossy, two-toned irredescent paint. And really now, the only people truly interested in sports cars are the Grandma and Grandpa Waltons of the world who think driving a sporty car will make them look younger. Sorry, it just pisses the rest of us off when we're stuck behind an old geezer driving one of your mega horse-powered vehicles while going 5 mph. In the left-hand passing lane. Rrrrrrrrrr.

Stop advertising. You might as well just flush the money down the toilet for the expense of TV and radio spots as well as print advertising. Trust me, I was in radio sales, I know what I'm talking about. Your biggest advertisement is the car itself. That does all the talking. People who want a particular car do so after observing it in action in the lane next to them, not while watching it being driven in wet conditions along a beautiful yet strangely abandoned scenic highway somewhere in a mountain setting that they never actually see with their own eyes because it doesn't seem to really exist, from their living room chairs.

Follow these very simple rules and I assure you, business will pick up and you will be pleasantly surprised. Or perhaps you find the idea of waiting behind some scuzzbucket in the unemployment line more appealing?!

Sincerely,

Someone who already has a fairly new family car but who feels like forcing her bitchiness onto other people