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Tuesday, April 21, 2009

i love my neighbors

While Schwartz and I were out today enjoying a leisurely stroll up and down our street in the gorgeous weather that is upon us, Little Mr. Fuckface my neighbor to the right of us suddenly appeared at his front door demanding that I keep my dog off his lawn. Despite the fact that I never let Schwartz do his business on this neighbor's lawn because I know what a fucker he is and that this man had just seen me pull my dog off his lawn, he still felt it necessary to be his usual pleasant self.

I looked up when he spoke and then turned my head away, choosing to ignore him. Here's the pleasantries we exchanged thereafter:

LMFF: Did you hear me?

Me: Did you hear this? *I flipped him off*

LMFF: If I see you on my lawn again, I'm calling Animal Control!

Me: *laughing* Really?! What are you going to say to them? "Hello? Animal Control? My neighbor, who walks her dog on a leash past my house everyday, allows her dog to touch my grass, please help me!". What are you going to do, show Animal Control the dog crap left on your lawn by your kids' dog and blame me for it?! Yeah, try it. See what happens.

*receiving the hairy eyeball from LMFF*

Me: Or maybe I should call the cops regarding that time I caught you peeping in my kitchen window at my kids. Because that is illegal. By the way, does your wife know what a pervert you are?!

Then I added loudly for effect..."C'mon Schwartz. The mean old man is constipated and doesn't want us on his lawn."

*LMFF goes inside and slams the front door*

Koolio shoots! She scores!

You know damn well whose house I'm walking by again and again, day after day. I've lived in this house going on ten years and that is about the fifth time he's ever spoken to me. The fucker has no idea who he's about to fuck with.

*insert evil laugh here*

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Blogger Bird Shit and Baby Caca said...

OMG! That guy sounds crazy!!! I would walk by his house every day too just to piss him off. What a jerk

April 21, 2009 at 3:18 PM  
Blogger Koolio said...

BS/BC, speaking of 'piss', I think I may take one on his lawn next time I walk by there, lol. And I'm sure that won't stop him from trying to solicit business from me the next time he sends a mailing out regarding his real estate business (of which I'll promptly put 'return to sender' on it with a smear of dog poop, lol)! I've always known he was beyond antisocial but I guess it's too much to ask to have a neighbor that could politely ring my door to ask me nicely.

This, I can assure you, is not the end of it. I have already started documenting his nastiness - just in case. :)

April 21, 2009 at 3:36 PM  
Blogger Attila The Mom said...

snarf. I think I would have taken a dump there myself just to spite him. LOL

April 21, 2009 at 7:05 PM  
Blogger Koolio said...

Mom, I would have liked to myself but the way he just popped out of that door so fast, I have to think he's got surveillance set up outside his home. I have to play this right and most of all, legal!!

April 21, 2009 at 10:54 PM  
Blogger WavyDavy said...

Maybe you should hire someone to take a dump on his lawn. I'll do it.

April 22, 2009 at 6:53 AM  
Blogger ntsc said...

I should have known I would find Attila here.

April 25, 2009 at 8:17 AM  
Blogger Koolio said...

Welcome, ntsc. "Mom" knows where the good blogs are. ;)

April 25, 2009 at 4:11 PM  

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