later, bitches!

I'm just gonna' lay it out for y'all...

I'm kinda' blogged out right now. My kids are off at overnight camp and I'm sitting here twiddling my thumbs! I took a few days off and now it's time to get some things done around here that have been on hold for awhile and none of them include blogging.

I'm probably taking the summer off from blogging and when I return, it may be a new and improved blog. Or not. I haven't quite decided.

I will still be around to visit your blogs but for now, my complaints are too few to speak of (I know, can you believe it?!) so I hope y'all enjoy your summers and I'll 'see' you soon!

Y2K 2009

So today was the day for 'the big switch' - TV, from analog to digital. The local news was making a big to-do about it. Like it was the biggest news since...since...well, since sliced fucking bread.

So I waited. And at 8am, a message appeared on my screen that read that the station was ending their broadcast in analog.

And then...

A blank screen.

OMFG.

And I have cable too! They claimed those of us with cable wouldn't notice a change!!

About 30 seconds later, a picture came into focus with the message that the station was commencing broadcasting in digital.

Phew!

And then...?

The picture started going bonkers!

LOL!!!

It corrected itself within a few seconds but I gotta' tell you, this was worse than that whole Y2K bullshit in 2000. They made a huge production over that, warning people of power outages, updating computers and all that other nonsense, and it turned out to be a major disappointment! I mean, raise your hand if you too were hoping for major looting and gang violence in your area?!

Enjoy your digital, yo, and have a wonderful weekend!

a little hung up on this one

Every so often, I talk about this girl. We went to high school together and she's an up-and-coming actress. Although after what I saw the other night, I think she's an up-and-cumming actress. Allow me to explain.

Every now and then, I get a message from her dad updating us on her newest projects. She's done commercials, had bit parts on soap operas, done some jobs on and off Broadway, has been in several TV drama and comedy series, her latest playing the mother in the new Jonas Brother's show on Disney.

So I'm flipping through channels the other night and I see a preview for the new HBO series Hung.

And there she is.

The first time I thought I was seeing things but when they showed her again, I couldn't believe it.

She's going to be in a show about a man who has a big pecker and prostitutes himself.

WTF?!?!? I didn't get an Email update about this!!!

But wait...

How do you tell your dad that you're gonna' be acting in a role where you're having sex with a man who has a super duper schlong?! And taking your clothes off?! Would you tell your parents?! I sure as hell wouldn't tell mine!

Hmmm...something tells me her dad doesn't know about this one. And something tells me that it's not gonna' be long (pun intended) before he finds out!

If you get HBO, she'll be on the second episode (July 5th, I believe) entitled Great Sausage. Her character's name is Lorena. Hopefully, she won't Bobbitt off his great sausage. Heh.

a little too much info'mation

I was tossing and turning early this morning, ya' know, like every other morning, when I opened my eyes, looked at the TV and saw the ShamWow guy. Only he wasn't excitingly regurgitating information about ShamWow, it was for something called Slap Chop, a little plastic device that when you slam your hand down on it a few times, it can chop and dice anything you can think of.

So he's chopping away - potatoes, fruit, your grandma's little finger (just wanted to make sure you're paying attention) - and he suddenly says...

"Oh, you're gonna' love my nuts!"

*blank stare*

Yeah, he proceeded to chop up some nuts but for a brief moment, the tone in his voice made me think that he was actually gonna' whip out his balls and wave 'em at the screen. I mean, I believed him about the Shamwow and wasted $20 on them only to discover that they move liquid around really well but don't soak it up the way he claims they do so why wouldn't I believe that he would yank those babies outta' his pants?!

This is the only up-side to not sleeping well. You get to see all the crap trying to be sold on TV in the wee hours of the morning.

two musts and a must not

Guilty pleasures. We all have 'em.

Mine is vulgarity. If a show I'm watching doesn't have some degree of cursing, I find myself disappointed. When some TV shows (think the ground-breaking show, NYPD Blue) were given the OK to have their actors curse, I almost creamed in my pants.

That brings me to two recommendations. I have been seeing previews for Nurse Jackie on Showtime and just a little while ago, I was able to watch the first episode on ONDemand. It is a must see. Edie Falco is awesome as a saint-like, pain-killer addicted, foul-mouthed hussy nurse who doesn't tolerate shit from anyone. When it airs on June 8th, you must see it. And if you don't have Showtime, hunt someone down who does, even hold them at gunpoint if you have to, just so that you won't miss seeing this show.
If you like raunch like I like raunch, what better movie could I recommend to y'all but Zack and Miri Make a Porno?! Anything with actor Seth Rogen is a must see. I can't even tell you a thing about it without giving anything away (yeah, obviously they make a porno! DUH!), but if you can tolerate people using obscenities like they're going outta' style, rent it!

The last is a must not and has nothing to do with films. This requires me to tell you a bit of history.

I don't know when exactly that it happened but over the years I've become quite the little purse whore. I have a stash of mostly designer purses that Paris Hilton would be proud of. Okay, that's a stretch! Of course, I know my limits and I never have nor would I ever purchase a purse for thousands of dollars. I'm actually quite thrifty and can track down designer accessories for pennies.

This brings me to tell y'all of my latest find. While stopping by TJ Maxx yesterday to pick up a large duffel bag to hold my daughter's camp belongings, I noticed designer purses hanging on their racks. And when I mean designer, I mean $300-$400 numbers on sale for, like, $40!!! So if you're weak like me, do not under any circumstances step foot near your local TJ Maxx store!

And if you're wondering, yes, I bought a bag. A bag that as I was checking out realized that not only didn't need but that it was a rather fugly bag and I have plans to return it next time I'm in that area of town! Whatever made me think a bag in the color of Pepto Bismal mixed with one's gastric juices was attractive, is beyond me! I'm guessing my momentary lapse in good judgment was from the bag-asm I had when I saw such discounted prices!

friends who play nicely together

The person who shall not be mentioned here is being nice to me. Don't be too shocked, it won't last long, I'm sure.

He knew I wasn't pleased with my cell phone so he bought me a Motorola flip-top, ordinarily a $200 phone, through his work for $15.00. He was told it had a new battery but it didn't so on Saturday I stopped by the store to get a new one.

On a Saturday, probably the busiest day of the week for most if not all businesses, there were three customer service reps and one of them took off to take his lunch break. And then there were two. Just call me Agatha Christie. Heh.

Needless to say, there were more customers that customer service reps and the number was growing. A friend of mine walked in. We got to chatting and during our chat, I coughed a juicy-sounding allergy cough. Here's the conversation:

Friend: Wow, you don't sound so good, are you okay?

I looked up to see her left eye winking at me at light speed. It took me a moment to realize she didn't have a twitch, then I forced myself to cough again.

Me: Yeah, I haven't been feeling so hot since I got back from Mexico.

Then I let out a huge 'hack' just for effect.

The reaction on some of the other customers' faces was priceless. A woman with her two young children couldn't get outta' the store fast enough. A few other people left as well. A woman told me it was an Oscar-worthy performance. The manager of the store said something to me to let me know he was annoyed that I cost him business. My response?

The last few phones your people have sold me have been crap so you're just lucky I'M still a customer. And I wouldn't be so quick to blame your customers for lack of business. I've seen plenty of people come and go since I've been here all because on the busiest day of the week, you decided that only three customer service people would be sufficient in helping a Saturday crowd. All of these desks should be filled with people being assisted. And what do you keep doing? You keep going back and forth between here and that closed door when you should be out here helping your employees. But no worries, I'll make sure that corporate knows how you treat your customers.

With that, he stormed off to that room behind the closed door...the walls are probably covered in kiddy porn. Just sayin'.

may you say?!

Hard to believe it's already May! Hard to believe I'm up at 3am. Okay, no it's not.

Once again, I've been running around like a chicken without a head. Yesterday was frookin' nuts, I tell you! And the funny thing is, I can't remember half the shit I did.

No seriously, I think my brain is starting to turn to sludge.

I really don't have much to tell you. It's been a crazy week. I'm not gonna' get into stories like my son having to recite Shakespeare in his Language Arts class the other day and how I helped him get an A by showing him the right hand gestures and body movements to use, or my daughter winning a cake at school as a result of donating money to the 5th grade who was collecting for cancer and then her winning a cake for her donation in a raffle, (which she is proudly serving her dad tonight for his birthday) or her complaining last week about not being able to see the board clearly at school, getting an eye exam a few days ago and finding out she did, in fact, need reading glasses. I'm not gonna' tell you any of that. Heh.

Because honestly, that doesn't make for good blog reading. Shit, I'm falling asleep just thinking about all that. And then again, it could be 'cause it's 3-something in the frickin' morning.

No, I just wanted to wish y'all a Happy May! In 28 days, my kids will be getting out of school. Where does the time go?!

trying to make funny outta' not so much

Did anyone understand that title?! 'Cause I was trying to be clever but with a brain that shuts down promptly at 5pm (when I started to write this), clever doesn't always work. Anyway, onto the post.

My son's baseball coach sent out an Email the other day that yesterday's game was rescheduled for 4pm because it was more convenient for the officials. Fine. Whatever. Bring on the peanuts, the popcorn the cracker...oh, nevermind.

So we're all there waiting at the field. And waiting. And, yep! You guessed it! Waiting. No officials. At 4:15, the three coaches on our sons' team were huddled together on the field, whispering. Turns out that the dipshits who run the field never bothered to tell the officials that 4pm was a more convenient time for them to officiate the game. Gotta' love the dumbasses of our world!

The coaches decided that they were going to wait another five minutes and they would call the game. "Great!" I exclaimed, "Call the game!". I was eager to get home and clean before my cleaning girl comes today. Heh.

One of the other mothers looked at me and said, "No. He means they'll call the game.".

Oh. Fuck.

So I yelled out to the coach that I could ref but, of course, it would be in our favor. He liked that idea. Then some of the other parents started calling out what they could do to help and I said "Oh fine. I'm Jewish, I'll just sit here and complain.". For some odd reason, *wink* people liked that one.

I am Jewish, by the way. And, in case you haven't already noticed, I complain. A lot.

Needless to say, most of us parents were a bit annoyed at the people who run the field. And not only did the officials not show up but they never opened the concession stand and if you think I complain, you should be around my daughter when she's starving. Non-freakin-stop. I had to leave the field at one point just to make a Mickey D.'s run.

With bad weather putting a bit of a damper on the season, it's been a long one. Our kids have put forth their best effort and we've closed in at times but we've only won two games so far, yesterday being one of them. Well, when the Bad News Bears play the Worse News Bears, how could we not beat the team?!

It was sad, actually. I felt pretty bad for the other team. I started channeling Tanner Boyle from tthe Bad News Bears movies and felt compelled to scream out "booger eatin' moron" a few times but restrained myself. Even though there have been times where our boys have been pretty sloppy on the field at least the other teams can't say we don't give them a run for their money. This team we played yesterday gave up before they even came up to bat.

Anyway, the game dragged on. We made some pretty decent plays, one of which was by my son, thankyouverymuch! We finally mercied the other team, 9-0 and could leave.

As much as I love watching the kids play ball, that was truly the most uninteresting game I've ever seen!

almost feelin' groovy

Aside from a pinched thingamabob between my shoulder blades that is uncomfortable yet tolerable, I am having a really good day.

For one, I finally got rid of my POS McAfee Internet security. After years of disappointment but unable to find anything decent, I renewed McAfee earlier this month but my account hadn't reflected the change. It was still warning me every day that my subscription was about to expire and it was really irritating the fuck outta' me. Last week, I contacted those assholes and told them to help me figure it out. Punjab wrote me back, instructing me to uninstall and reinstall the products I had renewed. Fucking Punjab. If I ever get the opportunity to meet Punjab in a cold, dark alley...well, for his sake, I hope I'm not PMSing.

Today was the day. I had two days left before everything went up Shit's Creek and my entire life would be exposed to the shit-for-brain hackers out there. As instructed, I uninstalled and reinstalled McAfee. Twice. Nothing happened. It wouldn't install.

Instead of wasting my time contacting their tech support, who may or may not have known their elbows from their assholes and I wasn't the least bit interested in finding out one way or the other, I remembered that when I took my son's computer in for fixing a few months ago, that the guy at the mom-and-pop place downloaded a very reputable and FREE security software to his computer so I Googled, located the site and it took almost the entire day to download it since I still use dial-up (shut up) but it's done and, as a result, my Firefox, which had become completely squirrely in the past year, corrected itself and now works properly!

In the immortal words of Bruce Willis in the Die Hard movies...YIPPEEKAIYAY, MOTHEFUCKERS!!!!

In other groovy news, recently, a fellow-blogger trusted me enough to send me a manuscript, his memoirs, if you will. In just a few days, I finished it and I was blown away by it. It was unlike anything I've ever read. He is one of the most creative writers I have ever had the pleasure and privilege of reading. As I wrote to him in an Email, it was hysterically funny in some parts and overwelmingly emotional in others. Honest doesn't even begin to describe it. Unfortunately, he told me that it was very close to getting published but then things fell through. I have been doing my best to be annoyingly persistent with him so that he will look into trying to get it published again but I'm not sure what he'll do. Hopefully someday each of you will be fortunate enough to read his words as well.

I received my Nike Air Rift sneakers in the mail today. That may not mean shit to y'all, but I'm happy!

Oh yeah, IT'S FRIDAY! Hope it was happy for y'all!

ya' know what sucks?

Waking up in the morning and being annoyed with some of you bloggers. Yes, YOU! Not all of you, just some of you. And being annoyed with people I don't even know but nevertheless, yes, annoyed.

Why? Well, every so often I mention on here how sorry I am that I haven't been able to get to your blogs and that I will read them when I can find time to come up from air. Apparently, some of you out there don't believe me when I tell you that being a single, full-time mom is hard work. I've been busy. Super busy, in fact. I was on the go for weeks before my kids went on spring break, then they were away with their dad for their break and while I did get some downtime, I also worked on several projects that I'd had on my TO DO list for some time, some being on there for over a year. So not even then did I get a chance to read any blogs.

Then my kids came home from spring break and their sports started right back up and I had to take my daughter to a Twilight party when the DVD was released because, as you may know, Twilight has a huge cult following and my daughter is one of their newest members. If I ever see her with her eyes all glazed over and handing out flowers on a street corner, I'll kill her...but forgive me for going off on a small tangent.

So I bought a bunch of Twilight crap, over-priced shit I promised I wouldn't buy, all in the name of love I guess, came home and was told that I will now redecorate her room with a Twilight theme. Well fuck me!! With all due respect to my daughter, when I repainted her room a few years ago, a theme was never included so I'm more than happy to oblige.

Then, on top of everything else, I made the poor choice of fucking around with my blog and now everything is wonky. Too many fonts, some that shouldn't even be there. Don't ask me to explain, I'm sure y'all can see for yourselves.

In any case, there are some of you out there who decided to choose shitty templates for your blogs where not all of us can read dark print on dark backgrounds because we've been wearing glasses since the age of 3 and/or don't have super-human X-ray vision. Or something like that. And out of courtesy I mentioned that to you, you know who you are, but you still remove me from your links because I haven't visited your blog lately. HAVE YOU VISITED MINE??????? Then there are those whose blogs take forever and a day to load and who the fuck has the time for that?! I have pee to wipe, children to chauffeur (or however the fuck you spell that word), air to breathe and a shitload of Facebooking to take care of! In the immortal words of Napoleon Dynamite...GOD!!!

So here I am getting all perturbed over strangers. Stupid, yes I know. But as I'm visiting your blogs, I'm finding too many of you have already given up on me and have deleted me from your links and while it's certainly your choice to do that, I think it's rude. Does all that free advertising you provide of others' blogs take up so much space that you have to make room for those people who hang on your every word and ' lol' at everything you say? I realize I haven't been the best blogging friend but I don't feel like I need to offer anyone excuses/reasons as to why I haven't been to "see" you. So in any case, don't be too surprised if you visit me and find yourself among the deleted here. I don't provide free advertising for those of you who don't reciprocate. Just sayin'.

And to those of you who haven't yet given up on me, thank you.

the emergency broadcast system...on crack

"This is the Emergency Broadcast System. In case of an actual emergency, Koolio would have taken her son's baseball bat to the fucking TV set."

Rrrrrrrr.

Remember when we were younger and the EBS gave us those monthly required tests? Usually during that one scene of a program we didn't want to miss?!

I'm not sure how it is where y'all live, but here we have weekly tests. With that bright green screen and the incessant beeping that is just begging to trigger one of my outstanding, throbbing migraines.

Only this morning it was different.

The screen was black and it read that it was a monthly required test.

And then there was another monthly required test a few minutes later. I thought maybe I had an alcohol-induced black out, minus the alcohol, and during that time a whole month had passed but when a weekly required test started beeping at me a few minutes later, I knew something was squirrely.

So far this morning, there has been one weekly required test and about a bazillion monthly required tests. With the new colored screen. I guess black must be the new green. The beeping, however, is still obnoxious only toned down a notch. Motherfuckers couldn't change it to Mozart? Or Jimmy Hendrix?! For the love of Pete (not to disrespect Pete, whomever he may be), I would have even taken Britney Spears whining her way through Womanizer!

And someone please explain to me why Schwartz's fur smells like Doritos?!?!??!

serenaded by the pizza man

Several years ago, the kids and I found a mom-and-pop pizza place that we immediately took to. For awhile, we had great pizza and equally as good service. The delivery guys knew us by name, we were such good customers! Unfortunately, the service started going into the shitter just this past year.

After a few times when the delivery guys showed up minus something we ordered, I started getting annoyed. The last time we ordered from them, about two months ago, the 45 minute wait time we were given turned into an hour and a half and after numerous calls inquiring about our order and no offers of compensation for my children starving for having to wait and then the delivery guy showing up again without something we ordered, I handed the food back to him and told him I was taking my business elsewhere. I told him I didn't necessarily blame him but I was tired of the people taking my order being forgetful and neglecting to put in our entire order. I mean I'm sorry people, but I don't care how hard the restaurant business may be, if you keep fucking up someone's order, then chances are you shouldn't be answering the phone and taking the damn orders!

I thought that I would hear from the owners soon after, apologizing for their fuck-ups and begging us to stay customers. That never happened. Until today.

One of the owners inquired about us yesterday seeing that we hadn't used their services in awhile and our regular delivery guy told him what happened. The owner was mortified and called me first thing today to apologize and that from now on, should I choose to use their services again, he would personally take our order and deliver it if he had to. On top of that, he offered freebies for several months! Not sure I want to go back to them but saying 'no' is difficult especially when my kids love their food!

While talking with this guy, I walked to the front door as I noticed and strange and peculiar odor which turned out to be Schwartz leaving me a rather wet and messy "gift" on my front door mat (which was immediately tossed in the nearest garbage bag, I might add) and the owner said something that caught my attention..."I'll deliver it myself 'cause I know where you live.".

Moments later, the conversation ended and the roar of an engine caught my attention - it was the owner pulling out of my driveway!

I can't seem to get "I know where you live." out of my head!

I'm afraid that he'll put something poisonous in my pizza next time we meet. I think I'll call this slasher film The Pepperoni Man. Heh.

damn you, Nicholas Sparks! DAMN YOU!!!!

I like to read.

I like pumpkin pie too but there's a point to this post.

Even though I'm somewhat of a sucker for chick flicks, I don't always show my romantic side in person. I do find romantic inspiration in books.

I cried when Edward left Bella in book 2 of the Twilight series. If you didn't read it, you won't get that. And if you did read it and didn't like it, go poo up a rope.

Anyway, a few months ago, I finally took the plunge and saw the movie I'd heard so much about, The Notebook based on Nicholas Sparks' book by the same name. I am not afraid to admit that I cried. I probably would have cried more had I read the book, but there are only so many tears I allow myself to shed in a certain period of time. *wink*

So when I was in Target a few weeks ago, having just finished a book and needed more reading material, I didn't hesitate to purchase The Choice by Nicholas Sparks.

*heavy sigh*

I can't say much more than that without giving away the story so if you haven't read it yet, go to your nearest bookstore immediately. Do not pass GO, do not collect $200, blah blah blah, just get the fucking book, will ya'?!

a timely fashion

Hypothetical situation (or not)...

You have a friend who you've been trying to contact for several days to no avail. You say to yourself "Okay, I'll try to contact her one more time before she can kiss my ass and then I'm gonna' blog nasty things about her!" and that very night, you hear through a mutual friend that this friend's mother has just passed away, the friend wanted me to know and you are told that the friend would call you the following week.

The very next day, you run right out, pick up a sympathy card, write some very sweet and personal sentiments in it and mail it. You want to talk to your friend to see how she's doing but you decide it's best to respect her wishes and wait for her to call you. So you wait.

And wait.

And wait.

Considering that her parents live in a lovely cottage on her property, you assume she's spending a lot more time with her dad these days so you cut her a break. You understand that you have never been in her position so you don't know how you would react to other's graciousness, although you were brought up right and would have probably thanked everyone as soon as they extended their sympathies and/or offered to assist in any way.

The question for all of you is, how long are you supposed to wait until you start considering your friend a rude bitch and write the friendship off?! Do you give her the benefit of the doubt and realize that everyone is different and she will get to you in due time? And what do you consider 'due time' - a week, two weeks, a month? Or do you consider her silence as a hint that she doesn't consider you a good enough friend to even bother and she'll get to you when the spirit moves her to do so?! Or do you say to yourself "Fuck that whole respect shit!" and pick up the phone to call her?!

Death is hard, I understand that but WTF?!?

back and forth

The past few days have been a little better where Jasper's concerned.

He's still exhibiting some aggressive behavior with Schwartz (three attacks yesterday) but he's generally sweet and when they play nicely, boy, do they really enjoy each other!

He's become easier to keep on a bathroom schedule. In the past three days, he's been peeing in the pinestraw or at least near the pinestraw. He knows that he gets one decent walk in the morning and one in the evening and he knows as soon as he's done "unloading", that it's time to go home. I want to get him really situated with that habit before I start taking him on longer walks as treats.

And that won't happen until he stops. pooping. in. the. house.

That is still a bit frustrating although I dealt with the same shit, no pun intended, with Schwartz when we first got him too. He'd do really well with house training, poop in the house and then it would feel like it was two steps back.

Let's just put it this way...Jasper and I are definitely learning from each other.

Take last night for instance...despite the fact that Jasper hadn't finished his food, I didn't take the bowl away. Most of the time, if the dogs haven't finished their food by a certain time, I take it away so that they won't have the need to be taken out in the middle of the night. Last night I flubbed. I saw that he hadn't finished, the kids and I got preoccupied cuddling by a nice toasty fire and the next time I looked, the food was gone from his bowl. I knew that meant he would need an extra walk, which I obliged, and of course, a bit frustrated by the end of the walk that he had not done his bu'ness. That meant one thing...I knew I would find a little gift waiting for me this morning.

Turns out that little gift wasn't so little! It was once again in that same exact spot on my wood floor. He turned away as I cleaned it up. I'm not sure if that's out of guilt or if he's laughing at me! Probably a little of both. Clearly, he knows it's wrong or he'd be right there by my side, tail wagging. I suppose I should be thankful that he's leaving it in plain sight unlike Schwartz who occasionally poops on the upstairs landing and we can only sense it by its distinct scent. ICK.

Since I can see that Jasper's making progress, today I will keep him. Tomorrow could be another story. *wink*

On another note...GO STEELERS!!!

introducing...

JASPER

With a face like this, how could I possibly stay mad at him?!

(By the way, he peed in the pinestraw this morning!)

more a little bit of this and a little bit of that

I forgot to mention the other day that Schwartz's hair loss condition was finally diagnosed. He has bilateral flank alopecia. It tends to be a seasonal allergy, usually from September (which is when we first saw signs of hair loss) to March. A good part of the time the dog regrows its fur but sometimes, the dog doesn't regrow it at all which would really be ashame but nothing we can do about it if that's the case with Schwartz. You can read more about it at your leisure, but basically it is caused by a lack of sunlight which completely throws me because with all the walks I take him on and all the sunny days we have here, he should not be suffering from this. And when I say "suffering", I use that word because I know of no other word to use. He's not suffering per se because he's not affected by it other than having exposed skin that can be sensitive to colder weather conditions but he's not itchy nor has he ever been. In any case, he is on the recommended medication for this medical condition and we'll see where it takes him.

I regret to inform y'all, but adopting Jasper is turning out to be a huge regret as he's become a very selfish dog. Aside from showing a jealous side when it comes to Schwartz, he has decided that we're going to conform to his bathroom habits instead of him conforming to the schedule that works well for us. Allow me to further explain...

About ten feet from my front door is a pinestraw flower bed. I've trained Schwartz to go to the bathroom there so he doesn't burn my grass into oblivion. Schwartz wakes up, goes to the bathroom where he should and all is wonderful. For the first few days we had Jasper, he followed Schwartz's lead and at least peed in this flower bed, but once I started taking him on long walks, he started refusing to go in the flower bed. He'll stand there, watch Schwartz and then look at me as if to say "Take me on my fucking walk, bitch!".

I have been taking Jasper on daily walks, sometimes up to three times/day depending on his food intake. He and I have both enjoyed the walks but he has now grown too accustomed to them, that he wants them at all times of day including first thing in the morning. His stubbornness is truly irritating. I'm a stubborn woman with two stubborn children, I will not deal with a stubborn dog, too! We have this walking/jogging path throughout our community and he has decided that the path is his one and only pit stop. In the first few days we had him, he would mark every leaf, branch and blade of grass and even poop a few times as we walked up and down my street. Now, I can walk him up and down my street for 20 minutes and he absolutely refuses to do his business on anyone's lawn.

This morning was the first and last time that I will leave my kids alone in the house at 5am to walk him, I simply refuse to do it. It's bad enough that they came home last night with their dad and had to let themselves in because I was on a late night walk with Jasper and then, upon returning home, found them waiting by the front door because they were afraid to be in the house by themselves. With my luck, I would be out at 5am and my kids would wake up looking for me. As much as I love my pets, I'm not doing that for any animal.

A few days ago, and this is only what I believe to have happened, Jasper got into Schwartz's food bowl which is where I put his medication. Schwartz is used to being on medication for one thing or another so it doesn't affect his digestive system. Unfortunately, it is greatly affecting Jasper's and for the past few days he has done little eating and has had many bouts of diarrhea. He is not in any physical danger and this will eventually pass, but he has crapped out mounds at least four times on my bathroom tile floor and has nearly ruined the carpet in my family room. The other night, I woke up to a heap of shit in my bathroom, cleaned it up, went back to bed and woke up in the morning to rinse, lather, repeat all over the bathroom floor again. As much as I hate the crate, I've decided that it's time to train him. I gave him too much freedom in too short a time by allowing him to roam free while we're away from the house whereas Schwartz had to earn that trust, so now Jasper will have to earn it as well because my house is not a toilet nor will I allow Jasper to think it is.

All I can say, is thank God for this little guy! It's greatest feature is that it has a self-cleaning option in which you can set it on a spot, leave it for the six minute-cycle, come back and the stain iand smell are gone. Life fucking Houdini, man! It definitely was worth the price and has probably already paid for itself in just one day of use! My family room carpet is far from looking perfect but it certainly looks better than having smeared shit stains all over the place. I would have taken a picture for y'all's viewing pleasure but you probably wouldn't have eaten for the next month. Blech!

So Tough Love has been activated! If Jasper does his business in the house, accident or not, in the crate he goes. And before any of you animal-lovers and/or activists out there dare scream at me that the crate should not be used for punishment, I am not punishing him, I am training him as I mentioned above. I am not doing anything different than what I did with Schwartz and Schwartz learned with no emotional scarring that requires weekly dog therapy!

As for peeing outside, that is going to change with super lightning speed as well and it's a good thing that Jasper's a quick learner! As a single mother with twice the load of tasks to do than a married couple can share, I do not have the time to take him on 30-minute walks numerous times throughout the course of one day. I'm certain that he will learn rather quickly that early-mornings are reserved for the flowerbed and walks are for later on or he will have no choice but to learn how to hold "it" for longer periods of time.

The one good thing about the walks is that they have helped Jasper shed some weight. I know this not from weighing him but because I had to cut short a walk yesterday when he decided that chasing after a squirrel was a fabulous idea and he was able to wriggle out of his collar with ease. I've also enjoyed the walks but it's difficult at the same time because I cannot take both dogs out together. Schwartz prefers a leisurely stroll to Jasper's marathon run.

Another good thing is that Jasper and Schwartz are becoming more familiar with their play habits and Jasper's attacks on Schwartz have lessened.

I'll leave you with that positive thought and all I ask for is your prayers that my carpet will survive The Dog Shit Extravaganza of 2009!

i must be fucking mental!

*snort*

NOTE: If you haven't read the previous post to this one, please do so before reading this. If not, you will have no fucking clue what I'm talking about and will most likely viciously curse at me/your computer screen. I have enough shit going on lately that I really don't feel like coming over there and smacking you upside the head!

Anyway, this post was originally another pissy one about the Ice Princess but it's amazing what a good night sleep will do for a person. Even if I do have shit sleep habits and I'm only fortunate enough to have the occasional good night sleep, at least the few hours that I did sleep last night seemed to have paid off and I don't feel like the same evil bitch I felt I was last night!

Anyway, my curiosity got the better of me and after I posted my last blog entry, I checked my voicemail and sure enough, there was a message left by the IP.

She said that she was at the theater watching the same movie she's seen twenty times before (as I thought) and that she had accidentally left her phone turned on so when I returned the call, the ringing surprised her, she panicked and disconnected me. She left the theater to call me back and to apologize for disconnecting me, that she was turning off her phone for the remainder of the film (as if she'd actually miss something she hadn't seen twenty times before) and that she would talk to me tomorrow (today).

Ordinarily, I'd say something like "Don't do me any favors, biyotch." but ya' know what? It's a new year and I'm turning over a new leaf. No more being a spontaneous bitch to people unless it's an absolute emergency. *snicker* Of course that rule does not apply to my blog. *wink*

With all that said, I still think she's a fucking liar and a total shit for what she tried to pull with me. Just an hour before calling me last night to ask if I'd like to go to the movie, she sounded like she was at death's door, complaining of flu-like symptoms and assuring me she was ready to throw up her internal organs, her neighbor's internal organs and the internal organs of the man who mows her lawn. I'm sorry, unless you're going through withdrawal symptoms from heroine (not that I know firsthand but I do watch Intervention from time-to-time), the flu doesn't come and go like a passing fart on the wind. I may act like I don't know my asshole from my elbow sometimes but I do know when someone's trying to pull a fast one over on me.

Not only that, but it's also my opinion that if she had really wanted me to join them, she would have tried a little harder to get in touch, like calling me back on my house phone, and not called me moments before the movie was starting.

Here's my take on liars - if you feel the need to lie to someone, then you're not worth trusting, period. While I've enjoyed her friendship over the past few months, I'm not hard-up for friends, I don't need someone inviting me as an obvious courtesy rather than actually wanting me to be there and I'm certainly not going to be a third wheel so I doubt I will continue to offer her my friendship from this point on which, of course, is ashame but I just don't care to be played for a fool.

Even so, I Emailed her this morning apologizing for the message I left on her voicemail last night and even though she said we'd talk today, I bowed out of that as graciously as possible by telling her that I'm having severe issues with my phone and I'lll be in touch. I think the impersonal nature of the Email sends the message that while I'm apologizing, she's not important enough to me for me to directly chat with and it sends a clear message, in my opinion, that I'm leaving the ball in my court and I have no expectations of her calling me for anything from this point on. We'll see what transpires. For all I know she may actually make an effort to repair the damage done but I don't live by miracles so I'm not expecting any to occur.

I for one did my part to make the friendship work and as short-lived as it was, I'm certainly not putting forth the effort anymore. I think she's probably a genuinely nice person but there's something underneath that just doesn't sit well with me and when I don't feel comfortable with a person, I try to get them out of my life as quickly as possible.

did i say i sometimes hated people? my bad, i meant that sometimes i really fucking hated people!

Let me just give y'all a little disclaimer here...not only am I twitching and itching, getting ready to jump outta' my skin over something that happened this evening, but I'm close to receiving my monthly "bill" and that certainly hasn't helped matters at all. As with all my rants, when I'm this super pissed I tend to curse excessively so be prepared to bleach out your eye sockets when you're done reading! I also tend to rant for, like, forever, so if you don't like lengthy posts pass this one right by. If you do, then grab your beverage of choice and sit still for a few minutes.

Let's go back in time, shall we? October 29th, 2008 to be exact. My old cell phone was slowly but surely falling apart and I was tired of trying to listen people through white noise static. I went to my local cell phone provider, whom I've been a loyal customer of for the past twelve or so years, and explained my situation to them. As a long-time loyal customer, I was offered a free phone as has been the case numerous times in the past.

The phone I chose, as I have before, is a simple phone. I don't need a Blackberry or any other device that allows me to put on it my Last Will and Testament, access my Swiss bank accounts (yeah, don't I wish!), offer my latest dump measurements or add my newest gourmet recipes (like I can even cook!) nor do I need one that can shoot laser beams in all directions. Not that there's a phone that can actually shoot laser beams but that would be cool, wouldn't it?! Anyway, just give me a fucking phone that can save all my contacts and I'm a happy camper.

Well, let's just say that since early November 2008, this happy camper has been ready to don an old hockey mask, change her name to "Jason" and walk around killing off whomever dares come in close proximity.

My newest cell phone has never worked right. Almost right off the bat, people spoke like they were under water and I heard from more than one person how rude I was because I kept asking "What?" to every question asked. Did I build this fucking cell phone you turd nuggets?! I apologized anyway because that's what nice people do. Oh shut up, I am too nice!

Since October, I have also had a very weak signal inside my home. Because I am an ancient fart and still use dial-up for my computer, I require my cell phone at all times while my land line is tied up with the computer and I require that my cell phone actually works. So I waited and waited and last week I felt I had waited long enough. I went into the cell phone provider to tell them that my phone was a piece of crap (exact words) and that something needed to be done to resolve my cell phone issues.

Now, I can understand how that would come across...if I was the only one dealing with such a problem but there were two other people in the store at the exact same time with the exact same issues with their phones. And the people who worked there were less than helpful because no one really knew what the problem was or could be. Try a new SIM card? Sure, why not! Not quite sure what a SIM card would have to do with the weak signal inside my house but sure, I'll try anything at least once! *wink wink, nudge nudge*

They wouldn't give me a free phone because the phone was too new. Unfortunately, all the phones advertised as FREE were actually quite expensive and I wasn't about to dish out money for that kind of crazy shit! Last but not least, they took my name and address down and PROMISED that within the week, I would hear from a technician who would come out to my house to make sure it was not a cell tower issue in my area. Do you think I ever heard from that technician? I'm wondering if I'd held my breath if that would have helped the situation?! Or maybe I'd just be a dead, dissatisfied cell phone-user.

The latest and greatest to happen to this POS phone I have is that starting today, it no longer allows me to make out-going calls while I'm inside my house. Nope, all I get is that ear-piercing beeping in my ear followed by the ever-popular 'network busy' message flashing on my phone screen.

So I called the provider and basically told them "Fix my phone NOW or eat shit!". Well, fixing my fine right this very instant was not possible because, as far as I know, there is no way to teleport ourselves from here to there and make things better all in the matter of a minute. First, I let loose on a customer service TECH. Had I known that he was just a tech and couldn't help me with my account or any customer service issues, I wouldn't have wasted half my life telling him what was going on. And when I couldn't stand to hear him say for the umpteenth time "I completely understand how you feel.", I asked him to put me through to someone who would actually do something for me.

I wound up with Caroline who was so helpful, I would have reached through the phone and given her a sloppy wet kiss on her girly region had I been able to. She hooked me up with a brand new state-of-the-art cell phone FREE OF FUCKING CHARGE. Now how's THAT for service with a smile?! Of course I won't actually get to lay my hands on that phone 'til mid-week but I guess I can't expect Caroline to walk on water for me or change water into wine. She should be able to do just that but I guess I'll just settle for the free phone. *wink*

Then there's my kids' computer. *sigh* Does everyone remember that fiasco when school was in session, my son needed his computer for school work but neither of my kids happened to mention to me that their existing computer was shot to hell and I had to fork over the big bucks for a new one? Remember how easy a time I had with the purchase and the numerous issues that followed? Well, now there's yet another issue with it.

The other night, out of the clear blue, the browser stopped working. According to the phone company that I purchased the DSL from, they could see from their end that the Internet connection was working just fine but it seems that the wonderful security software I was encouraged to buy from salesperson A at Best Buy, claiming that it was the latest and greatest security software on the market, has allowed a virus in to fuck with the computer. Apparently, this phone company has seen this type of problem on numerous occasions before with this software. Now I have to take the computer back to Best Buy tomorrow so they can figure out the fucking problem and so that I can rip them a new asshole about being told that I was purchasing a great security software package that allows viruses in instead of keeping them out! Motherfuckers!! It will get resolved but nevertheless, another headache to be dealt with.

Last night my son had his fourth basketball game. His team has won all four of their games so far and are really proving to be a great team. But that's not why I'm pissed and this time it has to do with a person and not technology.

Back in the fall during my son's football season, I befriended this gal, another mother of a player. I had met her briefly last year through another friend and in the fall, we really became decent friends.

Lately, we've been doing some stuff together, the movies, drinks, etc.. However, last night something was wrong and the Ice Princess as I now have dubbed her, was completely foreign to me.

I took into consideration that her mother is currently dealing with some health issues and that she may have been preoccupied with that so I gave her the benefit of the doubt. That was after she climbed onto the bleachers on my side and walked across me to sit by the side of the friend I met her through. Kinda' rude if you ask me but these two are as thick as thieves so no big deal. We can't all have the strong, tight friendships we'd like to have.

The IP barely spoke to me, in fact, now that I look back on last night, she only spoke to me when I spoke to her. Never once did she initiate conversation with me. Not to make excuses for her but she did seem to be a little out of sorts and when I called her today to tell her that my daughter wanted to see "Twilight" again and asked if she'd care to join us (she's seen the movie about 20 times!), she said she had come down with something and it wasn't likely that she'd leave the house. She told me that our mutual friend, the one whom she sat beside at the game last night, was going and to call her but I bailed saying that my daughter was probably going to be tired from her soccer practice this evening, told her we'd do it another time and wished her well.

Not an hour later, I got a call on my cell phone from her cell phone. Yeah, she felt so sick that she was out and probably going to see that very movie with our mutual friend. I tried to call her back from my cell phone but, of course, I got my favorite 'network busy' message flashing it's evilness at me. I called her from my house phone and do you know the bitch hung up on me!

Now, I know the difference between an accidental disconnected call and someone hanging up, and that was a hang up. I thought I had gotten the wrong number but sure enough, when I checked, it was the right number and I called back. Do you know that fucking crusty cunt forwarded me to her voicemail?!

I called her house and left the following message on her voicemail...

IP, it is about 8:10 on Friday night. I saw that you tried to call me on my cell phone but, as you know, it's not working right and not only could I not hear you but when I tried to call you back several times from my cell phone it kept giving me a 'network busy' message, the newest of my problems with my phone. I tried calling you from my house phone but you hung up on me the first time and sent me to voicemail the second time. Not sure what I did to deserve that kind of treatment but nevertheless I'm not pleased with it. There really isn't a reason for you to return my call because such rude behavior towards me won't be tolerated.

- CLICK -

I don't know about you, but I'm fairly certain I made myself very clear.

Not two seconds later, my house phone rang and it was she. By that time, I was already logging onto my computer and its connection cut her off. I know I have a voicemail or at least a partial one, but chances are it will be deleted without being heard. As for her reaction to my voicemail? I always anticipate the worst and I always plan my comebacks well in advance just in case. I'm not sure I'll have to use them or even waste my time using them because at this point, I'm not even sure she's worth my friendship.

Yes, the latter is really what has gotten me into a tizzy this evening because, as in my last post, I am not deserving of this kind of treatment. I may sound like a royal fucking twathole on here but in real life, I can be such a great friend to people if they allow me.

With regards to my last post, thank you to all those who responded and offered me their opinions. I have always felt that those removed from a situation can always see things more clearly and I was glad to have received all of your well-thought-out responses.

HOWEVER...

Just a little while ago this evening, my phone rang and it was my long lost lusted-after friend whom I thought had blown me off like a human tumbleweed. He called to see how I was doing and to tell me details of what was going on. So I wanted y'all to see with your own eyes that I retract everything negative I said about him because as a few of you wrote, he's just dealing with this shit and can't be bothered with anyone or anything that doesn't have to do with his present situation.

Rant over. In the immortal words of Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the Star Ship Enterprise, "As you were."!!!!

i'm such a lazy shit

Since I've been spending time writing and Facebooking lately and catching up with ex-boyfriends (a story for another day) instead of doing things that I should be doing like, oh, refinancing my mortgage and basically doing whatever I can from allowing this house to fall into the shitter, I have nothing of any interest to write about. Not that I ever do, but today is really nothing.

So whenever there's nothing, out come the "Word of the Day" posts! Yeefuckinhaw!

Today's word is "tordaw".

Again, don't cheat by Googling because this is not a real word. You must write a sentence with a believable definition. And today, you cannot use words in your sentence like 'suck' and 'blow'. Heh.