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Thursday, November 27, 2008

yeah, happy fucking thanksgiving to me

I don't want to put a damper on your Thanksgiving because I realize that many of you out there really enjoy the family, food and festivities of the holiday, but I woke up to a big 'fuck you' this morning and it was just not the way I intended on spending the day!

Before I lead into any stories, this is going to be a long post so please, grab yourselves a piece of pumpkin pie and your drink of choice and chill. This could take awhile!

Let me start off by saying that while I've missed the kids terribly while they've been away, it's amazing what one can get done without having children around to entertain! My kids left on Sunday and I spent Sunday, Monday and Tuesday tidying up around here and making sure everything was organized and in its place for when my cleaning girl came by Wednesday. I can't stand when she comes and she reorganizes for me!

But I don't want to get ahead of myself. I want to start with Schwartz...

As I mentioned in my last post, I've been treating him for an ear infection. He's been a real trooper taking his steroid medication as well as ear drops and he's definitely improving. The doctor alerted me to the fact that the steroids would make Schwartz thirsty and he would have to pee often and she sure as shit wasn't kidding! When I've taken him out to pee, there have been times that I'm certain he's peed longer than a minute!

This is when all the shit...or pee...started going down for me this morning!

It's not uncommon for me to sleep like total crap when the kids are away so late last night, too late I should add, I decided to take that wonderful non-narcotic pain/sleep aid I was given when I injured my ankles back in August and I slept better than I have in awhile. Problem is, I slept longer than Schwartz's bladder could handle!

I had plans for today. Not plans like you guys because I had no intentions of eating all the stick-to-your-ribs kinda' foods y'all probably ate today, but plans...to give myself a manicure and then hold the sofa down all day long by reading and watching bad TV!

I got up with fried eggs, toasted pumpernickel bread and making a pot of that new pumpkin spice coffee I'd just bought from the Fresh Market the other day occupying my thoughts, went to turn on the kitchen light and stepped right into a kiddie pool-size puddle of dog pee. Lovely. I saw Schwartz cowering on the sofa and clearly he had 'guilt' in capital letters written all over his face. I felt bad 'cause he looked so damn sad!

I cleaned up the pee, went to open the door to my garage to retrieve my mop when...I stepped in pee puddle #2! If you thought it couldn't get worse it most fucking certainly did! No, there wasn't a third puddle and there wasn't any poop (that I was aware of at the time but found some little nuggets in our upstairs room that the cleaning girl forget to shut the door to when she was here, the fucking whore). I cleaned all that stuff up, bagged having my breakfast because I'd lost my appetite by that point, and got onto the computer since I hadn't been on it in a few days. Logged into my Email and the following message appeared:

Failed to create empty document

Hahaha, okay jokes over, dickface!

I tried it again. Same message. I looked around to see if I could see spot the Candid Camera people hiding out in my shrubs but there were none. I tried accessing my Email several more times with the same results before finally deciding that I had been fucked up the ass with a splintered wooden bat.

Luckily, I could still access the Internet, contacted my provider and had a lovely hour-long Thanksgiving Day chat with Maggie K. who helped me fix the problem and access my Email again, with all my addresses still intact. That didn't say anything for my messages, which were ALL gone, every single last one of them, some that I've saved for years because they were that important!

*heavy sigh*

She walked me through some more steps that were supposed to back up all my Email data, including the messages, only when I went to import them into my Email, the fucking file was corrupted and wouldn't import any information. Of course. When I have the time and patience, I'm going to follow the steps again and try to recreate this file on my own but something tells me that all my messages are long gone. Until then, no use crying over spilt milk. Or my fucking POS Email.

(Shhhh. Don't make me jinx myself! I don't need to go through this same shit tomorrow morning too!)

Surprisingly enough, the headache didn't start until after I had gone through all that madness. When I was in the midst of giving myself a manicure and pedicure (which is only half complete at the moment because the brain beating I was taking didn't allow me to polish my nails), is when I felt the migraine hit like someone had just thrown a concrete block at my head going 100 mph.

I took meds, they didn't help. I went into my room to take a nap, it didn't help. I was cranky, dehydrated and nauseous. I hadn't felt that way since the time I decided to throw up on myself in the car while driving home with the kids from visiting the family in Florida. I took more meds and had to resort to using an ice pack on my head which I haven't had to do in a year and a half, since I started taking prescription drugs for my headaches.

And then there was Schwartz, who had to pee every other second and I was telling myself that this was the one time I wish I didn't have a dog so that I could just lay there suffering in peace and quiet!

I took him outside, he peed an ocean, I grabbed my ice pack again and laid on the sofa with the back door open as it was about 68 degrees here with a lovely breeze blowing. About an hour later, I felt human again. Still feeling a bit on the blechy side, still feeling a little dizzy from the meds but much better than I had!

Soon after I became human again, the kids called and I talked to them for awhile. Then I watched the ending of one of my favorite movies (Unbreakable), read for awhile (Stephen King's Duma Key), showered and now here I am, telling you my lovely Turkey Day tale, you lucky fucks!!

Tomorrow morning, I'm having my fried eggs, pumpernickel toast and my pumpkin spice coffee, bitches, and ain't no one or no pee gonna' stop me!

Hope y'all had a great day or at least, better than mine!

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4 Comments:

Anonymous Giggle Pixie said...

Wow, I got nothing that tops that. What a horrible way to spend the holiday! Or your blessed "free time"!! So sorry today was such a freak show, and I sure hope tomorrow goes much better!

November 27, 2008 at 8:27 PM  
Blogger WavyDavy said...

So, uh, like, Happy Thanksgiving? That was one shitty Thanksgiving day. Holy crap! At least you didn't break any bones though. I think you need to get a doggy door installed for Schwartz. Unbelievable. Hope your day today is a little less eventful.

November 28, 2008 at 7:33 AM  
Blogger Charlie said...

You must be psychotic, er, psychic: you had a notion that spending Thanksgiving alone would be shitty, er, urinary, and you were right on, er, in.

I feel sorry for you and for Schwartz, but probably more for you than the dog. And WavyDavy is right: if you have an enclosed yard, a dog door is GREAT.

I'm hoping today is better for you, kool Koolio.

November 28, 2008 at 2:26 PM  
Anonymous metalmom said...

Damn, girl! I'm hella sorry that your day sucked so hard. But I thoroughly enjoyed being called a "lucky fuck"! Hub's never said that to me-- mainly because I got knocked up the first time we did anything!

November 28, 2008 at 11:26 PM  

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