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Thursday, December 25, 2008

later, bitches

I've been busy packing. Probably putting a lot more time into it than I have to considering I'll probably be coming home earlier than I'm expected to.

Think positive, Koolio. P O S I T I V E thoughts!

Okay...I'll positively be coming home earlier than I'm expected to, is that better?! Heh. This would be as good a time as any to come down with a rare illness. One that requires hospitalization for at least, oh, a week's time. Quarantine. Yeah! Even better! No visitors allowed! Just me, my thoughts, my blog and no one from my family permitted to see me! Ever again!

Speaking of health issues, wanna' hear something ironic? Last night, while I was trying to finish up the fourth book in the Twilight series (I read all 4 books in a week and trust me, I have the dark circles under my eyes to prove my lack of sleep! Talk about addicting!) when I got a call. One of the gals that helped me out a great deal in August when I had my accident took a spill and did the exact same thing to both her ankles and she did it in the same exact way I did, too, falling down stairs! Stupidly, she hasn't gone to the hospital or seen a doctor regarding her injuries so I brought her all my braces and stuck them on her. I should probably tell her she can keep them!

In any case, I'm hoping to get around to all your blogs before leaving tomorrow morning but if I don't, I hope everyone had a Happy Hanukkah, Merry Christmas and I'll "see" y'all in 2009! Stay safe!

I'm sure I'll have LOTS to tell y'all upon my return! Can't wait!!!! 'Til I get home and tell you my tales!

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Saturday, December 20, 2008

when you're right, you're right

Thank you to those of you who shared your thoughts with me. I have received similar advice before from those of you who said not to send an Email. Unfortunately, it's easier for me to express myself with written words instead of in person especially with a father who never lets me get a word in edgewise and always shoots down everything I say. He really has quite the talent for twisting my words!

I will go on my trip and I will deal. And if worse comes to worse and my sister is just making it too miserable for me to handle it, I will leave early. I will do my best to bite my tongue while not biting it completely off but I can't promise you that I won't come back with new scars!

If we get into the thick of things while I'm there, then we'll do just that, it will all be out in the open and then if I have the opportunity, I will throw my sister over the balcony. Pretend you didn't read that. Ya' know, just in case the FBI come knocking on your doors asking questions. In fact, just pretend like you've never even heard of me or my blog. Well most of you don't even know my real name so that should come easy for you!

And if things get really bad, then I will inform them that we will never return again. Let's all keep our fingers crossed for that one!

Thank you to those of you who wrote me private messages on here and personal Emails voicing your opinions. One person asked me if I was dependent on my parents because of money, inheritance, etc.. My parents help me out financially but truthfully, the few thousand I receive from them/year doesn't significantly impact my bank account and if I had to do without, it wouldn't make much of a difference. Yes, there are some trust funds but if it came down to it, I would tell my parents to keep it. Years ago, after I was done telling my father to fuck off during an argument, I told him to take me out of his will. Chances are, when he was done seeing red, he chose not to but I would feel relieved if he did. With my parents, everything they've always given me has come with strings attached. For once, I'd like to be out from under their thumbs even if there was a price to pay for it.

If the shit went happens to go down next week which results in my breaking ties with all of them, I would be all the happier for it. I already know that heated discussions will ensue soon into our visit when my parents realize (probably after my sister throws one of her infamous tantrums) that I'm no longer speaking to my sister and I'm sure they'll try relentlessly to get me back to talking to her. Certainly, if that continues for most of the trip I will notify them that we will no longer be coming back because that's not what a vacation is supposed to be about.

Vacation, what a joke! My kids probably hate being there more than me just because it's boring for them and they can't stand the strict rules they have to follow. The only good thing about this particular trip, is that we're staying in a rented suite in their condo because of plumbing issues that have caused my parents to have to use the guest bedroom for themselves. That means, the kids and I will be kicked out early because my sister has to go to sleep by 7 (not for her beauty sleep because no amount of sleep will ever help with her looks) and we can go out and do stuff without my family ever knowing! Yeefuckinghaw for that!

Having a good weekend when I'm not thinking about them which, thankfully, isn't often!

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Friday, December 19, 2008

your thoughts are important to me

I wanted to ask your opinions on what I consider a very important topic.

I was speaking with a friend of mine about the problems in my family and she strongly suggested I not take the trip next week to visit with my family. Knowing that there is tension among all members, she thinks it would not be in my best interest to go when I already know that my sister will probably put me in such a position, where I will have no other choice but to cut my visit short and leave. While I've already decided that I no longer want a relationship with my sister, it will be a very complicated and awkward situation should I arrive and she acts like everything's good between us because I don't want her thinking for one minute that things are fine and, at the same time, I don't want to make the situation bad for anyone else, especially my children.

After listening to my friend's thoughts, I felt it would be in my best interest to share my thoughts with my parents prior to the trip so they are not surprised by anything that may occur during it. As they have in the past, I will expect them to respond to me in a harsh manner and they will try to control the situation by treating me as if I'm a young child who can't make her own decisions for herself, but at least I know that they've heard what I've had to say.

So here's the Email note I've worked up, I would like everyone to voice their thoughts and if you see anything that can be improved upon, to contribute there as well.

Dear Mom and Dad,

Something has been weighing on my mind for some time now that I felt necessary to share with both of you before making the trip down to see you next week.

As you are both probably aware, L. and I have not spoken since August. This note is not about how I feel she behaved while visiting here because what's happened happened, it's in the past and it should just stay there. What this is about, and I've given this a lot of thought since my accident, is that I've decided that it's not in my best interest to continue a relationship with her from this point on. I'm sure this is not something you care to hear but I'm old enough to know when I think a relationship is toxic and unhealthy for me and the relationship she and I have has always been more negative than positive.

I wanted to share my thoughts with you now because I didn't want to spring it on any of you when we arrived, but I thought you should know that I have no interest in interacting with her during our visit. While I realize that this may make for some awkwardness, if L. and I can agree separately to be at best civil with one another and understand ahead of time that that's as far as our relationship will go and no amends between us need to be made, then I think our visit will go smoothly.

If your choice is not to accept or understand my position, then the only suggestion I can make is that we not visit. I think it also important to mention at this time, that because of what transpired here in August, L. is no longer welcome here. I'm not saying that to anger you, just to help you understand that the only time you will probably get to see the kids with L. around is at your home so we all can choose to make the best of the situation or not see each other.

I'm truly sorry it has come to this but I'm no longer willing to pretend that everything is fine when it's not.

I'm not sure if I should end it there, say more or say less. I think the above really says it all without going into too much detail but I know from my own experiences, that sometimes when someone's removed from a situation they can see things more clearly than those involved so that's where y'all come in.

For those of you who think I should just suck it up, go and pretend to be a loving sister, that is no longer an option. I've walked on eggshells for years around my sister and I have the scars on my tongue as proof of my biting my tongue all too often whenever we're around her! It's just not worth it to me anymore, I'm not willing to look past what's happened this time and my parents need to be made aware of how I feel. Whether or not they like me, respect me or hate me for it is a totally different matter but they need to understand this was not something I was going to sweep under the rug and hope it will be forgotten which is how they have always preferred handling such tense matters.

Okay...let me have it!


Thursday, December 18, 2008

and let the stress begin

I wasn't going to write one of my infamous family posts until shortly before I was to leave next week, but my parents already started with me today about something so I figured now was as good a time as any to get into it and try to write off some of the stress I'm already starting to feel.

For those of you who haven't been reading me long, let me just put it this way...if I could trade my family in for a new one tomorrow, I would jump at the chance to do so. In a nutshell, my sister has a chemical imbalance that she chooses not to acknowledge and my parents are selfish social status snobs whom I've grown to dislike increasingly over the years.

Let me begin the story...

Since my son was born, we have "vacationed" (ha ha) at my parents' place every spring. When my children began school, it became their spring break. So when my ex asked me a few months ago if he could take them this spring break, I certainly wasn't going to deny him that right. Besides, my kids have expressed to me in recent years and recently to their dad, that they are getting tired of having to visit my family because there's nothing overly exciting for them to do there (which is true) and frankly, they're getting tired of vacationing with a grandmother who has to set all activities by such a rigid schedule.

Spring break. Three months away. My kids called my parents today to thank them for sending them monetary gifts for Hanukkah. Afterwards, my parents wanted to talk to me about how much fun (choke, gag, cough) the kids are going to have while visiting and my mother mentioned that they had just bought my son spring training tickets to the Boston Red Sox game.


I was waiting to get down there to tell them that we wouldn't be visiting for spring break because I honestly wanted to watch my sister throw one of her fits when she found out she wasn't going to get her way and get to see the kids in the spring. I know, I'm a mean bitch, sue me!

So I told my parents that my ex was taking the kids away for spring break and they tried every excuse in the book why he wasn't allowed, as if their rights as grandparents come before his rights as their father!

1. We already bought the baseball tickets. (yes and there are many Red Sox fans out there who would LOVE to have those tickets!)
2. He has them for Thanksgiving and Christmas. (actually, we take turns every year with Thanksgiving and he's entitled to celebrate Christmas with his own children even if that means they miss a little bit of Hanukkah on the off-chance that Hanukkah and Christmas fall at the same time of year.)
3. They'll miss being in the warm climate. (actually, no they won't because they're vacationing in the same warm climate...just not with you!)

But that doesn't really paint a complete picture of how fucked up my family really is. No, let me take you back to the time that my son was born and I was suffering from post-partum depression...

My mother came to visit the weekend we brought him home from the hospital and as helpful as she was trying to be, she was driving me nuts! I'd ask her not to do something, to just sit and enjoy her new grandson and I would turn my back for two seconds to find that she went ahead and did exactly what I asked her not to do.

Like all newborns, my son was losing weight in the beginning only he was one of those children who continued to lose so the doctors were keeping an eye on him and he had an appointment every other day to be weighed and examined. One of those times, I asked my ex to take my mom and my son to the doctor so I could get some peace. My mother returned, pulled me aside and told me my son was dying. Oh yes she did!!

That's when I completely broke down and told my ex to take me back to the hospital. He assured me that the doctors never said any such thing about our son dying. He then called my father, explained to him what was happening and that he needed to talk to his wife. "I don't need to talk to her, she's only trying to help."! Help?! Help do what, put her daughter in the looney bin?!

For those of you who weren't reading my blog in August, the kids and I were just days away from leaving on a trip to visit my family when I fell down some steps while pet-sitting a neighbor's dog and I broke both my ankles. As upset as I was, I looked at it as a blessing that I wouldn't have to visit only for my family to tell me the very next day that they were coming here!

Before my sister got on the plane to come here, she called me and told me that her visit was not a social one. That she was here to help me do whatever I needed her help with and then she proceeded to chew me out about what an unappreciative bitch I was because I hadn't thanked her enough for what she was doing for me. Apparently, the five+ times I did thank her wasn't acceptable.

Then, a cousin who has always been closer to my sister and never calls me, called me to see how I was doing. But not before she put my sister high on a pedestal, praising her for being so nice to me. Oh gee, could my sister have possible called her to complain to her about how unappreciative I was?! No, she couldn't have!! *rolls eyes*

From the moment my sister set foot in my house, the tension hung heavy in the air. The day after she and my mom arrived, I recalled what she said about helping me with anything so I asked her to take some cans out to my garage to the recycling bin and she flipped her lid and stomped off to my garage where she proceeded to throw one of her psychotic tantrums she's famous for before coming in and refusing to help me with my recycling. While she was throwing her tantrum, I turned to my mother and told her what my sister had said to me before visiting and then told her that she better have a serious talk with my sister about the behavior she chose to exhibit in my house in front of my kids or she would be leaving and not welcome back. I'm certain my mother never had that discussion with her.

Not long after that, did my son accidentally spill a minute amount of water on my sister's cell phone. God forbid anyone should do anything to her precious cell phone which she rudely carries around with her wherever she goes with it super-glued to her ear at all times. At the same time that my son accidentally spilled water on her phone, he did so on the kitchen floor. My sister magically found the small droplets of water that hit the ground and she did the same, right on her fat ass. My back was turned when I heard The Thud Heard 'Round the World, I turned and sincerely asked what happened when she snapped and said "You know exactly what happened you bitch!". Yes, in front of my kids.

Needless to say, that was the straw that broke the camel's back and I ordered her out of the house. I screamed at her as she very much deserved it and she was taken aback. Then she decided to do a little screaming of her own, getting in my face, threatening me that she was going to take my children away from me, blah, blah, blah, all the while, my mother telling me to stop it. Y'all, I'm telling you, you would have loved to see this shit in action!

Between being incapacitated from the accident and that bullshit of dealing with that crusty cunt of a sister, clearly, I was upset. I turned to my father thinking he would help me only for him to say to me several times "Either tell them to leave or deal with it." Nice, caring advice for a father to give to someone he supposedly loves, right?! Still balling my eyes out, he finally yelled at me and I chose to hang up on him. I heard my mother's cell phone ringing and then heard my sister saying awful things at full volume right in front of my kids.

The story does end, just not yet!

Then my mother angrily came into my room, "How dare you make your father yell at me when he's just had surgery!!". Make him yell at me?! Oh yesI held a gun to his temple while him to scream at me, egging him on to see how many stitches he could pop! I told my mother not to blame beggingme for my father not having control of his temper and that just because she loved my sister more than me, she had no right to be treating me in such a way.

Well, it would seem I caught her a little off-guard with what I had said to her and she backed down a bit. She asked me if she and my sister could take my kids to a movie and I told them if they didn't apologize to me for the way they were treating me in my house, they wouldn't be taking my kids anywhere and reminded her what my sister told me, that this wasn't a social visit. By the expression on my mother's face, clearly she was unaware of the verbal raping my sister gave me before they arrived.

At the exact moment that my mother felt it was okay to offer me an apology and came back into my room to apologize, she was interrupted by my ex who was loudly chewing me out over the phone, reminding me about a blog I once had that he mistakingly found and felt forced to threaten a lawsuit against me because I was talking trash (aka the truth) about he, his wife and his family, how hateful a person I was and that I should die a thousand painful deaths.

I'm telling ya', does my family know how to put the "fun" in "dysfunctional", or what?!?!??!

Eventually, my mom had the chance to apologize and my sister "apologized" as well. The next day, their last day being here, my sister didn't say "boo" to me and we haven't spoken since. Again, that was August.

Oh and my father? He ignored me for the entire month. There I was, calling him every day to check on him after he had major intestinal surgery, and my own father couldn't suck it up and get over the fact that yes, maybe he was wrong at yelling at his daughter when she was at her lowest point, injured and depressed.

I'm sure you can imagine why I get so stressed when I have these visits with my family and while I would like to be able to make the best of things, I'm predicting many uncomfortable situations to befall me next week...

My sister trying to talk to me, for one.. I already decided back in August that I no longer want a relationship with my her. Too much shit has happened between us, she has been an awful person to me my entire life and there are too many things that can no longer be forgotten or forgiven. For instance, she tried to kill me when I was just days old. If my mother hadn't walked into the room when she did, my sister would have succeeded in murdering her baby sister. She chased me around the house with a knife on more than one occasion when we were little. She would do things to me like physically abuse me, then act like I had done something to her and I would be the one to get punished. She would steal personal items of mine and then when I would find them stashed in her room, who do you think would get punished for trespassing?! I'll give you a hint...not her!

I will be as civil as I possibly can be given the hate I feel for her, but I have a strong feeling that my parents will pull me aside and insist that I make up with her. If that happens, I'm afraid I'll have to burst their little fantasy bubble because it will never happen. I'm 40 years old and I'm old enough to decide who I want in my life and who I want, well, dead. And yes, if my sister were to die tomorrow, I would not shed a single tear for her. They can side with her all they want and believe all the bullshit tales that flow from her lying tongue, I will never budge for them as I've done more than my share of things to appease them over the years and I'm done with this shit!

Now can you see why I enjoy these family "vacations" so much?!

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Tuesday, December 16, 2008

amazon.CON and the other stupid man, part 2

Since Blogger has decided now was as good a time as any to take a shit and not allow me to comment to even my own blog, I thought I would respond to some of your comments here.

Charlie, I realize I got the discount. As I explained in one of my comments to someone else, I have been a loyal Amazon customer for years and have received free shipping and handling on numerous occasions, not once having to deal with them adding the charge before deducting it. I'm not certain if this is a holiday thing so they can scam people out of their money or if they've just recently decided to add this little deception to their receipts but I've never had to deal with something like this before and due to being blessed with common sense, I won't have to ever again.

And, so as not to make my last post any longer than absolutely necessary, there were some things I left out...like how I was put off that Amazon has followed numerous other companies and has chosen to outsource to people in foreign countries who can barely speak the English language, how Punjab was less than helpful and became snitty with me about my questions and how he had little to no concept of the American payment system nor was he able to explain a possible discrepancy with billing errors. All those and what I mentioned previously all built up to my decision not to order through them again. Customers should be treated with the utmost respect since we are the ones who make or break a company's success.

Tug, in answer to your question about the man soliciting business through my personal Email, after the first message I received from him about a month ago, I was going to ask him where he got my Email address then but chose to hold my tongue and let it go. Had I known then that he would have the audacity to add me to a mailing list without my permission and I would be solicited once again, I would have asked him the first time. This time, however, I just thought he needed to know that what he did was unacceptable and not to do it again. And while I have no idea if he would have actually admitted to me how he got my Email address, I had no interest in having a correspondence with him so I just thought it wise to let him know to end his solicitations and lose my Email address. And, as it turned out, the response I received from him this morning proved to me that my initial instinct about him was right and that he was just a moron lacking in tact and professionalism.

I've had to deal with a multitude of stupidity from several individuals today, some I know and some I'm thankful not to, so with that I will take my edgy nerves and my pre-menstrual hormones and bid y'all a wonderful evening!

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Monday, December 15, 2008


They will scam and cheat you!

A friend of mine suggested I read Twilight, about the star-crossed relationship between a vampire and a teenage girl (yes the same story as the movie in theaters now). The book was great, the story addicting enough that I wanted to read the remaining books in the series. What I should have done was picked up the rest of the books at a local bookstore but I knew I wouldn't find the time and/or get off my lazy ass so I just decided to order them through Amazon instead. Which I will
never do again.

Here's what happened...

Upon receiving an Email notification this afternoon that my order had been shipped, I looked through the receipt and noticed something just didn't look right. With this order, I was eligible for free shipping and handling which, of course, I chose to apply to my order.

Now let me stop to mention that I realize that this recession has hit everyone hard and that all stores and online sites are trying to make money, but I am a long-time Amazon customer and I'll be damned if they try to pull the wool over my eyes!

Anyway, they subtotaled my order to be $29.67 before the free shipping and handling. After they deducted the "free" shipping and handling of $5.97, the total was $29.12. Anyone else see the problem with that?!

Here's what they did...before they deducted the $5.97, they first added it to the total. I was also eligible for some $0.55 "best value" deduction which was also applied to my order bringing everything to $29.12.

Now people, don't even try to tell me that this is normal practice among websites such as this, I've ordered enough shit online and have received enough free shipping and handling to know when someone's trying to scam me. If you're eligible for something that they claim is free, then you don't fucking add it to the purchase before deducting it!!! That's just poor, sleazy business ethics worth reporting to the Better Business Bureau in my honest opinion.

I tried to Email these fuckers and it wouldn't allow me to send the message as I kept receiving an error message that my order number was incorrect and the message could not be sent without it. Well dickheads, if my order number is incorrect then who's at fault for that?!

So I had to call them and of course my customer service representative was someone named Punjab with an East Indian accent. Oh wow, huge surprise there. Punjab's explanation was that I did in fact get the free shipping and handling and that all I was paying for was the cost of the books I purchased. My argument was that if you advertise for free shipping and handling, you don't first add the "free" shipping and handling to the cost before subtracting it. The response given was that it was for their accounting books. Books shmooks, you guys are fucking thieves and don't know your assholes from your elbows!

And while I'm on the subject of annoying companies, lemme' tell y'all another little story...

Last month, some guy who lives in my neighborhood, sent out a mass Email to the residents of my subdivision about giving to a particular charity for the holidays. In the next sentence, he advertised for his pressure washing business.

Here's what I have a problem with...

Promoting a charity is a wonderful thing that one should be commended for. Promoting a charity and then making a plug for your company in the same message is shameful and tacky, to say the least. You deserve to be beaten repeatedly with the keyboard you typed that message on if you pull some asshole stunt like that.

Funny thing is, I don't remember giving this guy, a perfect stranger, my personal Email address nor do I remember ever giving anyone permission to give him my Email address. Yet suddenly, I'm being solicited by this fucker through my personal Email address! Talk about fucked up, trying to drum up business through Email addresses that you received illegally.

The balls some people have, I'll tell ya'! So me being me, I Emailed this guy that I didn't know who he was or how he got my address but that he was to remove me from his group mailing list immediately. I'll let y'all know if I hear back from him. Chances are I will because I'm lucky like that!

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tips on how to start a really great fire in your fire place

Anyone have any?! 'Cause, let's just say, if I was a Girl Scout, I would have failed miserably at getting my fire badge!

When we moved into this house 9+ years ago, my kids were young. We set up a play table and chairs right in front of the fire place and made the choice not to use it until they were older to avoid any possible accidents. This past summer, I told the kids that this was the year.

I was going to do this right. I called a chimney company to have them inspect my chimney. One part has to be replaced but doesn't effect having fires so I went ahead, got the wood stand, the tools and bought some firewood. I still had those long fire place matches from the last house we lived in back in Atlanta.

I bought the wood from our supermarket. It was convenient, the wood appeared to be fine and I didn't expect there to be a problem. We didn't need a lot because I only intended on having fires here on weekends I have the kids.

This past weekend I had the kids. They were excited Saturday night because we were going to have a fire. My first mistake was using newspaper as kindling. Bad idea. With the flue open, the room still started filling with smoke! Luckily, the wood hadn't yet ignited, so I put out the fire and aired out the room.

A little while later, we tried again without the newspaper. Match after match, and nothing happened. Nothing. It seemed this wood was flame retardant! I used the entire box of matches and still the wood wouldn't catch fire! I stuck matches in every crevice possible and we thought we had fire a few times but it turned out it was just the match sticks burning! I noticed some parts of the wood were charred but never actually caught fire!

My kids told me about the Duraflame pine cones that their dad uses. I had seen those while shopping in Target the other day but thought, "How hard could starting a fire possibly be that I need these pine cones?!". Now it seems that I do, in fact, need those pine cones, or some other fire starting product, if I ever want to see any actual wood-burning fire in my fire place!

Any suggestions? Does anyone out there take pity on a poor, pathetic fire starter-challenged woman?!

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Friday, December 12, 2008

ghost whisperer, koolio-style

Every Friday night, I watch the Ghost Whisperer about a woman who, well, sees dead people. Jennifer Love Hugetit's Hewitt's character, Melinda Gordon, helps the deceased resolve their issues before they can go into the light.

For those of you who've watched it in the past but haven't seen it in awhile, and/or for those of you who haven't stooped to this kind of trash TV, allow me to get you caught up!

This season, that crazy gal Melinda is back at noseying around in other peoples' business but with a twist! A professor at the local college has a near-death experience and when he comes back, he can hear dead people speak to him. Melinda, being the Donald Trump of the afterworld, takes him on as an apprentice and gives him the work that she doesn't have time for. Because, afterall, it's so hard running a posh antique store, boffing her hottie firefighter husband and talking to dead people, right?!

Then the shit hits the fan and her husband, Jim, takes a bullet and dies from his injuries (this is where you gasp). Unfortunately, her husband prefers to torture Melinda with his constant after-presence instead of going into the light like she consistently begs him to so that she can move on and he can be at peace. Instead, while she's at the scene of an accident one day, a man dies, his soul exits his body and Jim gets the fabulous idea to jump into the man's body to take it over much like Patrick Swayze does to Whoopie Goldberg in the movie Ghost. However, Jim has no fucking clue who Melinda is!

*dun dun duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuun*

Now, poor widowed Melinda is faced with running a posh antique store, dealing with ghosts and trying to boff a man who is and isn't her husband! But seriously folks (how Rodney Dangerfield did that just sound?!), Melinda now has to agonize over a man who doesn't know her but can sense that something is very familiar about her while she impatiently waits for something to trigger his memory to bring Jim back to her.

As us Jews say, OY (fucking) VEY!

Anyway, let's pretend for a moment that I am Melinda and you are a ghost and you have a desperate message for someone with which I will help you resolve before that big bright light entices you away from the here and now. What would you say to me? Would you tell me to tell a long-lost friend that you were the one who stole her favorite pair of silk panties or would you ask me to contact a family member to tell them where you stashed your gold worth a katrillion dollars?!

Whatever you tell me, you have one chance and only one chance so make it a good one!


Thursday, December 11, 2008

my bailout advice for the car manufacturers

Dear GM, Ford and Chrysler,

Well, it seems like you've gone and fucked things up pretty good for yourselves, haven't you?! No worries, all is not lost. Just follow my simple advice and you'll be able to pick your sorry asses back off on the ground in no time at all!

First, get rid of all upper management. Afterall, their demands to be overpaid is what got you into this mess in the first place. The money they get paid with could go towards rewarding the assembly workers who should be paid more since it's their hard work that gets those cars off the lines and onto lots.

Take your three top sellers and stop production on everything else. Yes, everything else. You're not making money with super, futuristic, pimped-out sports cars taking up space and collecting dust on your lots. Sure people all want the latest and greatest with all the eco-friendly bells and whistles but in a recession, you'll find few people willing to spend the money with the jacked-up prices you charge. Instead of wasting your employees' time cranking out such cars and the sales people wasting time trying to push the cars on potential customers, put such cars on the back-burner until the economy picks up again.

No. Sports. Cars. No, I didn't stutter! Sure, it's fun to oodle a sports car racing down the road and the insurance companies love sports cars because the premiums are higher on them, but the big sellers these days are family cars. Besides, the drug dealers you're hoping will dish out their tainted cash for one of your sleek sporty models are more interested in souping up the classic sedans from the '80s that are as big as boats, with the shocks that cause motion sickness and eye-catching, glossy, two-toned irredescent paint. And really now, the only people truly interested in sports cars are the Grandma and Grandpa Waltons of the world who think driving a sporty car will make them look younger. Sorry, it just pisses the rest of us off when we're stuck behind an old geezer driving one of your mega horse-powered vehicles while going 5 mph. In the left-hand passing lane. Rrrrrrrrrr.

Stop advertising. You might as well just flush the money down the toilet for the expense of TV and radio spots as well as print advertising. Trust me, I was in radio sales, I know what I'm talking about. Your biggest advertisement is the car itself. That does all the talking. People who want a particular car do so after observing it in action in the lane next to them, not while watching it being driven in wet conditions along a beautiful yet strangely abandoned scenic highway somewhere in a mountain setting that they never actually see with their own eyes because it doesn't seem to really exist, from their living room chairs.

Follow these very simple rules and I assure you, business will pick up and you will be pleasantly surprised. Or perhaps you find the idea of waiting behind some scuzzbucket in the unemployment line more appealing?!


Someone who already has a fairly new family car but who feels like forcing her bitchiness onto other people


Wednesday, December 10, 2008

the hussy...and some other shit

I was gonna' give y'all a lengthy explanation about what's transpired over the last few days with regards to the hussy, but I just don't have the fucking time! So I'm just gonna' mention a few specifics and then be done with it.

First lemme' tell you how much it sucks to learn about what your son has been doing with a "girlfriend" from other people. It really makes me feel like I haven't done my job as a parent when my own son isn't honest enough with me to tell me himself or I find out from others that he's lied to me about things. I learned about him cuddling with this girl during a choir practice which caused the friend whom she had just broken up with to cry. I learned about my son slow-dancing with this girl at a party last weekend. I've learned that all the boys and girls in their grade who are "dating" each other hug each other in the hallways and hold hands under the table in the cafeteria. It really all makes me rather sick, to be honest. I know some parents don't mind that shit but I do.

In the end, my friend and I decided the best thing to do was to meet with this girl's mother ASAP to try to resolve things. We did so yesterday and we all came to the conclusion that all our kids are too young for this girlfriend/boyfriend nonsense, that they need to dedicate themselves more to doing well in school and behaving themselves (especially this girl who apparently has a tendency to do some real malicious things and while I would like to tell you about some of them, I've promised not to say anything from the people who told me so I can't broadcast the news over the Internet), and focusing more on developing and maintaining friendships rather than ridiculous relationships that they're neither ready for physically or emotionally.

Her mother was very nice and cooperative and didn't hesitate to meet with us. I walked away from the meeting having made the following observations...

The mother seems to have knowledge of at least some of what's been going on and has already taken steps with school advisors/guidance counselors to correct things. Her daughter is her only child and is spoiled and because she's probably always played them, they've probably never really disciplined her well which has allowed her to think that she can get away with anything. That behavior has unfortunately spilled over to school where she hasn't realized until now that there are consequences for her actions.

End result, my son and my friend's son are still friends, my son is still friends with this girl and while both boys still like her, neither my friend or I are allowing them to get within ten feet of her!

Now for the other shit.

Ya' know what's worse than waking up in a bad mood? Starting the day out in a great mood and winding up a sour puss.

My cleaning girl comes every other Wednesday. Today was that Wednesday. I try to compile all my errands to keep me outta' the house so I'm not underfoot. Today I came home to her standing on a very high ladder in front of this crappy, cheesy, standard hallway chandalier that most builders install in every new home. She was cursing at herself and announced to me that she had broken it.

For some odd reason, she felt compelled to dust it while there was a multititude of other things she could have cleaned but didn't get done because this POS fixture was just calling out to her. Meanwhile, she had been standing there 15 minutes trying to fix it while other things could have gotten done.

In the 11 years since this house was built and in the 9+ years that I've lived here, that chandalier has never been dusted because it's so far up, then you couldn't notice if bats were hanging from it let alone dust. According to her, she had barely touched it when it fell apart in her hands.

Between the numerous "I can fix anything's" and "I'm so sorry's", I felt like she thought those words were as good as money - the money it would cost me to fix this POS fixture.

While she was returning the ladder to my neighbor, I called an electrician to set up the earliest appointment. My cleaning girl gets paid $75 every other week and just for them to come out here is $75. Then there's the first hour rate, the second hour rate and so on and so forth. I had no choice but to set up an appointment with them. I can't have this piece dangling above everyone's head, threatening to crash land!

When she returned, already knowing the answer, I asked her if she was bonded and insured and she told me she wasn't. I asked her if she would be willing to pay for it. She said "If it's over $100, no."

Uh, COME AGAIN?!?!?!?!?

Ya' know, I love it when people automatically assume that just because I'm a full-time mom and I don't work that I'm just made of money. The only messes I'm responsible for cleaning up after are mine, the kids when they really fuck up and Schwartz's.

So being me, I spoke up:

Well, I'm sorry L. but you broke something and now you have to pay for it. That's why cleaning companies have insurance to pay for any damages that occur while they're on the job and while I know you're one person and probably don't make enough money to buy insurance, you need to expect that sometimes such things will happen. And while you don't think it's fair that you should have to pay for it, I don't think it's fair that you expect that I will.

At this point, she actually said to me that, if I wanted to, I could keep the $25 Barnes and Noble gift card I had just given her for the holidays to make up for some of the damages!


I'm fairly certain that a gift card can be treated like a gift in that if you need to return it they'll refund your money but that wasn't the point! She wasn't owning up to something that was clearly her fault!

I finally just told her that she had to pay for half the cost of fixing and/or replacing the fixture and that I would take $5 out of her paychecks until things were paid off. I mean, I'm not totally heartless! I don't want the woman to starve and wind up living in an old refrigerator box!

Although I'm certain that kicking her ass into oblivion would have felt pretty damn good at least for a few minutes!

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Sunday, December 7, 2008


I did something today that I think every parent dreads at some point. I made the decision that my son could no longer be a boyfriend to this girl he's been "dating" on and off since last year in the 5th grade.

Here's what happened...he was "dating" her which really consists of talking and texting on the phone and the occasional hug at school. He was invited to her birthday party in October and because he considered her special, he spent $60 on very nice earrings for her.

Little did I know, that during the time it took us to drive to her party, she was already talking to another boy, one of my son's friends, about being boyfriend/girlfriend with him which I actually found that out this very evening.

I found out that my son was no longer "dating" her on Halloween when I was taking he and his friends out trick-or-treating. He didn't seem bothered by it at all. I found out who she was dating from his friend's mother and I was kinda' shocked that this had happened so quickly. I figured this girl was just very boy crazy but then I found there's more to it than that.

Tomorrow night, my kids have a special holiday choir performance and they were at the facility today putting on the final touches. While we were waiting for our kids to finish up, this boy's mom came up to me and told me that this girl broke up with her son on Friday and immediately contacted my son to ask if they could be boyfriend/girlfriend again.

When I found out that this girl had one of her girlfriends tell this boy that she wanted to break up with him and that this boy went home to his mom, my friend, and cried his eyes out because he couldn't understand why, or what he had done for her to be so mean to him, that just made my heart ache for this boy. And it made me so angry that this girl was doing this to both boys.

Soon after arriving home this evening, I sat down with my son and told him that I had to put my foot down with something and told him that he could no longer be a boyfriend to this girl. He took it very hard and started crying. I did my best to explain things to him but I don't really think an 11 year old boy can truly grasp the games that this girl is playing. I told him how she was coming between two friends and that was the most hurtful thing she could possibly do and how friendships are so much more important than girlfriends. I also stressed the fact that he was too young for something like this, even if it made him feel special, and that first and foremost he had to concentrate on school and not be distracted by this girl.

After dinner, I called my friend and told her that I had told my son that he could no longer "date" her and she and I got into an indepth conversation about it. Apparently, when this girl had broken up with my son in October, she had done it in the same manner as she did with his friend. How my son couldn't be hurt by something like that is beyond me but then I remember that he's one of the youngest in his grade and while he just turned 11 over the summer, most of the other kids are turning 12 or have been 12 for some time so perhaps he's not as in tune to his emotions as some of his friends are.

Then I found out that during choir practice today, my friend's son wanted to tell my son to stay away from this girl but then he briefly got angry with my son for taking her back so easily without thinking of his (the friend's) feelings first. I told her it was probably a good idea that her son didn't say anything because while they're both too young to understand, sometimes it's better to find such things out on their own. Frankly, I don't think my son would have listened to his friend and I think if I hadn't said anything to my son, that he would always put this girl before any of his friendships.

But I want my son to hear it straight from his friend's mouth so sometime after school this week. we're gonna' get our boys together and help them to understand the problem behind her actions and that hearing the same thing from both parents will really help them to understand and hopefully to really think for themselves should they encounter a similar experience in the future. Plus, my son really needs to hear straight from his friend how hurt his friend was. I think such a pow-wow will really get them both thinking.

Boy, it's fucking tough being a parent sometimes!


Saturday, December 6, 2008

cheesesteaks, ExtenZe and trojans...oh my!!

Hailing from Philadelphia, I take pride in knowing that I come from the same place as the original Philly cheesesteak. If you live anywhere but Philadelphia and a restaurant where you are serves something they claim is the original Philly cheesesteak, it wouldn't be called a PHILLY cheeseteak if it was from your area!

It's been years since I've had a true Philly cheesesteak and to say I'm jonesing for one would be a serious understatement. About five years ago, there was a restaurant here that came very close to making a decent cheesesteak in look and taste but people here just didn't get it and the place didn't last but a few short years. So when people were buzzing about this new place out near me that made a really good cheesesteak, well, I wanted...no, I needed to try it!

I had a very busy and tiring week this week. I'm sure it's this way with all of you as well, but this time of year is especially busy for me whether it's attending holiday performances at my kids' school, buying gifts or simply jetting my kids from point A to point B and back again. Yesterday I was on the go from the moment I awoke. I thought I would get a break at some point but there was too much to do and, as usual, too little time to get it all done. By the time I got home with my kids yesterday afternoon, we were off again to my daughter's soccer. There was no time to even think of being tired!

This year my daughter really started to show more of an interest in participating in sports and since we don't want her turning into a blobby couch potato, we explained to her that she had to participate in at least one sport per season. In the fall she surprised us by wanting to play in an inline hockey league and she loved it. Now it's soccer and since it's really only an instructional course and not an actual league, I took some shots of her and was on my way 30 minutes later. I decided last night was the night that I was going to try one of these supposedly amazing cheesesteaks.

Let me stop by explaining something to all of you so-called cheesesteak experts out there...a cheesesteak consists of chopped meat, cheese (regular slices or Cheez Whiz), onions if that's your pleasure and a red marinara-type sauce on a big, doughy hoagie roll. Don't mistake a cheesesteak with sauce as something called a "pizza steak", that is basically insulting us Philadelphians! A "pizza steak" to us would be to throw a piece of pizza on a bun. If you want that, go for it but that's not a cheesesteak.

If you're not a meat-eater or you've never seen a cheesesteak up close and personal, this is what a real Philadelphia cheesesteak looks like.

So I go to this dive and from the get-go I wasn't impressed. As I looked around this small place, a guy was washing dishes in the front right behind the bar. Personally, I'm not really interested in watching someone wash dishes in the same germy dishwater that he's just washed Tom, Dick and Harry's in. Yarfomatic. Thank God I was taking out and not eating in!

Then I was basically annoyed with the one working waitress. Five minutes there, and she still had not even greeted me. In my opinion, service can either make or break a meal. She was back and forth from the cash register to the customers when she finally told me she'd be right with me. Disappointingly enough, if I wanted the cheesesteak that I wanted, I had to order that fucking pizza steak.

I waited. The smell was enticing. I was eager to sink my teeth into this wonderful comfort food! My meal was finally brought to me in a to-go box, I got home, opened the box and there in front of me was the worst-looking "cheesesteak" I had ever seen! It looked like someone had thrown up on my hoagie roll!

The chef, and I'll use the term loosely for whomever the schmuck was who claimed he could make a cheesesteak, had chopped up the meat, onions, cheese and sauce into one big fucking mess! I swear, it looked more like a thick, chunky paste than an actual cheesesteak! It was so disappointing, I could barely eat a few bites before ditching it in the trash. That was not a cheesesteak! Way to fuck up something so simple to put together, dickhead!

That's all I can say about that. It's truly a traumatizing event for this former-Philadelphian! I'm so distraught, I may never be able to look at a cheesesteak again. Yeah, right! *snicker*

I'm sure by now, y'all have seen those commercials for ExtenZe. When they first started showing these commercials, they claimed to make a man's peener neener bigger. This morning, I saw a commerical with this cheesy couple aka really bad actors, talking about their experience with ExtenZe and now they claim that not only does it make a man bigger but it also enhances performance. The way they were gushing about it made me feel like I should be behind a cum-stained plexiglass window watching someone bump and grind. Blech. If I'm ever with a guy who proudly exclaims to take this shit, I'm gonna' laugh in his fucking face! By the way, if you're one of those simple-minded characters who think that shit really works, read this.

I was trying to watch this classic movie (Halloween 5, shut up!) but you know how it is, two seconds worth of movie to five minutes worth of commercials. On comes another commercial for this small vibrating contraption that fits on a woman's finger and it's made by the people who make Trojan condoms. Okay ladies...which one of you will be the first to order this?! I, for one, won't be buying one any time soon. I don't own a vibrator 'cause it doesn't feel natural to me. If a guy's tinker doesn't vibrate, what makes the vibrator companies think I'm gonna' enjoy a big, fake purple jiggling thang in my hooner?!


Friday, December 5, 2008


Let me start by discussing the "theft" from my previous post.

When I wasn't running around town today like a chicken without a head, I was able to catch ten minutes at home in which both the headmaster and the middle school principal had already responded by Email regarding the message I sent them last night and both were courteous, gracious, completely full of concern and eager to get to the bottom of things. The middle school principal had forwarded my Email to the assistant principal who also happens to be a basketball coach. Not my son's coach but nevertheless, he was able to investigate and with the help of one of the PE coaches, was able to get to the bottom of the mysterious disappearing PE shorts and came to the conclusion that boys will be boys. Basically, my pre-teen son and his co-horts like to rough-house while getting dressed/changed in the locker room and tend to misplace their own clothing. On top of that, all students who use the locker rooms were recently read the riot act about how crappy they keep the locker room and that a landfill is in better condition! They were told that if something is laying around to pick it up and find it a home and that's what the students have been doing, including my son. So the new homes become unoccupied lockers and some of the kids are so careless, that they tend to throw their own clothing items into said lockers. In the end, my son and his friends' belongings were all found and I jumped the gun as usual and let my anger get the better of me. I'm not blaming myself for anything, don't get me wrong. I probably did what any other concerned parent would have done at the end of a long and tiring day when that was the last thing they wanted to deal with. I sent a message to all those who had responded to my Email thanking them and apologizing for rushing to conclusions and making threats. Anyway, the matter has been resolved and the case is closed, Nancy Drew.

Now for Schwartz. He had the tests done yesterday for Cushings Disease and the results came back today. Negative, he does not have Cushings. However, he has cysts all over his mid-section that erupt and scab over in these horrendous scabs and as a result, he has a skin infection. He is now on a two-week supply of antibiotics and the doctor seems to think that along with the rest of the steroid meds, he will heal up in no time. I'm trying to remain optimistic but with everything else we've had to deal with where he's concerned, that remains to be seen.

For the time being, the vet does not want to put him through anymore tests which I'm thankful for as well because I'm not sure how much longer my bank account can handle it! I posed the question as to whether she thought he had a food allergy and she seemed to think that it's very likely so I went out and bought him Nutro food. This is the same type of food that saved Montana's life years ago when we found out he had skin issues so I'm hoping for the best. I selected a particular kind that not only states helps keep skin and coat healthy but one that also has joint additives and since he has that issue with his hind leg, I thought this the best choice for him. I'll let you know how it goes.

Good news on the front for Montana as well. He had his three-week follow-up appointment yesterday and he's finally doing great! The last batch of medications they gave me really started helping him from the first day they were given. He hasn't so much as squinted and the cloudiness has almost completely disappeared from his eye. He's starting to look like a normal cat again!

And last but not least, that chef guy wrote me back regarding the penis-shaped mushrooms. He basically said that he had chosen not to do any research since they aren't of any culinary use and that he thought it was just strange that it happened inside his home disproving, and I quote, "the influence of faery rings or other mushroom mythology". I'm really not sure WTF he's talking about there but I don't really give a shit either. Perhaps he smoked his penis-shaped mushrooms and saw faeries...I don't know.

With that, I'm off...again! Hope your weekends have started off nicely!

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stupid people in abundance

Yesterday started out like any other day. Then I guess my intolerance for the stupid people took hold of me.

The first stupid person I encountered was at the supermarket. I was in the checkout line, putting my items on the conveyor belt and the woman behind me was doing the same, her items getting mixed in with my items. The first time she apologized, moving her things back and putting one of those bars inbetween our items but then she kept doing it and the cashier had that motion sensor button turned on so that when an item reaches the end of the belt, the belt stops.

At this point, the woman kept putting her items on the belt, oblivious to what was going on. Or she was just plain fucking stupid and disrespectful. I couldn't put any more of my items on the belt because every time I moved her items back to put mine on the belt, the belt kept moving forward.

Her actions, of course, were delaying not only me but her. I finally stopped, turned and glared at her. Oblivious. I took it upon myself to remove her items and put them back in her cart. This she noticed. And me, well being me, spoke up:

"You are holding me up! I can't check out if you keep putting your items on the belt. Most people would understand that common courtesy is to wait for the person in front of you to finish loading their items before the person behind them does so. So back off and cut it out already or you'll be picking your items up off the damn floor!"

I must really scare the bejeebus outta' people because she removed the rest of her items from the belt and waited for me to finish. If I ever see her in the supermarket again, I'm ramming her fucking cart up her ass!

The stupid people didn't show their ugly faces again 'til after I picked my son up after school when he announced to me that someone had picked the lock on his gym locker and stolen a pair of PE shorts. The lock was then locked again. This was also done to two other of his basketball teammates. I was livid.

You might be asking yourselves why I would be so angry over a pair of PE shorts. Allow me to answer that by sharing the Email I sent to the middle school principal and the headmaster of the school:

Dear Mr. B. and Mrs. H.,

My son, (his name), is on the 6th grade basketball team. Upon picking him up from practice this afternoon, Thursday December 4th, he informed me that sometime after his Tuesday PE class and after his 10am PE class this morning, someone picked the lock on his gym locker and stole a pair of his PE shorts. While this also happened to two other teammates of his, (their names), I am just writing about my son.

I apologize in advance for the harsh tone this message may take on but I am angry. It's not the shorts I care so much about as I do the principle of the matter. I do not pay all this money to send my children to such a reputable school and have some delinquent children (I can only assume that immature children would pull this kind of prank) show such disregard and disrespect toward fellow classmates. Nothing comes cheap at (name of school) and if my son's shorts are not returned to him undamaged within a weeks time, I feel it's only fair to be compensated with a new pair of PE shorts for my son, free of charge of course.

And just so that you know, if and when the person and/or persons involved in this act are found, I will be looking into pressing criminal charges against him/her/them. I don't care if they're my son's teammates, classmates or other students that attend (name of school), I find this situation completely unacceptable and will not tolerate anyone being given a simple slap on the wrist.

I ended the letter with asking them to contact me should they want to discuss things further.

Here's what I think will happen...

The principle and headmaster will contact me offering their apologies and begging me not to take any legal action against the students and letting them handle things.

Trust me when I tell you I will never let that happen! If this had happened four years ago and the previous pushover headmaster was still in control, he would have accepted a hefty donation to the school from the parents of the child/children involved in the theft, brushed the whole situation under the rug and that would have been the end of it. The current headmaster doesn't tolerate shit and will certainly be concerned enough to get to the bottom of things but will probably do whatever he can so as not to let me get involved.

Here's what I would like to happen...

The principal and headmaster will contact me offering their apologies and telling me that I can be involved in the punishment phase when the suspects are found. Here is what I would like to see happen...

1. All persons involved will get a week's suspension that will remain on their academic records. If they know where they articles of clothing are, they will return them to the boys they stole from. If not, they will purchase new PE uniforms for the three boys.

2. During this suspension, they will have to work the entire school day with the school's maintenance crew as a kind of community service. I'm certainly not gonna' allow these children to be suspended so they can stay at home watching fucking TV all day! They're gonna' have to work off their punishment.

3. Upon returning to school, whomever their English teachers are, they will have to write a handwritten apology note of no less than 500 words to the three boys they stole from, the headmaster and the entire school and this will be graded by the English teacher(s). Anything less than a C, and the child fails the English class for the rest of the school year.

And that's my going easy on them.

4. If any of the suspects, if there's more than one, don't want to abide by any of the above, then the police will be called, they will be taken to juvy, expelled from school for stealing and the matter will remain on their school record forever which will make it impossible to get into any decent college.

I know it all sounds farfetched but trust me when I tell you, I'm not letting anyone get away with this kind of bullshit. I will make a lot of noise if anyone tries to quiet me down!

This story is far from being over so stay tuned!

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Thursday, December 4, 2008

i'm koolio and i grow penises on my farm

So there I was yesterday, minding my own business, when out of the corner of my eye something caught my attention.

I looked over at this houseplant I have situated by my front door and upon close inspection, I saw these guys growing in the soil.

Anyone ever seen anything like it? Up until now I haven't and it's sorta' freakin' me out!

A few short months ago I repotted this plant because it had outgrown it's pot. It's not like I took soil from outside, I used Miracle Gro potting soil! I guess the name rings true, because it's certainly growing some kind of miracle in the pot!!

I'm assuming it's some kind of fucked-up mushroom. Penis-shaped mushrooms...now I've seen everything!

So I Googled. I couldn't find any written information, but apparently I'm not the only one who's posted about this before because I found this photo online...

I looked at this guy's website and figured he'd know something about them since he's a chef and maybe you can cook with them (not like I'd ever eat them, of course!), but after scrolling through and reading page after page about his concoctions, the occasional person being disappointed in his cooking and the occasional moment when he was disappointed in the outcome of a dish or the presentation, I gave up. There's only so much of that shit I can take!

I wrote him an Email and I guess I'll just wait to see if I hear back from him. In the meantime, if anyone knows what these are, please let me know 'cause it would be nice to put a name to the penis. Just sayin'!

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