ghost whisperer, koolio-style

Every Friday night, I watch the Ghost Whisperer about a woman who, well, sees dead people. Jennifer Love Hugetit's Hewitt's character, Melinda Gordon, helps the deceased resolve their issues before they can go into the light.

For those of you who've watched it in the past but haven't seen it in awhile, and/or for those of you who haven't stooped to this kind of trash TV, allow me to get you caught up!

This season, that crazy gal Melinda is back at noseying around in other peoples' business but with a twist! A professor at the local college has a near-death experience and when he comes back, he can hear dead people speak to him. Melinda, being the Donald Trump of the afterworld, takes him on as an apprentice and gives him the work that she doesn't have time for. Because, afterall, it's so hard running a posh antique store, boffing her hottie firefighter husband and talking to dead people, right?!

Then the shit hits the fan and her husband, Jim, takes a bullet and dies from his injuries (this is where you gasp). Unfortunately, her husband prefers to torture Melinda with his constant after-presence instead of going into the light like she consistently begs him to so that she can move on and he can be at peace. Instead, while she's at the scene of an accident one day, a man dies, his soul exits his body and Jim gets the fabulous idea to jump into the man's body to take it over much like Patrick Swayze does to Whoopie Goldberg in the movie Ghost. However, Jim has no fucking clue who Melinda is!

*dun dun duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuun*

Now, poor widowed Melinda is faced with running a posh antique store, dealing with ghosts and trying to boff a man who is and isn't her husband! But seriously folks (how Rodney Dangerfield did that just sound?!), Melinda now has to agonize over a man who doesn't know her but can sense that something is very familiar about her while she impatiently waits for something to trigger his memory to bring Jim back to her.

As us Jews say, OY (fucking) VEY!

Anyway, let's pretend for a moment that I am Melinda and you are a ghost and you have a desperate message for someone with which I will help you resolve before that big bright light entices you away from the here and now. What would you say to me? Would you tell me to tell a long-lost friend that you were the one who stole her favorite pair of silk panties or would you ask me to contact a family member to tell them where you stashed your gold worth a katrillion dollars?!

Whatever you tell me, you have one chance and only one chance so make it a good one!