and this is exactly why i am not in a relationship

A week or so ago, a former lust object of mine resurfaced on Facebook. We started reminiscing and after numerous IM chats and one phone call, it wasn't hard to figure out that he was in an unhappy marriage.

I know, red flag. I have the talent to ignore them when I need to pay attention to them.

So we start talking about his unhappy situation. In no offense to any of you because I don't claim to know your marital statuses, but it pisses me off to no end to hear how people will stay in a marriage just for their kids.

Okay, lemme' tell you something folks, and I can say this because I am a divorced woman with two kids who aren't all fucked in the head from the divorce but ya' know what really fucks the kids up in a divorce? The parents. The fighting and hostility rubs off onto them and that is what affects them. Yes, of course the kids don't want their parents to split and want their parents to be all happy happy, but it's the residual effects the arguing has on them that causes the most damage and not the actual split. Don't believe me? Go do some Googling and read up on it.

Again, I can say that because I was once there. If I wasn't arguing with my ex, then we were ignoring each other. I, too, was one of those parents who told myself I would, I could, stay with my ex simply for the sake of the kids but when it came down to it, the minute I realized how our behavior was affecting our kids, I knew it was time to be selfish for once in my marriage and get out while my kids were still sane!

The fact remains, there is no reason why anyone should ever use their kids as the excuse for staying in a wrecked marriage. My parents did and they are two of the most dysfunctional people I know. I can recall numerous times when I'd find my mother crying in a closet and other times when my sister and I hoped my parents would divorce. Frankly, my father could be really fucking sinister when he wanted to be and it would have done him good to have his balls cut off and shoved down his throat but, of course, that's just my fantasy opinion.

Do you know what happens to the person in the marriage who decides to stay for the sake of the kids? That thing we call a 'spine' shrivels up and disintegrates. If my parents were to get a divorce now, my mother wouldn't know what to do with herself and would probably fall into a permanent catatonic state. Which, in hindsight, wouldn't be so bad because then she'd stop telling me I have a brain tumor whenever I get one of my migraines along with the numerous other health issues she claims she has. Can you say "Hypochondriac?"?! C'mon kids, sure ya' can!

Anyway, divorce...been there, done that, have the T-shirt! Friend-to-friend, I talked with this guy about his situation. It made sense, he got it, he knew that not all would be lost if he and his wife were to divorce. The kids would be sad for awhile and then they would recover.

We've chatted and/or Emailed every day since getting back in touch. Strangely enough, he has such a clear, strong memory of our time together down to the details of our sexual encounters. A bit weird but we were able to joke about it without letting it bother us. Suddenly, I made a comment as I had been for the last 20 minutes of our conversation and he says "Uh...oh by the way, the shit went down last night and I'm moving out soon. I'm so worried about the kids so I won't be able to chat with you for awhile.".

Huh?! How did our conversation go from joking one minute to basically telling me C ya'!!

One of two things happened here...first, I can see a brush off from a mile away and I don't appreciate such a thing from anyone, friend or stranger, more so from someone I consider a friend. Two, it was okay for him to make sexual jokes but the second I make one, he gets all weirded out and heads for the hills?! WTF?!

I will admit that I do have a tendency to read into things a bit too much but what else am I left to think? He's all but admitted to me that he still thinks about me and dangles that little carrot in front of my face and then BAM, he's gone quicker than the Star Ship Enterprise at warp speed!

As someone who's experienced divorce firsthand and who understands the ins and outs of the emotions that come into play during such a mourning period, I'm the first one to understand loneliness, neediness, and a whole multitude of emotions that goes along with first separation, then divorce and then the aftermath when you just want to sow your wild oats 'til the cows come home! I'm also the first one to understand wanting to physically get back out into the dating world but not being ready emotionally. After one experience years ago with a newly separated man that left me kinda' shattered, I made a promise to myself that I would not get involved with men who were not only just separated but also emotionally unavailable mainly because, no matter how much they will try to convince you and themselves, they are just not ready to get back out there after going through what can be such a hurtful process. I just can't do it and up until now, I've been a good girl.

In one way, it's different because this guy is not a stranger to me. When we first talked, we picked up our friendship where we last left it and it was good, familiar and fun. Nothing wrong with that. No promises were ever made to me and even if there had been, I wouldn't have believed any of them. I think what bothers me about this situation the most is that this was supposed to be a friendship, nothing more, and as soon as it restarted, he pushed it aside like it didn't mean shit.

For all I know, I could be reading too much into it and I've put together incorrectly the pieces to this puzzle but nevertheless, it sucks to feel like you've just been shit on when you've done nothing to deserve it. I'll recover, I always do and in no offense to the men out there reading this, sometimes I really hate you guys.

yeah, happy fucking thanksgiving to me

I don't want to put a damper on your Thanksgiving because I realize that many of you out there really enjoy the family, food and festivities of the holiday, but I woke up to a big 'fuck you' this morning and it was just not the way I intended on spending the day!

Before I lead into any stories, this is going to be a long post so please, grab yourselves a piece of pumpkin pie and your drink of choice and chill. This could take awhile!

Let me start off by saying that while I've missed the kids terribly while they've been away, it's amazing what one can get done without having children around to entertain! My kids left on Sunday and I spent Sunday, Monday and Tuesday tidying up around here and making sure everything was organized and in its place for when my cleaning girl came by Wednesday. I can't stand when she comes and she reorganizes for me!

But I don't want to get ahead of myself. I want to start with Schwartz...

As I mentioned in my last post, I've been treating him for an ear infection. He's been a real trooper taking his steroid medication as well as ear drops and he's definitely improving. The doctor alerted me to the fact that the steroids would make Schwartz thirsty and he would have to pee often and she sure as shit wasn't kidding! When I've taken him out to pee, there have been times that I'm certain he's peed longer than a minute!

This is when all the shit...or pee...started going down for me this morning!

It's not uncommon for me to sleep like total crap when the kids are away so late last night, too late I should add, I decided to take that wonderful non-narcotic pain/sleep aid I was given when I injured my ankles back in August and I slept better than I have in awhile. Problem is, I slept longer than Schwartz's bladder could handle!

I had plans for today. Not plans like you guys because I had no intentions of eating all the stick-to-your-ribs kinda' foods y'all probably ate today, but plans...to give myself a manicure and then hold the sofa down all day long by reading and watching bad TV!

I got up with fried eggs, toasted pumpernickel bread and making a pot of that new pumpkin spice coffee I'd just bought from the Fresh Market the other day occupying my thoughts, went to turn on the kitchen light and stepped right into a kiddie pool-size puddle of dog pee. Lovely. I saw Schwartz cowering on the sofa and clearly he had 'guilt' in capital letters written all over his face. I felt bad 'cause he looked so damn sad!

I cleaned up the pee, went to open the door to my garage to retrieve my mop when...I stepped in pee puddle #2! If you thought it couldn't get worse it most fucking certainly did! No, there wasn't a third puddle and there wasn't any poop (that I was aware of at the time but found some little nuggets in our upstairs room that the cleaning girl forget to shut the door to when she was here, the fucking whore). I cleaned all that stuff up, bagged having my breakfast because I'd lost my appetite by that point, and got onto the computer since I hadn't been on it in a few days. Logged into my Email and the following message appeared:

Failed to create empty document

Hahaha, okay jokes over, dickface!

I tried it again. Same message. I looked around to see if I could see spot the Candid Camera people hiding out in my shrubs but there were none. I tried accessing my Email several more times with the same results before finally deciding that I had been fucked up the ass with a splintered wooden bat.

Luckily, I could still access the Internet, contacted my provider and had a lovely hour-long Thanksgiving Day chat with Maggie K. who helped me fix the problem and access my Email again, with all my addresses still intact. That didn't say anything for my messages, which were ALL gone, every single last one of them, some that I've saved for years because they were that important!

*heavy sigh*

She walked me through some more steps that were supposed to back up all my Email data, including the messages, only when I went to import them into my Email, the fucking file was corrupted and wouldn't import any information. Of course. When I have the time and patience, I'm going to follow the steps again and try to recreate this file on my own but something tells me that all my messages are long gone. Until then, no use crying over spilt milk. Or my fucking POS Email.

(Shhhh. Don't make me jinx myself! I don't need to go through this same shit tomorrow morning too!)

Surprisingly enough, the headache didn't start until after I had gone through all that madness. When I was in the midst of giving myself a manicure and pedicure (which is only half complete at the moment because the brain beating I was taking didn't allow me to polish my nails), is when I felt the migraine hit like someone had just thrown a concrete block at my head going 100 mph.

I took meds, they didn't help. I went into my room to take a nap, it didn't help. I was cranky, dehydrated and nauseous. I hadn't felt that way since the time I decided to throw up on myself in the car while driving home with the kids from visiting the family in Florida. I took more meds and had to resort to using an ice pack on my head which I haven't had to do in a year and a half, since I started taking prescription drugs for my headaches.

And then there was Schwartz, who had to pee every other second and I was telling myself that this was the one time I wish I didn't have a dog so that I could just lay there suffering in peace and quiet!

I took him outside, he peed an ocean, I grabbed my ice pack again and laid on the sofa with the back door open as it was about 68 degrees here with a lovely breeze blowing. About an hour later, I felt human again. Still feeling a bit on the blechy side, still feeling a little dizzy from the meds but much better than I had!

Soon after I became human again, the kids called and I talked to them for awhile. Then I watched the ending of one of my favorite movies (Unbreakable), read for awhile (Stephen King's Duma Key), showered and now here I am, telling you my lovely Turkey Day tale, you lucky fucks!!

Tomorrow morning, I'm having my fried eggs, pumpernickel toast and my pumpkin spice coffee, bitches, and ain't no one or no pee gonna' stop me!

Hope y'all had a great day or at least, better than mine!