the taming of the spew

I'm really getting tired of this shit.

Up until last night, neither of my kids has had a stomach bug for about two years. My kids were at their dad's but came home earlier than usual because my son was complaining about a stomach ache. I was hoping for the best but kinda' knew what was going to happen.

Sure enough, about an hour after he went to bed, I heard coughing from his room and I knew what had happened. This is the part that pisses me off...

My kids have always gotten sick in the middle of the night. And always at my house, never at their dad's! And as familiar as they are with the uncomfortable stomach pains that go along with an approaching stomach bug, why can't they ever fucking run to the sink, toilet or aim it at a trash receptacle for instance?! Why must they always puke all over their beds and floor?! Don't get me wrong, I'm a compassionate person when they're ill but they're going on 9 and 12 here, so is that too much to ask them to at least try to keep their vomit off my walls?!

Please forgive me if you're reading this over breakfast. Just be happy I didn't go into color and consistency of the spew.

Needless to say, I had him remove his pajamas and redress himself, got him situated in a comfy spot in the family room with a basin by his side as there was no fucking way in hell that I was gonna' allow him to crawl into another bed, removed his bedding, immediately put everything in the washer and sat with him all night.

That's right, I have yet to clean his room. I'm sure it'll be a delightful experience.

Luckily, what he did in his bedroom was it. He sucked on a few popsicles in an attempt to get rid of that burning sensation in his throat and was able to sleep as was I. Until I realize that my stomach was knotting up on me. Oh, joy!

Thankfully, my stomach upset was due to a shitty dinner I'd eaten and a little sleep took it away. That's not to say that my daughter and I still don't have something to look forward to, that's just saying I made it through the night without my own shit to deal with.

I'll let y'all know later how the cleaning of his room went 'cause I know you're on the edge of your seats in anticipation. Heh.

back and forth

The past few days have been a little better where Jasper's concerned.

He's still exhibiting some aggressive behavior with Schwartz (three attacks yesterday) but he's generally sweet and when they play nicely, boy, do they really enjoy each other!

He's become easier to keep on a bathroom schedule. In the past three days, he's been peeing in the pinestraw or at least near the pinestraw. He knows that he gets one decent walk in the morning and one in the evening and he knows as soon as he's done "unloading", that it's time to go home. I want to get him really situated with that habit before I start taking him on longer walks as treats.

And that won't happen until he stops. pooping. in. the. house.

That is still a bit frustrating although I dealt with the same shit, no pun intended, with Schwartz when we first got him too. He'd do really well with house training, poop in the house and then it would feel like it was two steps back.

Let's just put it this way...Jasper and I are definitely learning from each other.

Take last night for instance...despite the fact that Jasper hadn't finished his food, I didn't take the bowl away. Most of the time, if the dogs haven't finished their food by a certain time, I take it away so that they won't have the need to be taken out in the middle of the night. Last night I flubbed. I saw that he hadn't finished, the kids and I got preoccupied cuddling by a nice toasty fire and the next time I looked, the food was gone from his bowl. I knew that meant he would need an extra walk, which I obliged, and of course, a bit frustrated by the end of the walk that he had not done his bu'ness. That meant one thing...I knew I would find a little gift waiting for me this morning.

Turns out that little gift wasn't so little! It was once again in that same exact spot on my wood floor. He turned away as I cleaned it up. I'm not sure if that's out of guilt or if he's laughing at me! Probably a little of both. Clearly, he knows it's wrong or he'd be right there by my side, tail wagging. I suppose I should be thankful that he's leaving it in plain sight unlike Schwartz who occasionally poops on the upstairs landing and we can only sense it by its distinct scent. ICK.

Since I can see that Jasper's making progress, today I will keep him. Tomorrow could be another story. *wink*

On another note...GO STEELERS!!!

life is like a box of chocolates...or a big hairy steamy pile of doggy doo

Jasper's not stupid. Disgusting, but definitely not stupid.

When I woke up this morning and noticed he wasn't in my room, I had a sneaking suspicion that he was up to no good. The last time I had that feeling, he had relieved himself all over my family room carpet.

I'm still not done cleaning the carpet and after this morning, I'm glad I hadn't yet put away my Spotbot.

Rrrrrr.

I walked out of my room to find the dog I knew would be hanging his head in shame. Even in the dark, I could see the pile of shit on my wood floor. I saw Jasper on my living room sofa with his head turned away from me. The little fucker couldn't even look me in the eye! Can you say "I'm a guilty motherfucker!"??!

I went into the family room to see the damage. A nice oblong pee stain. Sweet.

Of course the shit in my hallway wasn't going to clean itself up so I took care of it and came into my bedroom to get caught up on Emails and such. Like every other day, my alarm went off at 5am, I finished doing what I was doing and got up to take the dogs out.

The pile of dog shit had regenerated! There it was, in the same fucking spot, staring at me as if I had never cleaned it up. Again, I cleaned it up and went into the family room. Another oblong-shaped pee stain. In the immortal words of Napoleon Dynamite, "YES!".

I can't even begin to tell you how pleased I am with this dog. Say that in the most sarcastic tone of voice possible.

Yesterday, he was a good boy. He pooped as if he was on a set schedule. He was chipper and in good spirits when we walked. I even allowed him to stay out of the crate yesterday as a sort of treat for being a good boy. All I can say is that I hope he really enjoyed his freedom yesterday because today he is going to be in that crate like a career criminal in a jail cell.

It would seem that my initial thought that he had such an upset stomach from getting into Schwartz's medication the other day would be incorrect. My newest conclusion is that when he gets upset and he knows others are upset with him, his bowels release much like the Hoover Dam - in a big fucking rush and with little control.

Talk about knowing how to get back at me! What a spiteful little pooch! Do I know how to pick dogs or what?!

i'm koolio and i grow penises on my farm

So there I was yesterday, minding my own business, when out of the corner of my eye something caught my attention.

I looked over at this houseplant I have situated by my front door and upon close inspection, I saw these guys growing in the soil.

Anyone ever seen anything like it? Up until now I haven't and it's sorta' freakin' me out!

A few short months ago I repotted this plant because it had outgrown it's pot. It's not like I took soil from outside, I used Miracle Gro potting soil! I guess the name rings true, because it's certainly growing some kind of miracle in the pot!!

I'm assuming it's some kind of fucked-up mushroom. Penis-shaped mushrooms...now I've seen everything!

So I Googled. I couldn't find any written information, but apparently I'm not the only one who's posted about this before because I found this photo online...

I looked at this guy's website and figured he'd know something about them since he's a chef and maybe you can cook with them (not like I'd ever eat them, of course!), but after scrolling through and reading page after page about his concoctions, the occasional person being disappointed in his cooking and the occasional moment when he was disappointed in the outcome of a dish or the presentation, I gave up. There's only so much of that shit I can take!

I wrote him an Email and I guess I'll just wait to see if I hear back from him. In the meantime, if anyone knows what these are, please let me know 'cause it would be nice to put a name to the penis. Just sayin'!