i love my neighbors

While Schwartz and I were out today enjoying a leisurely stroll up and down our street in the gorgeous weather that is upon us, Little Mr. Fuckface my neighbor to the right of us suddenly appeared at his front door demanding that I keep my dog off his lawn. Despite the fact that I never let Schwartz do his business on this neighbor's lawn because I know what a fucker he is and that this man had just seen me pull my dog off his lawn, he still felt it necessary to be his usual pleasant self.

I looked up when he spoke and then turned my head away, choosing to ignore him. Here's the pleasantries we exchanged thereafter:

LMFF: Did you hear me?

Me: Did you hear this? *I flipped him off*

LMFF: If I see you on my lawn again, I'm calling Animal Control!

Me: *laughing* Really?! What are you going to say to them? "Hello? Animal Control? My neighbor, who walks her dog on a leash past my house everyday, allows her dog to touch my grass, please help me!". What are you going to do, show Animal Control the dog crap left on your lawn by your kids' dog and blame me for it?! Yeah, try it. See what happens.

*receiving the hairy eyeball from LMFF*

Me: Or maybe I should call the cops regarding that time I caught you peeping in my kitchen window at my kids. Because that is illegal. By the way, does your wife know what a pervert you are?!

Then I added loudly for effect..."C'mon Schwartz. The mean old man is constipated and doesn't want us on his lawn."

*LMFF goes inside and slams the front door*

Koolio shoots! She scores!

You know damn well whose house I'm walking by again and again, day after day. I've lived in this house going on ten years and that is about the fifth time he's ever spoken to me. The fucker has no idea who he's about to fuck with.

*insert evil laugh here*

updates

Let me start by discussing the "theft" from my previous post.

When I wasn't running around town today like a chicken without a head, I was able to catch ten minutes at home in which both the headmaster and the middle school principal had already responded by Email regarding the message I sent them last night and both were courteous, gracious, completely full of concern and eager to get to the bottom of things. The middle school principal had forwarded my Email to the assistant principal who also happens to be a basketball coach. Not my son's coach but nevertheless, he was able to investigate and with the help of one of the PE coaches, was able to get to the bottom of the mysterious disappearing PE shorts and came to the conclusion that boys will be boys. Basically, my pre-teen son and his co-horts like to rough-house while getting dressed/changed in the locker room and tend to misplace their own clothing. On top of that, all students who use the locker rooms were recently read the riot act about how crappy they keep the locker room and that a landfill is in better condition! They were told that if something is laying around to pick it up and find it a home and that's what the students have been doing, including my son. So the new homes become unoccupied lockers and some of the kids are so careless, that they tend to throw their own clothing items into said lockers. In the end, my son and his friends' belongings were all found and I jumped the gun as usual and let my anger get the better of me. I'm not blaming myself for anything, don't get me wrong. I probably did what any other concerned parent would have done at the end of a long and tiring day when that was the last thing they wanted to deal with. I sent a message to all those who had responded to my Email thanking them and apologizing for rushing to conclusions and making threats. Anyway, the matter has been resolved and the case is closed, Nancy Drew.

Now for Schwartz. He had the tests done yesterday for Cushings Disease and the results came back today. Negative, he does not have Cushings. However, he has cysts all over his mid-section that erupt and scab over in these horrendous scabs and as a result, he has a skin infection. He is now on a two-week supply of antibiotics and the doctor seems to think that along with the rest of the steroid meds, he will heal up in no time. I'm trying to remain optimistic but with everything else we've had to deal with where he's concerned, that remains to be seen.

For the time being, the vet does not want to put him through anymore tests which I'm thankful for as well because I'm not sure how much longer my bank account can handle it! I posed the question as to whether she thought he had a food allergy and she seemed to think that it's very likely so I went out and bought him Nutro food. This is the same type of food that saved Montana's life years ago when we found out he had skin issues so I'm hoping for the best. I selected a particular kind that not only states helps keep skin and coat healthy but one that also has joint additives and since he has that issue with his hind leg, I thought this the best choice for him. I'll let you know how it goes.

Good news on the front for Montana as well. He had his three-week follow-up appointment yesterday and he's finally doing great! The last batch of medications they gave me really started helping him from the first day they were given. He hasn't so much as squinted and the cloudiness has almost completely disappeared from his eye. He's starting to look like a normal cat again!

And last but not least, that chef guy wrote me back regarding the penis-shaped mushrooms. He basically said that he had chosen not to do any research since they aren't of any culinary use and that he thought it was just strange that it happened inside his home disproving, and I quote, "the influence of faery rings or other mushroom mythology". I'm really not sure WTF he's talking about there but I don't really give a shit either. Perhaps he smoked his penis-shaped mushrooms and saw faeries...I don't know.

With that, I'm off...again! Hope your weekends have started off nicely!

ahhh, the joys of life

Another lengthy post, my friends.

My kids returned home to me yesterday. They were so excited to see me (that's me being sarcastic) that my son gave me some limp hug and darted upstairs to his precious computer and to text message the rest of the day away with his on-again/off-again girlfriend.

My daughter was so damn excited to see me (that's me being even more sarcastic) that she came in, dropped her stuff off, gave me a hug a little less limp than my son's and went right back out to do errands with her dad.

Oh don't mind me. I'll just sit here. By myself. Again. It's not like I haven't done enough of that for a week.

I'm having computer issues. Again. Hmmm...where should I start first?!

Talk about acting like a tempermental bitch on the rag! One day it chooses to work, the next it decides it's going on hiatus. I can almost hear it taunting me "I'll work when I want to work, bitch!". It's slower than shit...if that makes any sense. Maybe I should say that it's slower than molasses. Yeah, that's a better description. Imagine molasses dripping s l o w l y out of a bottle and you actually turning gray waiting for that first drop to make an appearance. That's exactly what my computer has been like for the past year.

Most of you know that I choose to use dial-up despite the high-speed technology available at my fingertips so when I got this computer several years back, I just used the internal modem. It started off as a 56k (I know, lightning speed!) and after taking it to those fuckers who are supposedly in the computer technology business and, well, fucked it up while trying to clean all the unnecessary hoo-ha off of it, it came home a 26.4k. WTF?! I once worked for a modem company and I don't even think they make external modems that slow!

Anyway, since then it's been acting like a two year old having a crack-addicted tantrum and I should probably get a new one but since The Great Appliance Meltdown of 2008 (I would direct you to the post from my previous blog but it seems there are several and no one has enough time in a day to get through all of them) struck not too long ago and the economy being in the shitter, I just don't see the point. I realize this would probably be the best time for me to get a new one because of the holiday sales but to be perfectly honest, my parents bought me this one and told me to let them know when I needed another one and since I was born a princess, I'm not dumb enough not to look a gift horse in the mouth, ya' know?! I'm also not smart enough to ask them for a new one since I've just spent lengthy amounts of time getting this fucker to where it's working without giving me any backtalk!

I've used McAfee Security software for my computer for years but I've developed such brain damage from using it in the last two years alone, it makes me want to hunt down Mr. and/or Mrs. McAfee and bust a cap in his/her ass. Every other day it sends me warnings that my computer is unprotected and then when I make any attempts to fix it, I have to wait 82 hours for my computer to kick it into gear and then it tells me that it couldn't fix the fucking problem! Rrrrrr! When it told me the other day that it failed to update a specific portion of it and I had to reinstall the whole damn thing, I washed my hands of it (or so I thought). When I bought my son's computer a few months ago, a bought another type of security software that the salesperson recommended and one that can protect more than one PC. Yesterday, I decided to say 'fuck you' to McAfee, uninstalled it and installed the new one thinking that I would finally have a software I could trust to really protect my computer.

Well, that was short-lived! First it took me two tries to load it, then I had it scan my computer for viruses but I couldn't get it to stop scanning after it was still going after twelve freakin' hours. I should have also heeded the warning I received when the message window popped up to tell me that my computer didn't have enough memory to use this particular software so everything would be considerably slower on my computer. Well, everything's been considerably slower on my computer for a fucking year now so BFD! THEN, the first time I tried to activate the account, I skimmed through a message that said something about if I had a problem with receiving Email messages, blah, blah, blah...which I should have listened to because once this fucker started loading, I couldn't send or receive Email messages. Oh and then it wouldn't allow me to activate the account.

*heavy sigh*

By this time, I realized I was fucked in the fanny with all this computer shit and decided to uninstall the new software and reinstall McAfee. As of this very moment, my computer is still running on 26.4k speed but the McAfee and my Email are working. Yeah, I know I've just jinxed myself, shut up!

Now...let's talk about my thinning hair 'cause I know this is yet another topic y'all would have an interest in. MY thinning hear. Breaking news. No pun intended.

It seems I'm following closely in Schwartz's shadow. My daughter and I have been trying to grow our hair out for some time now for Locks of Love or one of the other hair-donating charities and I'm kinda' fed up. Not only have I not gotten my hair cut in a long time but I have bad hair days everyday and I've recently noticed that there's one part of my hair, of course directly in front for all to notice, where this one portion always hangs away from the rest of the gang and shows my scalp. It's very attractive, lemme' tell you! I know that once I get my hair cut this will correct itself and after doing some research this morning, I learned that after all this time I can't even donate my hair because the person donating has to be 18 years of age or younger. Nor can the person have any gray in their hair which wouldn't work for me either since I have a skunk stripe in my hair (which is really cool, by the way, if I do say so myself!).

And since I've mentioned Schwartz, what would a blog post be without my telling you a little bit about what's going on with him?!

As mentioned in my previous post, he's been taking steroids and ear drops. He's doing fine with the ear drops and he's almost done with them. I haven't seen him pull or scratch at his left ear since the day he started the drops. The steroids are another story. His reaction to those have been drinking more and loss of bladder control. Not a complete loss but after making a moat of pee around my dining room table last night, oh yeah, and me stepping in it again, it's getting close.

Here's the good news...his blood test came back normal. No thyroid issues. The bad news...he may have Cushings Disease and in dogs, that's bad news as it can lead to a multitude of health problems. Generally, Schwartz is very young to have such a problem but given that he has some of the symptoms mentioned in the article, I'm thinking he may just have such a disease. A few of the symptoms are: hair loss, weight gain, darkened pigment of the skin, sores/raised bumps and having accidents inside the house. I'm suspicious about the accidents though because he didn't start having them until after he was started on the steroids and, as I stated in my previous blog post, the doctor warned me he would be thirstier and pee more often from the medication and it just may be that his bladder fills up more quickly and he just can't hold it long enough to warn me that he has to go out. The article reads that the dog may also be lethargic but frankly, this dog has always loved his naps so it's hard to tell if he's actually exhibiting that symptom! Also, they have an aversion to jumping up onto things that they were once used to jumping on and he did demonstrate hind leg issues last week with his bad leg when I first started him on the medication. He's been ravenous at mealtimes, another symptom of Cushings, whereas up until a few months ago I was lucky if he would be interested in eating one meal/day. Now, he can't eat fast enough and will usually eat an entire bowl of food in under two minutes. It also mentions in this article that terriers in general are susceptible to this disease and if any of you recall, Schwartz is mostly terrier. He is getting tested for it this week and I'll let you know the results as I get them.

As many issues as I've had with this dog from the very beginning, he is part of the family, loved, a truly decent dog and the worst case scenario is that I will be forced to cut his life short. IF it's Cushings and we've caught it in the early stages, he may have a better chance at having a fulfilling life but if this requires more tests, I may have to make that decision sooner than later.

I hate to end this post on such a low note but my kids are up by now and starving like they haven't seen food in a year so y'all enjoy the rest of your weekend!

the world keeps getting smaller and smaller

It almost feels like my past is catching up with me...which can be both good and bad!

Take this morning for instance...I was walking Schwartz and an SUV comes to an abrupt hault nearby. The woman in the passenger seat rolls down her window and asks me if the dog I'm walking is named "Schwartz".

Hmmm...

I confirmed her suspicions and she said "Oh we owned him not too long ago." All proud that she was once Schwartz's owner and I'll assume that she was also the one who neglected him before putting him back up for adoption.

I kept strolling along with Schwartz while she tried to talk to me about him, asking me how he was, that he looked good, etc.. I kept a slight smile on my face but inside I was burning up. I wanted to say something, catch her off-guard and out her for the animal abuser that she is. If it had been yesterday when I wasn't as cheery as today, I would have but instead, after about a minute of her trying to have friendly conversation with me, I thanked her for stopping and told her we had to finish up our walk.

Afterwards, I spent several hours just kicking back at home. The kids called me about noon to let me know that they were safe and sound back in town. A little while later, I decided to hit a shoe store that's in a strip mall at the end of my subdivision. It's a store I've been meaning to try because it practically sits alone in this all-but-empty strip mall and I never see anyone go in there and since most of my shoes don't fit me anymore since the accident back in August plus I still have quite a number of shoes a half size too small that I used to fit into before having kids, I decided a little shoe-shopping sale was something I needed to gear my attention on.

Anyway, I go into the store and the owner, a nice-looking woman that looked really familiar, stops and stares at me. She said "Oh my God!", calls me by my name and tells me how I haven't changed a bit (I guess that's a good thing since I'm now 40 and she hasn't seen me since I was 17! But I'm getting ahead of myself!). I'm looking at her, I couldn't place her. It turned out, she and I went to rival high schools, fifteen minutes away from each other and we had met and chatted a few times at parties. She gave me her number and told her to call her sometime so we could hang.

Interesting how things just seem to happen like that, isn't it?!

yeah, happy fucking thanksgiving to me

I don't want to put a damper on your Thanksgiving because I realize that many of you out there really enjoy the family, food and festivities of the holiday, but I woke up to a big 'fuck you' this morning and it was just not the way I intended on spending the day!

Before I lead into any stories, this is going to be a long post so please, grab yourselves a piece of pumpkin pie and your drink of choice and chill. This could take awhile!

Let me start off by saying that while I've missed the kids terribly while they've been away, it's amazing what one can get done without having children around to entertain! My kids left on Sunday and I spent Sunday, Monday and Tuesday tidying up around here and making sure everything was organized and in its place for when my cleaning girl came by Wednesday. I can't stand when she comes and she reorganizes for me!

But I don't want to get ahead of myself. I want to start with Schwartz...

As I mentioned in my last post, I've been treating him for an ear infection. He's been a real trooper taking his steroid medication as well as ear drops and he's definitely improving. The doctor alerted me to the fact that the steroids would make Schwartz thirsty and he would have to pee often and she sure as shit wasn't kidding! When I've taken him out to pee, there have been times that I'm certain he's peed longer than a minute!

This is when all the shit...or pee...started going down for me this morning!

It's not uncommon for me to sleep like total crap when the kids are away so late last night, too late I should add, I decided to take that wonderful non-narcotic pain/sleep aid I was given when I injured my ankles back in August and I slept better than I have in awhile. Problem is, I slept longer than Schwartz's bladder could handle!

I had plans for today. Not plans like you guys because I had no intentions of eating all the stick-to-your-ribs kinda' foods y'all probably ate today, but plans...to give myself a manicure and then hold the sofa down all day long by reading and watching bad TV!

I got up with fried eggs, toasted pumpernickel bread and making a pot of that new pumpkin spice coffee I'd just bought from the Fresh Market the other day occupying my thoughts, went to turn on the kitchen light and stepped right into a kiddie pool-size puddle of dog pee. Lovely. I saw Schwartz cowering on the sofa and clearly he had 'guilt' in capital letters written all over his face. I felt bad 'cause he looked so damn sad!

I cleaned up the pee, went to open the door to my garage to retrieve my mop when...I stepped in pee puddle #2! If you thought it couldn't get worse it most fucking certainly did! No, there wasn't a third puddle and there wasn't any poop (that I was aware of at the time but found some little nuggets in our upstairs room that the cleaning girl forget to shut the door to when she was here, the fucking whore). I cleaned all that stuff up, bagged having my breakfast because I'd lost my appetite by that point, and got onto the computer since I hadn't been on it in a few days. Logged into my Email and the following message appeared:

Failed to create empty document

Hahaha, okay jokes over, dickface!

I tried it again. Same message. I looked around to see if I could see spot the Candid Camera people hiding out in my shrubs but there were none. I tried accessing my Email several more times with the same results before finally deciding that I had been fucked up the ass with a splintered wooden bat.

Luckily, I could still access the Internet, contacted my provider and had a lovely hour-long Thanksgiving Day chat with Maggie K. who helped me fix the problem and access my Email again, with all my addresses still intact. That didn't say anything for my messages, which were ALL gone, every single last one of them, some that I've saved for years because they were that important!

*heavy sigh*

She walked me through some more steps that were supposed to back up all my Email data, including the messages, only when I went to import them into my Email, the fucking file was corrupted and wouldn't import any information. Of course. When I have the time and patience, I'm going to follow the steps again and try to recreate this file on my own but something tells me that all my messages are long gone. Until then, no use crying over spilt milk. Or my fucking POS Email.

(Shhhh. Don't make me jinx myself! I don't need to go through this same shit tomorrow morning too!)

Surprisingly enough, the headache didn't start until after I had gone through all that madness. When I was in the midst of giving myself a manicure and pedicure (which is only half complete at the moment because the brain beating I was taking didn't allow me to polish my nails), is when I felt the migraine hit like someone had just thrown a concrete block at my head going 100 mph.

I took meds, they didn't help. I went into my room to take a nap, it didn't help. I was cranky, dehydrated and nauseous. I hadn't felt that way since the time I decided to throw up on myself in the car while driving home with the kids from visiting the family in Florida. I took more meds and had to resort to using an ice pack on my head which I haven't had to do in a year and a half, since I started taking prescription drugs for my headaches.

And then there was Schwartz, who had to pee every other second and I was telling myself that this was the one time I wish I didn't have a dog so that I could just lay there suffering in peace and quiet!

I took him outside, he peed an ocean, I grabbed my ice pack again and laid on the sofa with the back door open as it was about 68 degrees here with a lovely breeze blowing. About an hour later, I felt human again. Still feeling a bit on the blechy side, still feeling a little dizzy from the meds but much better than I had!

Soon after I became human again, the kids called and I talked to them for awhile. Then I watched the ending of one of my favorite movies (Unbreakable), read for awhile (Stephen King's Duma Key), showered and now here I am, telling you my lovely Turkey Day tale, you lucky fucks!!

Tomorrow morning, I'm having my fried eggs, pumpernickel toast and my pumpkin spice coffee, bitches, and ain't no one or no pee gonna' stop me!

Hope y'all had a great day or at least, better than mine!

a little bit of this, a little bit of that

I saw Saw 5 (do not read the spoiler if you intend on seeing the film) last night. You would have thought after I saw The Strangers, I would have steered far away from scary movies for awhile, right?! The Strangers was more mind fuck than anything else. There's very little physical violence and the little that there is, you don't even see it actually happen, just the strain of what's occurring on the actors' faces. In the Saw series, you don't have to have seen any of the movies to know that there's a lot of gore but what a huge disappointment! It was actually the first Saw movie I saw in the theater and definitely my least favorite of the whole series in my opinion. Totally didn't live up to the hype it was given prior to its release. Most of it was flashbacks and there were several questions left unanswered so there will definitely be a sixth film. I think Saw is now in the running with the Rocky films for the most sequels!

I took Schwartz to the vet's today. So get this one...he's now off the Clariten because his skin problem is not due to allergies. The balding has gotten worse since he started the Clariten. It's most likely due to an overactive thyroid condition. Despite the fact that he's been on a diet and has not eaten as much food or treats as in the past, he's gained ten pounds! The doctor drew some blood and we'll have some answers by Wednesday. If it comes back as a thyroid condition, Schwartz will be on put on thyroid meds for the rest of his life! Fuckin' A, it's always something with him!

But that's not all! Oh no, why would that be it?! For the last five days, he's been favoring his left ear. Shaking his head, scratching at his ear, etc.. I inspected his ear the other day, cleaned it out and it didn't look red to me but lo-and-behold, he has an ear infection. So now he's on steroids to help with the itch and ear drops every twelve hours. Forget poor Schwartz! My poor bank account!

koolio goes to the dentist

Since a young girl, mostly due to my not taking proper care of my teeth back then, I have been poked, prodded and probed more times than someone who's been abducted by aliens. I'm indifferent towards the dentist - like most people, I don't really care for them but I'm so used to the torture already it barely phases me.

Until yesterday.

I have always been a good patient. When I've had to have dental work done, I take my lidocane shots like a true champ. When I have to get the tartar scraped from my teeth, I don't cringe, not even when I'm stabbed in the gum like evil experiments are being performed on me.

But yesterday, the hygienist, whom I absolutely love, triggered my gag reflex not once but twice! I was mortified! I tried to hide it but how much can you hide the lurching sound coming from the back of your throat?! Thankfully, nothing made an appearance, if you know what I mean. *wink*

After the first time, I tried thinking of positive things. I said "Pretty Ponies Prancing on the Prairie" to myself over and over again but all I envisioned were those stupid My Little Pony dolls with the rainbow-colored mane and it made me want to gag some more.

Then I tried picturing a secluded beach somewhere in the South Pacific with beautiful, untouched palm trees, white glistening sand and crystal clear turquoise-colored waters and then she turned on the contraption that shoots that nasty baking soda into my mouth and completely ruined it for me!

The second time it happened was when I had to get X-rays taken. I have NEVER gagged while getting X-rays taken but when I realized that I would have a metal contraption in my mouth covered in a latex condom, the gagging was unavoidable.

The bitch must have been laughing at me.

Seriously, WTF am I gonna' do when I finally do meet a guy I want to date and he wants a...um...oh nevermind.


In other news...

Schwartz is still losing fur. It's getting to the point where I would probably have enough for a fur hat. Okay, maybe that's a stretch. Maybe just a finger cozy. Even though he's barely noticing this hair loss and isn't scratching, his skin seems a bit dry in spots with a few scabs here and there and after doing research online yesterday for mange, I started to wonder. He didn't fit all the symptoms but with this dog, I can never play it too safe!

I owed the vet a call anyway to report back to him since I started giving Schwartz Clariten for possible allergies and the vet assured me that he was 100% sure it was seasonal allergies and not mange. Then it dawned on me that he's probably reacting to the heat in the house. It's been cold here lately, using the heat has been a necessity and the hair loss started when we first turned the heat on. If my skin dries out in the winter, why couldn't it do the same thing to the dog?! And it's not like we can tell our dogs to drink a lot of water so that our skin doesn't dry out and have them listen to us, right?! Poor, poor needy, high-maintenance dog 'o mine!


My daughter is really cute in the morning. She always wakes up in a good mood, laughs and jokes around with me while I'm trying to coax her outta' bed.

This morning, she looked up at me and she didn't say "Hi Mom" or even "I love you, Mom" but instead she asked...

"Will you pick my nose?"

(As if!)

How did I respond?

First I looked at her like she had two heads. Then I did what any other respected parent would do to their child...I farted right in her face and ran out of the room! I bet she wasn't expecting that!

i was born a poor black child

Not me! Schwartz!!

The night before last, while giving Schwartz a good back-scratchin', I felt something...strange. It was cold and just felt plain weird to the touch! Okay stop it! I know some of you out there are thinking evil bestiality thoughts!

I got out a flashlight and there was a patch of exposed skin. Ladies and gents, not only is my dog suffering from male-patterned baldness but underneath all that fur, he's black!

After further inspection, I noticed that his skin looked fine. It wasn't dry or scaly and there were no sores from scratching. It was just...bald! Anyway, I called the vet yesterday morning and while I was waiting for him to return the call, I took him (Schwartz not the vet!) for a walk and noticed that he not only has that one patch of skin showing, but his fur is starting to thin out all over his body! WTF?! Here I am trying to grow his fur out for the upcoming colder season and he's morphing into The Great Baldino! And maybe if I'm really lucky, he'll shed all his fur, become the only Terrier/Cattle Dog mix breed with no fur and we can get him featured on that ridiculous Sci-fi show "Believe it or Not!" with host Dean Kane! Yeehaw!!

The vet eventually called me back and told me to go out and get some Zyrtec. For those of you who don't know what that is, which I'm sure most of you do, it's an OTC allergy medicine. He went onto explain that a lot of dogs in this area tend to develop allergies and gnaw at their fur when one day it's 50 degrees and the next it's 80 like we experience so often here and we're going through that type of back-and-forth weather change right now. This diagnosis would certainly explain why he's been sneezing so much lately!

So let's see if y'all can keep this straight...

1. He's on joint supplements for the rest of his life due to his hip injury when he was hit by a car as a younger puppy.

2. He has to take one Zantac/day because of an acid reflux condition.

3. He now has to take one Zyrtec/day to keep his allergy symptoms at bay.

*shakes head*

Why do I always pick the needy, high-maintenance animals?!

~~OoO~~

I was driving behind this guy yesterday and he had a bumper sticker that read

I love my wife

Why?!

No, not 'why does he love his wife?', why must this guy proclaim his love for his wife in the form of a bumper sticker?! I can think of at least 100 other ways to proclaim one's love for another instead of on your little Redneck Mobile! Shit, could he get any classier?! His wife must be so flattered!

If you're gonna' sport a bumper sticker, at least be creative! Take the one I had once, for instance. When I was a senior in college, my mom, the generous soul that she is, gave me her heaping POS Cutlas Brougham Oldsmobile sedan which stalled everytime I turned on the heat so I had to make the 5.5 hour drive back to school in ass-cold Connecticut without heat and shivering my titties off! Where was I?! Oh yeah...this car was so crappy, that whomever was sitting in the front seat with me actually had to lean forward just to get the thing to go up a freakin' hill! I finally decided she was worth getting her very own bumper sticker which, I should add, I created...

0 to 60 in 20 minutes

I'm so cool. You know you wanna' be me. *wink*

as the blog turns

First there was my mystery man who thought it cute to conceal his phone number and identity when calling me. Oooo, a man from my past, how exciting. *inserts finger in mouth and gags*

Then, there was the dude from Fakebook (not a typo) who just a few weeks ago, decided to, in jest I'll assume, make a rude and unnecessary comment to me during an IM chat and I haven't spoken to him since. A few days ago, I noticed he had written me a cryptic message on my Fakebook profile...

:-(

Yep, that was it. Since he wrote nothing more, I had no choice but to use my handy-dandy pictorial-deciphering techniques to interpret his message. Always giving the person the benefit of the doubt, *snicker* I'll assume that his message meant that he was sad that we hadn't been in touch. Or that he was constipated. Or that he realized he was really a woman trapped in a man's body. Or that he found out the hard way that he should never give himself a hot and spicy salsa suppository. Please, use your own imagination as to what he was trying to tell me because I don't really give a shit. While I do believe each of us was put on this earth for a significant reason, mine was definitely not to decipher that kind of juvenile crap.

Since I really didn't feel like responding but did so because I was brought up with proper manners, I wrote the following in return...

?

That says it all, don't you think?! IHe didn't go out of his way to explain himself so there was no reason for me to over-exert myself in my response.

I waited. Two days passed with no response. Again, always giving the person the benefit of the doubt, *wink* I assumed that he hadn't been online lately and therefore, hadn't seen my response. I was wrong. Since writing my response, he had spent countless hours playing word games. Apparently, he wanted nothing more than to be the center of my attention and once he had that, he didn't feel it necessary to explain himself. Nevertheless, I gave him the benefit of the doubt for two more days before writing him an Email telling him that if he wasn't going to be courteous enough to respond, not to waste my time with the game-playing. Since some people only respond to conflict, I figured he would surely respond to an Email like that. I was mistaken. Not wanting to be a part any longer of that kind of crap, I deleted him from my friends list. This guy is yet just another example why I choose not to have a man in my life. Not saying that was the direction in which it was headed but when you talk to someone every day whom you think you really connect with, things tend to happen.

Once again, I blame myself for being in touch with someone like him. I'm not beating myself up or anything like that but the red flags were out there from the beginning and I chose to ignore them. One thing I may not have mentioned when first talking about him was that our mutual friend was a college roommate of mine and they met through that dating site I once belonged to. He and I got to talking about how emotionally unstable she is and he shared an Email with me that he had sent her when she wouldn't leave him alone and take 'no' for an answer. Even though I'm aware that this gal has serious issues, that she's very selfish, self-consumed and I don't hold her in very high regards, I told him his message to her was overly harsh. Here's an excerpt...

"...and I told you never to contact me again. I don’t play games (now that's funny!!) and you live for them. It’s in your blood and you won’t change. I know you and pity your life 39 never married almost at the end of your chances of having a normal child. I guess what comes around goes around....I have a great life B. is doing great in 3rd grade he’s on a football team, basketball team and he and I both have great social lives. Once last time I pity you. I have a great life and wonderful family and friends. You have nothing."

I realize that we all have a dark side to the everyday persona we display to others but that was a little too dark for me! This guy gave off the impression that he is this calm, cool, collected, everyone's-best-friend kinda' guy and then to write something like that just raised that red flag to full staph! I should have stopped contact with him then.

I will add, however, that during the brief time that they dated, she completely used him and while I don't think he had the right to say some of the things mentioned above, he did have a right to be angry. During the time they dated, he paid for everything from meals to buying her clothes and bankrolling her during a trip to a casino. She even had the nerve to ask him to pay her credit card debt and later told him it was a test to see if he was a worthy boyfriend! I'm sure most if not all of you are shocked at reading something like that but if you knew her like I did back in school, it wouldn't surprise you that she pulled shit like that. She was always testing people to see if they were truly worthy of her "friendship". I put that word in quotes because I'm not sure, even to this day, that she truly understands the word nor is capable of being a true friend.

Ya' know the saying "Keep your friends close but your enemies closer"...you wouldn't believe how close she kept me! Now that I look back on college times, some of the things she did to me shows me now that she hated me more than she liked me! For instance, there was the time that I had this boyfriend at school, my first real boyfriend, and was devastated to find out that he had been cheating on me for some time and she knew all about it but never told me. Then, after she knew how heartbroken I was over him, I found a photo of he and his new girlfriend on her desk in plain view, not trying to hide it from me at all. Who does that to someone they claim is their best friend??

Then there was the time my senior year that I became ill enough where my roommate had to call an ambulance. I don't really remember much about it but I do know that she came over and was kind of enough to contact a professor of mine to let him know what was happening and that I would not be in class that day to take his final. However, a few days later, as I laid writhing in bed from a serious kidney infection and violently ill from the medication I had been put on, she called me in the middle of the night one night, crying about how she had puked all over someone's lawn that night from an apparent case of food poisoning and demanded I come over to her room to nurse her! What the fuck you tawkin' about, Willis?! Then she made it clear that she would not be friends with me any longer if I didn't! After that night, let's just say that we would acknowledge each other in passing and that was it. Who has time for that grade school shit?!

In other news, I thought y'all might like to know that Schwartz has so generously been leaving me little Halloween treats. Sometimes he'll alert me in advance that he'd like to make his bu'ness outside and other times, he'll just dump inside whenever the spirit moves he and his bowels to do so. I can't quite figure out why sometimes he tells me and sometimes he doesn't other than he must think he rules the roost and can doo-doo as he pleases!

Enough of that shit (no pun intended, of course)! Thanks for following me over to my new home!