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Saturday, December 6, 2008

cheesesteaks, ExtenZe and trojans...oh my!!

Hailing from Philadelphia, I take pride in knowing that I come from the same place as the original Philly cheesesteak. If you live anywhere but Philadelphia and a restaurant where you are serves something they claim is the original Philly cheesesteak, it wouldn't be called a PHILLY cheeseteak if it was from your area!

It's been years since I've had a true Philly cheesesteak and to say I'm jonesing for one would be a serious understatement. About five years ago, there was a restaurant here that came very close to making a decent cheesesteak in look and taste but people here just didn't get it and the place didn't last but a few short years. So when people were buzzing about this new place out near me that made a really good cheesesteak, well, I wanted...no, I needed to try it!

I had a very busy and tiring week this week. I'm sure it's this way with all of you as well, but this time of year is especially busy for me whether it's attending holiday performances at my kids' school, buying gifts or simply jetting my kids from point A to point B and back again. Yesterday I was on the go from the moment I awoke. I thought I would get a break at some point but there was too much to do and, as usual, too little time to get it all done. By the time I got home with my kids yesterday afternoon, we were off again to my daughter's soccer. There was no time to even think of being tired!

This year my daughter really started to show more of an interest in participating in sports and since we don't want her turning into a blobby couch potato, we explained to her that she had to participate in at least one sport per season. In the fall she surprised us by wanting to play in an inline hockey league and she loved it. Now it's soccer and since it's really only an instructional course and not an actual league, I took some shots of her and was on my way 30 minutes later. I decided last night was the night that I was going to try one of these supposedly amazing cheesesteaks.

Let me stop by explaining something to all of you so-called cheesesteak experts out there...a cheesesteak consists of chopped meat, cheese (regular slices or Cheez Whiz), onions if that's your pleasure and a red marinara-type sauce on a big, doughy hoagie roll. Don't mistake a cheesesteak with sauce as something called a "pizza steak", that is basically insulting us Philadelphians! A "pizza steak" to us would be to throw a piece of pizza on a bun. If you want that, go for it but that's not a cheesesteak.

If you're not a meat-eater or you've never seen a cheesesteak up close and personal, this is what a real Philadelphia cheesesteak looks like.

So I go to this dive and from the get-go I wasn't impressed. As I looked around this small place, a guy was washing dishes in the front right behind the bar. Personally, I'm not really interested in watching someone wash dishes in the same germy dishwater that he's just washed Tom, Dick and Harry's in. Yarfomatic. Thank God I was taking out and not eating in!

Then I was basically annoyed with the one working waitress. Five minutes there, and she still had not even greeted me. In my opinion, service can either make or break a meal. She was back and forth from the cash register to the customers when she finally told me she'd be right with me. Disappointingly enough, if I wanted the cheesesteak that I wanted, I had to order that fucking pizza steak.

I waited. The smell was enticing. I was eager to sink my teeth into this wonderful comfort food! My meal was finally brought to me in a to-go box, I got home, opened the box and there in front of me was the worst-looking "cheesesteak" I had ever seen! It looked like someone had thrown up on my hoagie roll!

The chef, and I'll use the term loosely for whomever the schmuck was who claimed he could make a cheesesteak, had chopped up the meat, onions, cheese and sauce into one big fucking mess! I swear, it looked more like a thick, chunky paste than an actual cheesesteak! It was so disappointing, I could barely eat a few bites before ditching it in the trash. That was not a cheesesteak! Way to fuck up something so simple to put together, dickhead!

That's all I can say about that. It's truly a traumatizing event for this former-Philadelphian! I'm so distraught, I may never be able to look at a cheesesteak again. Yeah, right! *snicker*

I'm sure by now, y'all have seen those commercials for ExtenZe. When they first started showing these commercials, they claimed to make a man's peener neener bigger. This morning, I saw a commerical with this cheesy couple aka really bad actors, talking about their experience with ExtenZe and now they claim that not only does it make a man bigger but it also enhances performance. The way they were gushing about it made me feel like I should be behind a cum-stained plexiglass window watching someone bump and grind. Blech. If I'm ever with a guy who proudly exclaims to take this shit, I'm gonna' laugh in his fucking face! By the way, if you're one of those simple-minded characters who think that shit really works, read this.

I was trying to watch this classic movie (Halloween 5, shut up!) but you know how it is, two seconds worth of movie to five minutes worth of commercials. On comes another commercial for this small vibrating contraption that fits on a woman's finger and it's made by the people who make Trojan condoms. Okay ladies...which one of you will be the first to order this?! I, for one, won't be buying one any time soon. I don't own a vibrator 'cause it doesn't feel natural to me. If a guy's tinker doesn't vibrate, what makes the vibrator companies think I'm gonna' enjoy a big, fake purple jiggling thang in my hooner?!



Blogger Tug said...

I'm so far behind here it's not even funny.

There was a place in Vegas that made great cheesesteaks that look similar to your pic - it was called 'Philly Cheesesteak' if I remember correctly...my daughter & I were talking not long ago about how delish they were!

Hope Montana & Schwartzie are on their way to health soon - what will you DO with healthy animals?

The lady in the market? I'd have had to throw canned goods at her head I think...

Glad you got the PE shorts figured out - kids. ;-)

December 6, 2008 at 1:28 PM  
Anonymous sista #2 said...

You are dead on about the cheesesteaks!!!!! I will not order one off the menu in the bible belt.

We head home in 10 days.....I want real EYETALIAN food, Cheesesteaks, Pretzels, Malamars and fucking Tastykakes. Oh how I miss those.

Now the vibrating finger thingy...I saw that while dozing off to sleep. Next morning I couldn not remember if I had really saw it on TV or if I had dreamt it. Doesnt look that enticing to me.

P.S. I sympathize with you on the hypo thing....beer helps.


December 6, 2008 at 5:06 PM  
Blogger Koolio said...

Tug, you'll have to tell me where to go for the next time I'm in Vegas! Thanks about your good wishes for Schwartz and Monty. I'll tell ya', they deserve to be healthy already! As for the woman in the market, I would have enjoyed watching you peg her with canned goods!

#2, sometimes you just have to learn the hard way! And don't forget the Utz's potato chips and the Birch Beer! This spring I'm having a Philly party with all the Philly favorites. Did you know that Jim's Steaks overnights their steaks? SO freakin' excited!! Oh do me a favor if you can...when you get back to Philly, please go eat a true great EYEtalian meal at Villa de Roma in the Italian market, will ya'?! I LOVE their salad!!

With regards to your hysterical post about hypochondria, I can't drink. Well, I can but I have less than a zero tolerance which means about two sips of anything alcoholic and I'm heavily buzzed!

December 6, 2008 at 6:34 PM  
Blogger Attila The Mom said...

Hahahahaha! I saw that Extenze commercial late one night myself. As if you can believe that one of the floozy hosts can walk out on the street and ask complete strangers about their experience, and the first three are already using the product.

Yeah right. LOL

Hubby, who hails from the great state of PA and I have been watching "Parking Wars". We laugh ourselves silly, and he keeps saying "F*cking Philly". ;-)

December 7, 2008 at 9:06 AM  
Blogger Samantha said...

You think the jiggling thing is bad? Try being bought a Hello Kitty vibrator (complete with plastic Hello Kitty for your doodah). Ick.

December 7, 2008 at 12:10 PM  
Blogger WavyDavy said...

Don't get me started about Philly Cheesesteaks! They used to have "Philly Cheesesteaks" at the fine dining establishment on campus. FuckingSteak-ums on a bun! Distugsting!

December 8, 2008 at 7:19 PM  
Anonymous sista #2 said...

ohhhh Koolio....the Villa is Sista #1's favorite place to eat in Philly. Think I can talk her and the book into going?


December 10, 2008 at 9:43 AM  

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