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Tuesday, April 28, 2009

exit strategy my ass

Some of you may remember this post in which I felt it necessary to stop talking to this guy friend of mine who's going through a difficult time in his marriage right now. Well, the night I posted that story was the same day I had Emailed him and that night, he called me and we talked it through.

Then, about a week later, the same bullshit started all over again. Here's how it went down...

I [unfortunately] know the ins and outs of his marriage. His wife is a total mental case and, well, he's allowed her to stomp on his balls 'til they turned into squashed little grapes. To sum it up, their marriage is coming to an end and despite her daily giving him a dose of her psychotic behavior and blaming him for everything gone wrong in their marriage, he continues to take her abuse and is too pussy to leave.

I once again ended the friendship and told him not to contact me again. Here's why....

Those of you who've been following my blog(s) for awhile know that in 2002 I went through a divorce. My kids were two and five, young enough not to understand what was going on so they were able to adjust rather well. Don't get me wrong, they had their moments but today, they are very happy well-adjusted kids who enjoy their two homes.

Allow me to apologize in advance for the tone this post may take on because just thinking about this topic makes my fucking blood boil.

I am the first one to understand the difficulty of divorce especially when there are kids involved. My divorce wasn't like others because we chose not to get lawyers involved and only had a mediator. While I know that doesn't work for everyone, it worked out favorably for us. We were divorced within a few short months. He signed over the house to me and even though we lived in separate rooms, he still resided in this house for about nine months so that he could save up to find his own place. It was very amicable.

Amicable is not a word used in my former friend's situation. Here are just a few examples of the shit that's going on his life - his wife wants it her way or no way. She orders him to 'move out' and then when he says 'fine' she flips out and blames him for ruining hers and her kids' lives. She's constantly saying derogatory things about him in front of the kids. She once asked him if he was gay because they don't have sex.

Let me stop with that last one. When he told me that, I think I laughed for three days straight! That the man she chooses to put down each and every day would still have the desire to be intimate with her! What, does she shit gold or something?! I've seen his wife and trust me, she shouldn't be acting like she's all that!

In any case, it pains me to end a friendship with someone who clearly needs the support during this time, but I cannot tolerate the excuses anymore. He claims to have thought everything through, the term 'exit strategy' keeps reappearing every so often. I guess when you and your wife are business partners, there's got to be some kind of exit strategy, right?

But his supposed exit strategy never takes shape. "It's hard because of the kids." he told me. No, it's not hard because of the kids. Do NOT use your kids as an excuse!!! Again, I've been there. My kids had their rough moments after we divorced but kids are resilient, they bounce back and once you start acting like your kids won't be able to handle things without you being there, that's when you should just give up and sign them up for years of expensive therapy because all you're doing is enabling the undesirable behavior instead of encouraging them to be strong individuals.

I've been put in this kind of position before and I hate it. I've learned from experience that the only way people pick their sorry asses up off the floor is when you get mean. So, I got mean.

I told him to stop blaming the kids for him not leaving. That he was the reason he wasn't leaving and when he finally dug his head out of his ass, hopefully sooner rather than later, he would clearly see that. That deep down inside he enjoyed the attention she gives him, because however negative it may be, it's still attention. I told him to stay with her and be miserable. To shit his whole life away on someone like that when someone else out in the world could bring him a loving relationship that he truly deserves. And lastly, I told him I no longer wanted to communicate with him until he was no longer married to her. At the rate he's going, I could be collecting Social Security by the time I hear from him again.

I cannot tolerate massive amounts of drama especially someone else's drama and the fact that we were always having these heated discussions about his ridiculous wife, well I'm fairly certain that anyone in my shoes would have gotten tired of it all as well. Then again, maybe I shouldn't assume that since I pretty much can't tolerate anyone or anything these days!!

After several back-and-forth Email messages, I finally told him to respect my wishes and not to contact me again. I have not heard from him in days and guess what? I don't miss him. Sad to say but true. It became very clear to me that despite my enjoying supporting people during difficult times, these are not relationships I thrive on.

In the past few years, as I was approaching the big 4-0, I realized what was healthy and not healthy for me in my life. I ended a lot of friendships and while I don't want to wind up alone and friendless, I just can't seem to get past other peoples' flaws and I realize that is a huge problem. But I know what I want and need in my life. If I can't be true to myself, who can I be true to?

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Blogger Bird Shit and Baby Caca said...

I would have ended the friendship too. If he isn't willing to at least try to help himself, there is no reason why you have to sit back and watch. His kids are never going to respect him for taking the abuse and may end up thinking that kind of relationship is normal and put them selves in unhealthy relationships when they get older.

April 28, 2009 at 10:18 AM  
Blogger Charlie said...

I agree with Bird & Baby.

Your advice was excellent, in effect telling him to shit or get off the pot. It appears, though, that he prefers whining to action, to changing his life. I almost suspect him of being a Drama King.

Yes, you were right in ending your friendship because all you'll get is more of the same

April 28, 2009 at 1:50 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Good riddance. I'm with you. I can only stand so much "woe is me" crap. Get off your ass and fix it! I'm sick of being free therapy for anybody.

April 28, 2009 at 4:44 PM  
Blogger Tug said...

Yep...what everyone else said - you did the right thing. There's way too much drama around, and I'm backing off more & more.

April 28, 2009 at 7:54 PM  

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