the ice queen cometh

I think I've officially graduated to cold-hearted, insensitive bitch.

You may remember this post from the beginning of June in which I talked about the gal whose husband passed in early May. Well, yesterday the shit went down.

Last week, she made a comment on my Facebook homepage for me to call her up to spend time with her while my kids were away and I responded that the last time I tried to get together with her, she blew me off.

A few nights ago, a little bit of drama occurred in my life which brought me down low enough to go out and buy alcohol. Those who know me well know I don't drink. Before the other night, the last alcoholic beverage I had was years ago. I can't even give you an exact timeframe because it's been that long. Anyway, a little bit of alcohol goes a looooong way with me - i got pretty fritzed pretty quickly and, if I can toot my own horn a little bit, I can be a pretty funny drunk!

So I was posting a bunch of off-the-wall statuses on my FB profile page and this gal made a comment about bringing some of that alcohol over to her house. Hmmm...it kinda' seems she wants everyone to do everything for her, doesn't it?

I came clean and basically told her I don't make an effort for those who don't care to make an effort with me. Not in those words, but she understood what I was saying alright 'cause I got an Email from her yesterday.

I will admit, I have never had a family member pass away as suddenly as her husband did. I will also admit that I've never known such a strong love like the one they had for each other. I admit, I have not walked a mile in her shoes so I don't have a clue what she's going through. So when she wrote to tell me that she had no recollection of what I said she'd done, my first thought was that she needed to go check herself into the nearest psych ward! I mean, how do you have a conversation with someone and then a few hours later, not recall what that conversation was unless you're losing your flippin' mind?! It never occurred to me that she's just going through the daily motions without really remembering what she was doing.

And I did think it was kinda' odd for someone who lives two minutes down the road for me to Email me and not pick up the phone.

So I wrote her back and I didn't make a big deal out of things. I apologized for not realizing what she was going through and that everything was cool. Not that I'm gonna' go outta' my way for her, but just mending bridges.

But then she called at nearly 11pm last night. Crying. No, bawling. The kind of crying that comes from one's heart and soul and is so strong that you have no idea what the person is trying to tell you.

I had to tell her to calm down several times as I couldn't make heads or tails of what she was saying. The first thing I understood was "I don't call people.".

Um...okay. I'm not sure I understand that one. So you're going to call me with these crying jags and use the whole "I don't call people" as your excuse for not calling me back when I made a generous offer to you on your birthday of all days?! And then, after you've already called me, you're going to try to make me feel bad about saying that you called me because of what a great friend I am?

HUH?

Sorry people. If this makes me a person with a heart of stone so be it, but that's just bullshit. If you don't try to reach out to people at a time of need, then don't complain to me that everyone is fake and no one likes you. They're not fake, they just don't like getting blown off either!! C'mon, I realize she's not thinking clearly these days but can she really believe that these people are fake because they've chosen to stop calling her?

So I let it go and I gave it to her straight. I told her that was bullshit. That this was the time that she needed people to rally behind her and to put her silly no-calling policy behind her. Her life was starting over whether she liked it or not and she was being forced to make changes that she may never grow to like or understand. That because she was feeling weak, she needed the support of others and that when she became stronger again, then she could weed out the fake friends from the true friends.

Blah, blah, fucking blah.

I know I sound like a total icy bitch but as emotional as she was, I still felt nothing. And maybe it's my own shit that I'm trying to deal with right now that caused me to react that way, I don't know. However, I've always been the kind of person who cannot tolerate someone who always plays the victim and while I certainly sympathize with her situation, I found myself rolling my eyes a lot during our conversation.

And not to make it any worse, but I really don't have time for this. Perhaps these feelings come from knowing what kinds of friendships I find healthy versus what kinds of friendships I find toxic. Lastly, I'm days away from turning 41 and honestly, I'm too damn old to be bothered with this bullshit.

I know some of you out there are trying your hardest not to reach through your computer screens to wring my neck but I can't make myself feel something I just don't feel. Let me have it! I can take it!

exit strategy my ass

Some of you may remember this post in which I felt it necessary to stop talking to this guy friend of mine who's going through a difficult time in his marriage right now. Well, the night I posted that story was the same day I had Emailed him and that night, he called me and we talked it through.

Then, about a week later, the same bullshit started all over again. Here's how it went down...

I [unfortunately] know the ins and outs of his marriage. His wife is a total mental case and, well, he's allowed her to stomp on his balls 'til they turned into squashed little grapes. To sum it up, their marriage is coming to an end and despite her daily giving him a dose of her psychotic behavior and blaming him for everything gone wrong in their marriage, he continues to take her abuse and is too pussy to leave.

I once again ended the friendship and told him not to contact me again. Here's why....

Those of you who've been following my blog(s) for awhile know that in 2002 I went through a divorce. My kids were two and five, young enough not to understand what was going on so they were able to adjust rather well. Don't get me wrong, they had their moments but today, they are very happy well-adjusted kids who enjoy their two homes.

Allow me to apologize in advance for the tone this post may take on because just thinking about this topic makes my fucking blood boil.

I am the first one to understand the difficulty of divorce especially when there are kids involved. My divorce wasn't like others because we chose not to get lawyers involved and only had a mediator. While I know that doesn't work for everyone, it worked out favorably for us. We were divorced within a few short months. He signed over the house to me and even though we lived in separate rooms, he still resided in this house for about nine months so that he could save up to find his own place. It was very amicable.

Amicable is not a word used in my former friend's situation. Here are just a few examples of the shit that's going on his life - his wife wants it her way or no way. She orders him to 'move out' and then when he says 'fine' she flips out and blames him for ruining hers and her kids' lives. She's constantly saying derogatory things about him in front of the kids. She once asked him if he was gay because they don't have sex.

Let me stop with that last one. When he told me that, I think I laughed for three days straight! That the man she chooses to put down each and every day would still have the desire to be intimate with her! What, does she shit gold or something?! I've seen his wife and trust me, she shouldn't be acting like she's all that!

In any case, it pains me to end a friendship with someone who clearly needs the support during this time, but I cannot tolerate the excuses anymore. He claims to have thought everything through, the term 'exit strategy' keeps reappearing every so often. I guess when you and your wife are business partners, there's got to be some kind of exit strategy, right?

But his supposed exit strategy never takes shape. "It's hard because of the kids." he told me. No, it's not hard because of the kids. Do NOT use your kids as an excuse!!! Again, I've been there. My kids had their rough moments after we divorced but kids are resilient, they bounce back and once you start acting like your kids won't be able to handle things without you being there, that's when you should just give up and sign them up for years of expensive therapy because all you're doing is enabling the undesirable behavior instead of encouraging them to be strong individuals.

I've been put in this kind of position before and I hate it. I've learned from experience that the only way people pick their sorry asses up off the floor is when you get mean. So, I got mean.

I told him to stop blaming the kids for him not leaving. That he was the reason he wasn't leaving and when he finally dug his head out of his ass, hopefully sooner rather than later, he would clearly see that. That deep down inside he enjoyed the attention she gives him, because however negative it may be, it's still attention. I told him to stay with her and be miserable. To shit his whole life away on someone like that when someone else out in the world could bring him a loving relationship that he truly deserves. And lastly, I told him I no longer wanted to communicate with him until he was no longer married to her. At the rate he's going, I could be collecting Social Security by the time I hear from him again.

I cannot tolerate massive amounts of drama especially someone else's drama and the fact that we were always having these heated discussions about his ridiculous wife, well I'm fairly certain that anyone in my shoes would have gotten tired of it all as well. Then again, maybe I shouldn't assume that since I pretty much can't tolerate anyone or anything these days!!

After several back-and-forth Email messages, I finally told him to respect my wishes and not to contact me again. I have not heard from him in days and guess what? I don't miss him. Sad to say but true. It became very clear to me that despite my enjoying supporting people during difficult times, these are not relationships I thrive on.

In the past few years, as I was approaching the big 4-0, I realized what was healthy and not healthy for me in my life. I ended a lot of friendships and while I don't want to wind up alone and friendless, I just can't seem to get past other peoples' flaws and I realize that is a huge problem. But I know what I want and need in my life. If I can't be true to myself, who can I be true to?