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Friday, April 3, 2009

apparently i'm chopped liver

I have this friend. We'll call her Connie Clueless. She's very sweet, has a great personality and is a good conversationalist.

Even though she speaks like she's just sucked in helium which makes it sound like she's a total ditz.

But after yesterday, I know for a fact that she is a ditz!

I feel bad for her. About a year ago, her husband was introduced to that awful World of Warcraft and is addicted to it. He comes home, eats dinner and then spends about five hours on the computer into the wee hours of morning. He and my friend don't spend any alone time together anymore, don't go out together, fight about time spent and not being spent with one another, etc.. He's more in love with his WoW than his own wife.

Connie is from Phoenix, Arizona and speaks fondly of it often. She has a few friends here but no one she can really call close. She doesn't like it here and as often as she praises Phoenix does she put down this city. She feels alone and lonely and wants desperately to return to her hometown.

With or without her husband.

I speak to her often and we talk about everything. She has confided in me about her feelings on her life here and her frustrations with her husband and the new love in his life. We talked yesterday, I listened and made a few suggestions about possibly resolving things with her husband and if not with him, then with herself. That friends are great to talk to but therapists can sometimes enlighten us and help things fall into place. I told her, in all seriousness, that she should consider suing the makers of World of Warcraft for breaking up her marriage and frankly, I think she'd have a case. I told her if her husband doesn't have an interest in going out with her, she should plan a girl's night out from time-to-time.

Pay special attention to that last line!

So she said "I don't know. I'm not sure I feel comfortable doing that. All my friends are married with families and have their own things to do."

*blank stare*

Interesting...last time I checked the ink on my 2002 divorce agreement was very dry.

If it weren't for the fact that this is the second time she's said something along those lines to me I'd find it funny, but now I take it personally.

So...if she doesn't consider me a friend, then WTF am I?! What have I been, a pseudo-wannabe-therapist handing out free advice?! I mean, what would y'all call it?! And then there's the question of if she doesn't consider me a friend, do I simply humor myself by continuing to talk to her or stop putting forth my share in the friendship?

This situation is exactly why I am so untrusting of people. As nasty and rude as I can be on here, I am a good friend which sometimes translates for some to take advantage of my kindness.


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Blogger Charlie said...

They'll use ya 'til they lose ya. Your "friend" has only one thing on her mind--herself.

So yes, you are chopped liver.

April 3, 2009 at 4:59 PM  
Blogger Tug said...

I don't know that I've ever heard you talk about going out, have I? Playing the devil's advocate here...if you DO go out, does she know it? You told her to call her friends for a girls' night out, but didn't ask if she wanted to do something with you sometime - maybe she thinks *you* don't want to? If she's not used to hanging with single friends, it may be tough for her to take the first step...

Just my thoughts.

I have heard of a LOT of people getting divorced over WoW and other computer addictions. Not a good thing.

April 3, 2009 at 7:54 PM  
Blogger Attila The Mom said...

Babe, to me you're caviar. Seriously.

If we lived in the same town we'd be hitting "girl's night" (even if it was just to Starbucks) every time my old man had to go to a RNC event/Chamber of Commerce meeting/Rotary function, blah blah blah etc, and every time your ex ol' asshat had HIS weekend with your kids.

I forgive Hubby because these things fulfill him personally and/or help in our business. I make damn sure that what he doesn't do in quantity he makes up for in quality in our house. LOL

Connie losing her hubby to WOW? Honey, she simply isn't woman enough to be your friend. You're a kick-ass, balls-to-the-wall kind of gal and deserve to have friends with similar qualities. How to find them? Oh hell, I don't know.

She's milquetoast with an extra-helping of bland butter.

In my opinion, life's too short. Cut her loose!

April 4, 2009 at 12:54 AM  
Blogger Koolio said...

Charlie, you're so right. But then again, when I was having marital problems it was all about me too. I'm not trying to reason why she's being like this but I do believe everyone goes through periods of time where they choose to be more selfish and frankly, if she has decisions to make about her marriage, she needs to be thinking about herself. All of that aside, she's not the brightest bulb in the box and perhaps she really doesn't realize what she's saying. But because she's said it to me on more than one occasion, I have to do what's best for me and I'm fairly certain that that kind of "friendship" is not one that helps me thrive as a person.

Tug, that's just the thing, we have gone out a few times. Coffee, met up at this beading store, chatted endlessly about crap while waiting for our sons to finish baseball, met up for drinks one night after dropping our kids off at a school dance and she's even called me a few times in advance of a school event to make sure I'm gonna' be there and to make sure to sit with her, that's what makes this so confusing! As for WoW, it is completely dangerous and a total drug to too many people in this world. I know people who have divorced over it as well and I wouldn't be surprised if anyone has already tried to sue the makers of this game. It's one of those things where I wished someone, who I don't know, would take away their license to distribute it.

Mom, thank you. You always know the right things to say to me at the times I need to hear them. You're...you're like a guy who wants to get laid, LMAO! But seriously, the difference between her relationship and the one you have with your husband is that he makes it up to you and shows you the necessary attention. I've read the stories about your times out and your vacations with each other and it's very refreshing to read about what a healthy relationship you have with him. As for Connie, I don't blame her for him choosing to play this game rather than be with her, I blame the person who introduced him to this rotten game! The only thing I "blame" her for is letting it go this long and not being more proactive in trying to distract him with ideas in what they could do to spend time together. The only thing she's done which seems completely pointless is point out every chance she gets how she doesn't like all his extra time being spent on the computer and now she's resorted to calling him names like "geek" and "dork" every chance she gets. While they're more playful names, she's always trying to think of new ways to hurt him just to get his attention. And now her son has taken up the game as well, having spent his entire spring break on the computer! The thing is Mom, we're actually a lot alike. Back during New Year's, she took a 9-day trip by herself to go visit friends back in AZ. She showed me pix and told me about what she did and she's a true free spirit which is how I consider myself. I have to think that her dislike of living here and her present marital upset is what has made her into the person she is right now which is ashame but I cannot allow myself to be further dragged into something if she doesn't consider me a friend.

April 4, 2009 at 6:07 AM  
Blogger WavyDavy said...

You are absolutely NOT chopped liver. It sounds to me like you are your friend's therapist and that she is talking to you like you re. You may go out for coffee or whatever as friends, but when she starts talking to you about her marital problems you become something else. She obviously trusts you, or she wouldn't be so openly honest with you. I think you may be reading more in to her comment about all her friends being married with families comment.

As for her husband and his WoW obsession. Unfortunately, there's no law against making something with apparently addictive qualities (except for crystal meth, etc.). We're free to be addicted to pretty much anything we want. Imagine if somebody won a case against WoW for breaking up their marriage. The NFL would get sued every other second! It sounds to me like his escaping in to the World of Warcraft every night is a symptom of something wrong with their marriage that they need to address together, and probably with a professional counselor.

April 4, 2009 at 7:32 AM  
Blogger Leave It To Cleavage said...

I'm going to take the other side, she did say married with families, maybe she was referring to the fact that you are the primary care giver of your 2 children and that it keeps you very busy. :)
Unless, you want to share what the other comment was....

April 4, 2009 at 4:56 PM  
Blogger Koolio said...

Dave, I was hoping you'd chime in here because you always bring an interesting take to the table. I'm not sure how else I should interpret her comment so maybe you could be more precise?

I agree with you that there's something wrong with their marriage that stretches far beyond a computer game. For instance, they were sitting at our sons' baseball game about a week ago and she put her arm around his shoulders and her head on his shoulder and he didn't react, good or bad. I thought it was kinda' strange. And when she went to visit family and friends back in AZ for 9 days over New Year's, she did just tell me that he insisted she go and have fun. Sounds suspicious to me and it sounds like in general, she's not too quick to pick up on such things. But that was something I haven't mentioned to her...yet. I think if she wants to talk to me about it again, I may mention it to her.

As for suing the makers of WoW...if someone can sue McDonald's over their child gaining weight due to their high caloric and fatty foods and win the case, I'm certain Connie or anyone else for that matter, could win a lawsuit against the maker of a video game!

Leave, there's really not much to debate here. If you read what she said, and it was exactly as she said it to me, she said ALL her friends are married with families. Again, that would make me what? Apparently, I don't fall into the friend category since I'm not married and I'm not interested in being her own personal therapist.

There were at least two other times I can recall that she made a comment about friends. For instance, she used to live in my community and was good friends with the woman directly across the street from me (before I knew her). She's made this particular comment on more than one occasion "I hated living in *name of subdivision*. The only reason I'd ever move back there is for *name of neighbor across the street from me*.". I don't know how you feel about it Leave, but I also find that pretty insulting, as well.

There was also the time where she made a comment that she doesn't consider anyone here as a close friend. That would be insulting to another woman as well who has spent quite a bit of time, even more than me, with "Connie". So to conclude, either she's completely braindead and hasn't a clue as to what she's saying or she knows exactly what she's saying and doesn't give a shit about anyone but herself.

April 4, 2009 at 5:14 PM  
Blogger Leave It To Cleavage said...

Ok, I will concede, she's a bitch and you should stop doling out the free therapy and the generosity of your time to listen to her. You could also ask her in true Koolio style (since I do know your style) "WTF??" Or just move on. Either way, you have other things to do. :)

April 5, 2009 at 6:34 AM  
Blogger Koolio said...

Leave, I'm not sure 'bitch' is the right word for her. She's never made these comments with attitude in demeanor or tone. I think I chalk it up to my just not knowing her as a person as well as I thought I did. But you're right about my having other, more important things to do than to worry about whether or not she wants my friendship. I think I'll just back off for awhile and play the wait-and-see game. Ya' know, not avoid or her anything, just not go outta' my way for her. If she wants to be my friend then she'll show it. But if she only comes to me for advice, then I'm not bothering.

April 5, 2009 at 6:42 AM  
Blogger WavyDavy said...

I think that when she talks to you about her husband and and their issues, as well as about how she feels about where she lives, you cease to be her friend and become her therapist. Maybe that's bad, but I really think that's why she talks to you that way and makes such seemingly insensitive comments. Or... maybe I'm just too willing to give people the benefit of the doubt. She could just be an idiot, but just the fact that she confides in you with this kind of stuff suggests to me that she considers you a very close confidante - one she deeply trusts. I guess what it comes down to is how much you really like her company. Is it worth it to continue the relationship, or do you just quietly let it die? I don't know. But it appears to me to be a relationship that you don't really feel terribly vested in anyway. She appears to need you more than you need her, and how close can she really be if she hasn't yet been invited to your blog? BTW - thanks for the birthday message!

April 5, 2009 at 8:25 AM  

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